How should I react when people mention about my husband's ex?

Question

I had great relationship with my husband until he confessed about his past affair. I just tried to take it easy and forgive him. But, when his friends and family members bring this matter infront of me I feel humiliated and try to avoid conversation relating to that matter. Of course my body language doesn't give a strong impression of me at that time. I feel very nervous and confused and also humiliated.
My husband thinks they are telling this for fun. But, I don't appreciate talking about somebody's ex after marriage, specially infront of the spouse.
Do you think I'm over reacting? Please suggest me how can I maintain a cool attitude at this scenario?

Answer 1

hon, you need to set down some boundries.
Next time the subject comes up, look the person in the eye and confidently (fake the confidence if you have to) and say something like this.....
" that is the past and we no longer need to talk about it, so please respect me and let by gones be by gones" Then quickly change the subject. There is NO reason that you need to put up with this. Get some personal backbone and stand up for yourself.

Your husband should respect your feelings in this. If he doesn't then he is childish. Any man who lets his family humilate his wife isn't much of a man. A MAN takes care of his woman. A man puts his woman before other people's misguided ideas of what is a joke. A MAN's job is to stand up for his woman and make her feel safe. Let him read this please. If he is mature he will say he needs to think about this and say he is sorry for making you feel so small. If he throws a fit, hon I am afraid you married a man without moral balls.

NEVER let anyone mistreat you like this. It sounds like his family is confrontational. Don't ever lower yourself to their level. Keep your head up high even if you cry later.

You could be nasty and bring up mistakes they made in their lives. or you just say....ok you have aired his dirty laundry...does anyone else want to air their dirtly laundry next?"

Sometimes you have to use humor to get your point across, other times you have to use controlled power and conviction to stand up for yourself.

You are not over reacting. You are under reacting. Being angry or emotional with these people will just hurt you in the long run. I imagine they might laugh if you stood up and told them to stop then leave the room crying. Nor do you want to draw a battle line in the sand. Handle this with wisdom and conviction.

You are braver than you can imagine. Be strong.

Answer 2

I think you just need to give it time. But on the other hand no I don't think they should mention his ex around you. I don't blame you for feeling awkward about it either. It has to be uncomfortable. Have you brought the issue up with your spouse? I feel that you certainly need to express your feelings and not keep them bottled up or it is going to eat you alive and eventually your body language will turn into language that you would not normally say to either your family or spouse in regards to it. Just be honest and let him know how this affects you mentally. You are human and entitled to these feelings so don't deny yourself the opportunity to get this off of your chest.

Answer 3

If it's his friends and family shouldn't your husband be standing up for you ? He needs to tell them to knock it off, that he is devoted to you, and it's none of their business.

If they ask a question when he's not around, ask them a question right back -- "perhaps you can explain to me why you need to know about my personal life ?" That should make them squirm or shut them up. If they come back and say that they are "concerned" you can say that it is none of their business. And if it is said in a glaring way, they'll get the hint.

Finally, a blank, withering stare is probably all that is needed. To meet a question with silence is pretty embarrassing for the person asking it. That way you take control. It isn't bad manners not to answer a question meant for ill-will.

Practice all of this in front of a mirror. Give it to 'em !

PS. If nothing changes and your husband doesn't back you up, refuse to have anything to do with his family and friends in the future. And stick to your guns.

Answer 4

Just ask them if they will let it rest, that you are not comfortable with them bringing it up and making jokes about the affair, it makes you feel very uncomfortable and embarrassed. That you are still working on forgiving him and that they aren't do a damn bit of good bringing it up. Just tell them what you wrote here that you feel nervous,confused and humiliated, it makes you very uncomfortable that you sometimes don't feel like being around them because of it. In other words it HURTS.

Answer 5

i think this is a great question. when ever you dont want to talk about a situation or a problem or anything it really doesnt matter what it is YOU SIMPLY SAY i'm sorry but I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT thank you AND YOU WALK AWAY. when you say this you smile and just say that you dont feel comfortable talking about it. you are not being rude and it doesn't offend people however, by saying this it really makes people shut up. you can even add "i dont mean to be rude but..." i have had some experience with this!! or even better you can say i dont know how to express myself and answer your question i'm sorry. this really seems silly and something you would think no one would ever say but actually it's very common and polite.

Answer 6

I'm sorry, but their behavior is just downright rude and insensitive. The next time the subject comes up cut them off right at the start by saying something like, "Could we talk about something more pleasant?" You're not being rude and you're getting your point across. I don't know how you've kept your mouth shut this long!

Answer 7

I'm not sure I follow....

He had an affair while you were married. He introduced the woman to his family and friends and they ask about her in front of you?????

Or is this his ex girlfriend prior to him being married. I hope this is the case. Everyone has a past, and you ended up with him (good or bad).

Answer 8

Personally, I wouldn't have it. I would tell everyone in the room to stop because it's rude and I don't need to hear about it. And if they don't I won't come and visit anymore. I have no problem with not being around people who can't put themselves in other people's shoes.

Answer 9

What kind of sick human beings do you talk to??? These people have issues if they need to make you feel uncomfortable during a conversation. I would avoid these people like the plague. Seriously, it's his mistake not yours. Why won't they talk to him about it?

Answer 10

I am not sure I understand the question. Is it an affair that they are talking about, or his ex wife?