problems with our 20 year old?

Question

We have a 20 year old daughter. In the past 12 months, she has moved out with 1 girl friend got caught stealing from her employer, phoned and said the girl was going to beat her up so her dad took a day off work to go get her and all her stuff. Then she got another job, moved in with a loser guy -no job, 25 years old, ex-wife, no car, crappy apt. He up and left her with rent owing and moved to another province. We let her move back again. While she was with this guy-she lost the 2nd job. Then a month after he leaves her stranded("he's such a loser, I'm never talking to him again"), She now has another job her dad got her, this loser calls her and uses her to drive him back to the other province. We found out by her work calling home saying she hadn't shown up for work. We spent a sleepless night wondering.2 weeks later,by now having used all her money, She calls home and says he hit her. Now she's back with a bad attitude and seeming to have not learned a thing. Help...

Answer 1

your not going to like this answer but....TOUGH LOVE BABY! don't let her come back. she knows your always there to take her in after she screws up...therefor...she'll keep screwing up. do her a favor. if your tired of seeing her hanging out with losers and worried about her perhaps becoming one herself, then don't always bail her out. let her learn her lesson. keep doing it and you'll be helping her ruin her life!

Answer 2

I'm sure you've heard the saying: "You've made your bed, now lie in it". Tough love is never easy. No one wants to see their children go through such things, so we do alllll we can to "help" them, or what we think is helping them. Sit her down & have a nice long chat with her about her actions & the consequences of those actions, then tell her you nor her father will be helping her out of anything anymore. It's HER responsibility to take care of herself & to pay closer attention to those things around her. The guy with no job, ex-wife, no car & crappy appartment ... should have been a huge red flag. Maybe you should ask your daughter what she thought she would gain by being with such a person that doesn't even want to take care of themselves? And now he's become abusive.. which I'm sure she didn't see coming for whatever reason. Young adults still have that "know it all" attitude & expect their parents to pick up the pieces when everything falls apart around them. Just set her back on the right track & explain to her that from this point on, it's HER responsibility to take care of herself. Though don't think you can't check in on her to see how she's doing. Just don't fall into the same rut again, by bailing her out of her situations. If she seems to want your help, offer advice only. Words sometimes speak volumes to those with deaf ears ;)

Answer 3

She's 20. I know you love her, and want whats best for her, but the best thing may be the tough love approach.
Tell her if she leaves again, shes out for good. Tell her if shes going to stay, she has to pay rent. The difference is, when she pays you, put it away for her to help her get her own apartment or to help her get out of any debt she is in. You might also consider using some of the money she pays to get her some counciling. And it doesnt have to be much. Enough for her to learn some responsibility. Let her know up front what the money is going to. She may be more willing to pay if she knows its for her future.
She has to learn respect and learn what its like to stand on her on two feet. She will continue to make bad choices if she knows she has a way out.
Its unfortunate, and it must be terribly hard for you and her dad.
I hope she learns for her sake and yours. Best of luck to you!

Answer 4

Kick her out she's 20 not a baby anymore. She will not grow up if she always has you to fall back on. She needs to go through tough times on her own, learn to deal with difficult decisions that she is making and the consequences of making them. She will eventually grow up. But she has to have you back off or she will continue to screw up.

Answer 5

Time to give her the pink slip on her life. She's an adult and you need to stop cleaning up her messes. As long as she knows mom and dad are going to pick up the pieces she is not going to grow up. Tell her she's welcome to come to sunday dinner, holidays whatever but you are not going to keep fixing things for her.

Hate to sound mean but sounds like you and her dad did a poor job at raising her, or she'd be taking care of her own problems.

Answer 6

i think your soreness and rigidity -- now and lower back no remember how sturdy of a confirm we attempt to be our young babies do no longer finally end up how we want. that may no longer your fault. Sound like hubby isn't plenty help. Stand your floor if U can --- if no longer take a short "trip" and enable them to run the domicile by skill of then selves for a mutually as and see how they prefer it without U there to %. up the products. If that may no longer an determination, tell your son he has to advance up or get out. After 18 U R no longer obligated to look after him by skill of regulation. U ought to shop your sanity. in the journey that your husband is babying his son this is in basic terms no longer hassle-free. yet while husband desires to maintain U then he had extra desirable take your area. Wrecking the autos makes U ought to establish that he does neverchronic something of yours lower back. the two between the adult men ought to comprehend that the coverage corporation will cancel if this keeps up. this is intense, and U ought to shield your self legally. How badly do U % to stay married? sufficient is sufficient. as quickly as a infant turns 18 they should start up helping pay for groceries or utilities. if theychronic they purchase their own gas and pay some area of the coverage quotes. this is the way i replaced into raised, and how we raised our females. It specific makes their adjustment to the "genuine" international much less complicated. Your son had NO good to call U names or go away nasty notes. in the journey that your husband won't lower back U up on something, U can seek for exterior counseling. This serves 2 applications. it could help U cope on a on a daily basis foundation, and it will grant a public checklist that U have been searching for expert help, in case of a divorce or lawsuit later. arise for your self --- this has long gone on long sufficient. sturdy success.

Answer 7

you have to quit fixing it for her, let her be responsible for her own decisions, allow her to fail, than and only than will she learn the consequences of her actions. you are actually doing her a diservice by fixing things, that means she doesn't have to learn, or be accountable for anything. don't rescue her anymore, let her live with her next decision. you aren't her best friend, your her parent,perhaps she could benefit from professional help. u have to set boundaries with her, the boundaries are for u not her, let her know in a crystal clear way what the consequences are and than as hard as it is, u must stick to it.

Answer 8

Stop bailing her out. She is 20 she is an adult. She will learn. She will have too. As long as you enable her she will continue to do the same thing. If nothing changes, nothing changes.... good luck.

Answer 9

sometimes you just have to let your kids figure things out for themselves. tell her that this is the last time that you are going to help her. give her a place to stay, but do not give her money. if she isn't in school she needs to learn how to keep a job. if you don't give her money, she will have to have to keep a job to have money. next time she needs help, tell her that she will just have to figure something out.

Answer 10

Tell her you love her and what you would like to see for her and when she has a problem ASK HER WHAT SHE IS GOING TO DO ABOUT IT! Time to let her fall or you will be picking her up for life.