should i work to heal this friendship or let it go?

Question

I am having a difficult time with one of my best friends. I love her dearly, but we have some real communication problems. (We're both straight and married, so that's not part of the issue.)
We had a bit of a disagreement this week, where she thought I did something that made her angry. Instead of asking me about it, she held the anger in and kind of pulled away from the friendship. Yes, that's typical of how she "punishes" perceived slights... without being upfront about it.
She also tells me frequently about things she thought about doing (for me) but never did. Almost like "but you weren't quite important enough..." Or tells about some fun thing she did with someone else after telling me she couldn't do whatever with me.
Am I being too sensitive? Can anyone give me advice on how to deal with this situation? She generally is a kind, caring person, but maybe I have unreasonable expectations of our friendship. Help!

To clarify things, she didn't actually say that I'm not important enough. Her actions seem to indicate it sometimes, though.
Also, I do enjoy being with her when we're together. And she seems to enjoy being with me. That's part of what makes it all so confusing...

Answer 1

Have you communicated to her that when she says these things they make you feel bad. She may not realize talking about her fun weekend with another friend was hurting you when she hought she was just making conversation. The fact that she says "you weren't important enough" really hurts! It hurts me to hear that someone you consider a friend would say that to you! It sounds like she is being really immature with her emotions, especially for soemone who is old enough to be married. You can serve as a good example by communicating with her in the way you would like to be communicated with, even to the point of being straight forward and saying, I wish you would say something to me when you are angry with me instead of withdrawing. I want this friendship to work. Try to talk to her in a way that isn't accusatory like "You do this" but talk in a "You make me feeel [blank] when you withdraw.. " or incorporate "We" into your conversation like "I feel we need to work on communicating with eachother better, I care about you and I want to work out whatever is bothering you" If she doesn't change and retains her mature attitude, I would find someone else who respects you enough to be upfront with you. When I read this, it sounded llike a "friend" I have right now who posts her thoughts on an online journal instead of telling me upfront in an appropriate time and place. I tried talking to her a while ago but she hasn't changed and I find that she just makes me more upset than happy and I am trying to find a safe and respectable way out.

Answer 2

No your expectations are fine.But your judgement of a friend is off. This person does not sound like a good friend to me.I can understand her holding things in cuz alot of people have that fault. You except peoples faults.But not their deliberate unkindness. Like things they do to u.Like telling u she can't go with u. Then going somewhere esle with someone esle.That is not what a friend does.She sounds immature and very selfish. With friends like her u don't need enemies..

Answer 3

I guess that's all about friendship. Maybe she's stressed out. I have a friend that does the same thing. So I do the same to her. I think she tries to get me jealous sometimes. Or maybe you two need time apart.

Answer 4

She doesn't sound like a true friend. Maybe you are. If she throws you crazy and hangs out with others instead of you, then tells you about it, she doesn't care about your feelings and to me, that's not a friend. Lose her and get a real friend. You'll be better off.

Answer 5

Firstly, i wouldn't say that you are being insensitive. I had a friend like that for a few years, and in the end i took it down to just one question 'does being with them make me happy?' I couldn't work out if i was just being too sensitive, but it felt like everything i said wasn't good enough, or that she was constantly putting me down. we drifted, and that was the end of that. i obviously wasn't as important to her as i first though.

Answer 6

She must grow up some and communicate with you better ! It takes two people to have a relationship and it sounds like shes not into it like you are ! Tell her this and see where it gets you!