what are we doing here?

Question

after my mother died,4 months ago,i started looking intol life in a very much different way. i drive my car in the morning on my way to my own private work,just talking to myself,what am i doing?my mom left everything and everyone and just gone..her things and her own smallest life details are still there,her watch,eyeglasses,her chocolates,everything is still in its place,but she's gone...someone tell me please,what are we going after in this tough life?am sooooo confused and desperate.

Answer 1

Hello Sadflower. I am upset just reading your question and i totally understand how you are feeling right now. I lost my Dad suddenly in April 04 as he was mugged and murdered, kicked to death by two men.He didn't even see them coming. It was horrendous and my world was turned upside down and nothing made sense. I found myself in the same situation as you are now. I questioned everything.
I used to look at strangers and think " i wish you were dead instead" I would wonder stupid things such as " why is that bird or that tree still alive but my dad isn't.." And his wardrobe was full of his lovely familiar clothes and i couldn't understand why they still existed... how they could all just be left behind,, all those things he needed....just like you said about your mothers eyeglasses.
It is normal for you to question everything, but don't expect to find the answers, not really, as i don't believe there really is one. But it is now 2 yrs 7 months since i lost my Dad and the first year was unbearable and the second year was easier and now i hardly ever cry about it, but i think about it every day. I never thought i would laugh again, but i do and i never thought the sun shining would make me feel happy, but it does. I got through it by crying when i needed to, but also by thinking about what my Dad would want me to do... he had a little saying " don't dwell on it" and so i try not to.
I could have quietly curled up and let myself die too as nothing else mattered,... but i knew deep down it did, I mattered, my mother and brother and partner mattered. My dad would not have wanted me to die or to live my life as though i were dead. I realised i had only two choices. Give up and live only half a life, or get up and live a better life...it didn't happen over night and even just last night i sobbed and sobbed in bed, but it was the first time in a long time and wasn't nearly half as painful as it was in that first year.

Losing someone makes us realise how fragile life is, and makes us question the point of it. I still don't know.... but i think it might be to be the best we can be, to contribute something good to this tough world and make things better for other people, to love people and care about others, including strangers like you and i are.
You will get through this feeling, although you may never get an answer. Start by just trying to appreciate the small things in life, the simple things, moments in your day that are special. Talk to your mother, and i believe that when you laugh and smile she is laughing to.

This is a song ( Dance with my father again, by ) that upsets me, so i made up a new verse for the end of it...

If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again

If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again


( my new bit:)
I will live for today, cos i can't live any other way. I will laugh and i'll smile for you, cos i know know know that's what you would want me to do.

You are part of your mother, her eyeglasses and chocolates are just things, but YOU are part of her, she lives in you, her genes carry on in you..
This message is genuinely sent with love and care and i wish i could take away some of your pain and the heaviness in your heart and the tighness in your chest and in your head. Breath deeply, focus on positive things, get plenty of fresh air. You won't feel better over night, and you will go through fazes of feeling low and ok and even happy but eventually the happy times last longer than the sad times. Smile as much as you can and talk to your loved ones.
One day at a time and never give up. Life can and will be wonderful again xxx
Joanne x

Answer 2

My mom passed 4 years and I still have moments when i go through the same thing. It is hard, but you have to move on. Not get over, but move on. Accept that your mother lived a wonderful life, and what was left behind were worldy possessions. If there is something that triggers sadness, stay away from it (like i have a song i was playing in the car on my way to see my mom when she passed that i can no longe rlisten to without crying to till this day).

Think that once your role is served on this planet that you may be called to a higher place (depending on your religion and beliefs) and that there will be no more pain or suffering. She may have left this world, but she is still in your heart and mind. She will always be a part of you. If you try to figure out the meaning of life it will take you forever.

The biggest thing will be to figure out how you can make an impact on this world and make it a better place for not only you, but for the rest of the world.

Its hard but it can be done.

Good luck, prayers be with you.

Answer 3

I've lost both my parents and many friends too, starting when I was just 6 years old. When my Dad died it was really sudden and unexpected. I went to the hospital where they'd taken him and I remember being driven home. I was looking at the world which was carrying on normally as if nothing had happened. But my world had just collapsed. It struck me as odd. I know exactly how you are feeling sadflower. I PROMISE you, time does heal but of course we never forget, neither should we. I often think about what will happen when I go. What I consider to be my most prized possesions will mean absolutely nothing to someone else. Photo's of the most precious people in my life will be just photo's of strangers. It really does make you wonder what it is all for doesn't it? We come into the world with nothing and we leave with nothing. Chin up my friend, it WILL get better. x

Answer 4

I don't know what we are doing in this world where nothing seems to make sense but I know one thing..... If you had a loving relationship with your mother then look at her things. Remember her when she was happy, when you went out for lunch or coffee. Smell her perfume and talk about her. She is still alive inside you and by being happy you'll make her happy. I'm sure wherever she is she's looking out for you so carry on with your life knowing that you were part of her life and no one can take that away from you.
If you need help go to a suport group. lots more people go through the same as you and they can help you.
All the best for you.
Love xx

Answer 5

Life just goes on. We are the people we are and all the things we loved, eat, liked, read, wore, the radio station we listened to, the bills we had to pay, the way we left the things we touched when we were alive still remain. The affect we had on people is the most lasting thing - the phrases we used, the things we said in times of stress - all these things echo on when we are gone. Your mother has left this plain but her affects still mover forward like a wave of sound. This will eventually disipate and all that will be left will be the memories of her being here. You will get through this - it is only right that you should. God bless.

Answer 6

Sorry Sadflower I wish I honestly had the answer for you. But I do not believe that there is anyone alive who can honestly tell you what happens after our death. I am sorry to hear of your loss and it sounds like it has affected you deeply. I'm certain however that your mother would appreciate how much she meant to you and the fact that you are researching where she may be. I suppose that if a person has faith that their loved ones are looking out for them after they leave us it is very comforting. Like yourself I lost my father many years ago and was too young to actually know him. I do know that when things are going either too good or badly that I find condolence in going to his gravesight and sharing what is going on with him. You may want to try this also as it will make you feel that you are making a connection and this is very good.

Answer 7

Please don't feel so sad. I am so sorry for your loss. Having your mom's things there are only going to be a constant reminder of her. You have to donate them or keep them for your children. You can't go on beating yourself up about this. She had a purpose in life, didn't she? She had a wonderful daughter, didn't she? Yes, this life is tough. Many people bow out early or give up. You didn't. You are a survivor. Plus I think that your Mom didn't just leave you. She left this world for another life. Talk to her, I am sure she will listen. She is your angel now. Please gather your friends for support. You need some loving. My thoughts and blessings are with you.

Answer 8

I presume you are over 18 as you drive and have a job. It is very sad when someone loses someone they love, parent, child, partner. Grieve yes - but you must also live on. The person who you have lost would be so upset to know you feel there is no point in the future. Your mom is still with you, you just can't see her any more. Instead of talking to yourself when driivng in your car, pretend you are talking to her. Tell her what you have planned for the day, just talk. I hope you soon feel less lonely.

Answer 9

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Hold onto the good memories you have of your precious mom because she would not want you to suffer. I'm sure she loved you very much and instilled in you greater strength than you even knew you had. You're going to be okay but it will take a long time. Right now, it's hell but you will get through it with the help of Almighty-God.
I pray that He grants you the peace that only He can give.

Answer 10

I'm afraid to say only god knows the answer i do think that way to i feel alone most days i think I'm here on my own but other days i feel i have everyone around and life is good but some days i just don't no what life has in store for me i wish i knew so we must each go on living day by day and see what it will bring i do try to think of the less of people than me and realise their is worse of than me and i should be more grateful?

Answer 11

My mum died september last year. It felt like my world was torn apart, and I was crying all the time. But found this difficult when my young daughter was around. The worst was clearing the house out, and giving away her ornaments and her possessions, which mainly went to charity shops. I couldn't bear to throw anything away. I feel for you very much cos I went through everything you are feeling. Christmas will be particularly bad with her not being there. It's very hard but time will heal. Bless You, and keep going. xxx