My husband and I were married last year and I have kids. He doesn't have any. But it is hard for us to agree on anything that has to do with them and it is also hard for us to have time together.
2006-11-05 04:06:48 · 9 answers · asked by rock-rock 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well the first two years of any marriage ( kids or not) are the most challanging. You know how you and your husband are still getting used to being married. Your kids are still getting used to it to. ANd your husband is still getting used to having kids. I'm sure he is doing his best, but plopping someone into the middle of an already existing system is hard. i.e. you already have a system for how you deal with your kids on certian issues. It is what they are used to and what you are used too. And he get to just live there without really having a say in how things work cause the system already exists and you probably aren't willing to change it. so in essence he is a prisoner of circumstance. if you had raised them together starting out, you would have develped a system together, but he didn't get to be there for that stage and now has very little say over what goes on in his house. Try to be understanding, and allow him to set some ground rules for his own personal sanity and back him up on enforcing them, cause if you don't back him up, the kids will not respect him and that will destroy your marriage.
2006-11-05 04:17:02 · answer #1 · answered by I love sushi 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like this is one of those issues you two didn't discuss before hand.
He isn't their bio father, but he now cares for them, so he should get the respect he deserves. May be cause he doesn't have kids, you think sence their yours, you know better??
Try making all decissions about the kids in the bedroom or other room where the kids aren't at. Try listening to each others reasonings, before getting upset if you think your decission isn't going to be the one chosen on.
Get a babysitter one night a week. Even if you can't afford to go out some where, get the sitter, and leave out the door, and crawl back in the window.
This bonding for you and he will be the best and it will give you time to discuss issues you didn't before the "I DO'S".
Also, make a night that is family night. If he has no children, but now does, it was his decission to be a father now, so allow him time to bond with them also. Maybe some of those nights, you not be there, and let them bond without you around.
IF you happen to have a very bothersome child, it's time you put your foot down and made them understand that HE is the KIng of his castle.
2006-11-05 12:18:32 · answer #2 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He just feels resentment because they are not his. You might not want to hear it but it is true. When I was growing up, my mother's husband treated my brother and I indifferently because we were not his real kids. The thing you have to have patience with is that he might resent them because they are not his. He might want to have a child with you and he does not have that yet.
On a side note, my husband (26) and I(24) have three children- ages 5,4,and 3. So I know what I am talking about when I say it is difficult to raise small children. The first year is hard with children because you are not only trying to adjust to a new life together, you are also trying to adjust to a new life together with children. Since he doesn't have any of his own, he does not know how to deal with it yet. Just give him time to adjust and ask him if there is anything you can do to make the transition any easier.
You might want to go on family outings and see if that brings him closer to your children.
2006-11-05 12:57:18 · answer #3 · answered by Guatie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I went through this 30 years ago when i married a man ,,, i had a 3 year old son and it was VERY hard , we had the same problem, i think what was so hard was having him trying to discipline him. we had different ways of doing it and i would actually get pissed off at him when he would tell"" my son""what to do and after a while i realized that he married not only me but my son also,. its a good man that can raise another mans children, it is also very hard to let him take over the role of doing it! do the children have any contact with their dad? how old are they and are they willing to listen to what he says??? most important does he love the kids?? there are alot of questions here,, as far as time alone, what about getting grandma to come over night so you can surprise him with a romantic night at a motel with room service,, if you cant afford it splurge,, and let him know that you appreciate him being into you and your children's lives, it will mean a lot to him>>> good luck
2006-11-05 12:22:59 · answer #4 · answered by MissMonk 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe it's because you're used to being the only on in charge with your children and you have to adjust to having a husband and also having him have some say about your children. As for him he has a lot to adjust to since he has no children. He has to adjust to being married and having kids. You two have to set time aside everyday to talk to each other (Alone, not in front of the kids). No aruging just talk. Try to be understanding of each other at this time. And come to some agreement.
2006-11-05 12:20:58 · answer #5 · answered by Angelica G 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That first year is one of "adjustment".....everybody getting acclamated to each other. Once that year is over, it will get better, trust me. As far as the kids go, the decisions that have to be made are up to you....you're their Mother. Maybe hire a sitter, once in a while, to give you some time together, without the kids. In order for the marriage to work, the two of you have to remain close. Good Luck.....it WILL get better!
2006-11-05 12:14:42 · answer #6 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi. I was there once but it was his kids.....you are right it is hard to get to spend time with your new husband....don't let the kids run you or you will regret it in the long run....be stern but fair but most of allhave a schedule for the kids and then after they are in bed thats your time!!!!!! have been married to him now for 12 years and son(step son) is about to head to college....it was rough but well worth it...
2006-11-05 12:18:07 · answer #7 · answered by featherlover2002 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Challenging is an understatement: children will destroy your intimacy with each other. The fantasy of married life is quickly destroyed by the little s.o.b's running around and in your face constantly.
You must also comes to terms with something- your children are plotting your demise. In order to rule them you must be feared by them.
2006-11-05 12:14:12 · answer #8 · answered by RHJ Cortez 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Compromise and set time aside for each other.
2006-11-05 12:14:49 · answer #9 · answered by miss m. 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋