my wife as left me after 20 years?

Question

my wife as left me after 20 years. she says she doen't love me anymore. she was hoping the kids (16 and 19) would go with her but they have stopped with me . i have suggested that as she is 40 in a few weeks that it might be a mid life crisis. she says there is nothing wrong with her and she knows what she is doing. everybody keeps saying that she will be back when she comes to her senses. the way she is talking to me i know she is serious and is not coming back. she said she wanted to go night clubbing with our daughter who said that she was way too old to do that. wife said she was joking. she keeps asking me to give her space and she is not coming home. she won't consider marriage guidence because there is nothing wrong with her and she doesn't need to talk to strangers about her problems. all her family have taken my side but all she is saying is that we are all wrong. thing is the more i pressure her to come back the more she will stay away she can be stubborn like that.

Answer 1

if you want to keep her,but I don't know why really from the sounds of it except that you have 20 years invested in the relationship,I would do a little investigating and find out who is checking your wife's oil.
I am serious..that is the only answer that is plausible and reasonable,and she probably feels that she cannot stay with you because of guilt.
Be upfront and just lay the cards on the table and get it out in the open and find out what is really going on..and take off those 20 year old rose colored glasses.

Answer 2

I am so soryy that your wife has left you and I can understand how lost you are feeling when you do not know why perhaps she does not know why and is just as confused as you are.
I would give her the space she is asking for and let her go only two things can happen when you let go and they are.
1: She will realise what has happenend why she has done it and want to talk to you.
2: She will stay away and that is the end I am sorry to say.
If she comes back then before she does you will need to sit down with her and listen to what she has to say. Some things you may not like to hear as perhaps there are things that over the years you have stopped saying or dong that has made her so unhappy.On the same tune there are things that you are or may not have been happy with and you can tell her that too. It takes tow to make and break a relationship and when one goes off without an answer it is usually because the other partner has stopped saying or doing things that they used to and they have missed it, tried to recapture it and failed or hate to say this found what is missing with someone else. If the later is the case it will not last seldom does.
When I was 40 I felt so old and that life had passed me by and felt ugly and tied down with everything and did feel like running away what too I had no idea but I did not do it.
Your wife does not need to be pestered or blamed she needs to be left alone to explore herself and her feeling when she wants to talk be prepared for a few changes after all 40 is not old is it and she sounds as if she wants some fun in her life she has been a wife and mom for over 20 years that is a long time friend.
I think she will be back give her space and see what happens my husband did this many years ago he was as stuborn as hell so in the end I let him go it took him 3 months to want to talk to me and we are now so very happy after 7 years back together and a lot stronger. We were both at fault by the way. good luck

Answer 3

Well I can only talk of my own experience and the shoe was on the other foot. I left my ex after 24 years. My kids were deeply hurt and I still wish it could be different. However every one has a different reason for divorce some one. Mid life is a time to say I only have half my life ahead of me and am I happy the way I am going. There is nothing wrong with reflection on ones life. Some of the things that happen is people know that they are not happy but not why. The idea of therapy is to help discover that and to make changes. Well my ex was a therapist so that made it hard for her to change rolls.

I hope you understand it’s a hard road ahead. I would be like disinterested love. Tell her your right something is wrong we need a change but I am not sure what kind of change will help. Maybe your rights that were not made for one another or maybe we could make adjustments to make life the next 20 years full of joy. I be her friend wish her the best and discover things about your self you like to change. Would you marry you, the way you are now, 20 years ago. Are you the person you dream of becoming?

What would you like to be 5 years from now? What small steps could you make to day to become some one full of life and joy?

Answer 4

Sorry you must be pretty cut up. Maybe you should let her come to a decision in her own time. My mum went through something similar at about the same age and she lived with another guy for 10 unhappy years, but I made sure we stayed friends, that's all anyone can do. The only person you can really change is yourself, try to respect her right to make a decision even if it's wrong, and in the meantime look after yourself and your kids. From experience I know that your parents splitting up is hard and life changing even if you are 19.

Answer 5

If the more you pressure her the more stubborn she gets then let her go. If she is insisting on leaving then you cannot stop her. She is an adult and I too see that she may be going through a mid life crisis....maybe it would be the best thing for her at this time...let her have the choice of whether to return or not..it sounds like she is not listening to anyone right now and wants to have her way. I know it is frustrating for you but sometimes you have to let people make mistakes and come to their own conclusions. Let her go clubbing and do the things that she wants to do...for now just let her go.

Answer 6

Well, it sure sounds as though her mind is made up. However, being that the two of you have been together for 20 years, I would hope that you have built enough that you should be able to communicate. She needs to come clean with her reasoning and be honest with you and her self. Good luck to you, are you sure she is not having an affair? There is something going on here that needs to be addressed and worked on. I wish you the best. Try getting her to sit down and talk with you, 20 years is a great deal to throw away. God bless

Answer 7

She feels as though she missed out on life and now she wants to have that life she missed out on however she is to old to do that and she already missed that road. If that is the choice she wants then let her lead it. You need to go out and show her that you can have fun as well. Start dressing your best and be the best father you know how to be. Show her you are able to do it all by yourself. Do not call her unless it has to do with your kids. She needs some tough love. Stay busy start going out yourself. She is the one who missed the boat and now she wants it now. The more she sees you not wanting her in your life the more interested she may become. I would not be doing this just for her but revenge is a good thing when you do things for yourself without her.

Answer 8

Just give her some time. If ur all she's known for 20yrs it won't b so easy just to up and walk away like that. She's probley goin through more than u think and she's just finding a way to either figure them out or hide them, and the best bet for her is to run away. But once she knows that won't work she'll be back. She knows she has a family and people who love her like she said give some time.

Answer 9

Sorry to hear that, but please don't rely on her wanting to come back, I was married at 19, I left my husband when I was 50, that's 31 years. I simply stopped loving him. Not his fault, but I knew how I felt. I now have my own home and life and am happy and contented. Please don't think I'm having a go as I'm not. I just think you should make a new start. If after a while she decides to come back and your happy with that, fine, but you may find you are happier without her. Good luck either way.

Answer 10

Dont worry it happens all the time even after 60 years of marrage maybe your wife has had enough of whatever you do if you dont pull your weight around the house that get the misses angry so maybe its taht but unless your wife wants to get back up with you then if your luck you might meet someone else much more fun than your wife.