My husband?

Question

We have been married for 22yrs and are really good friends, but I have a feeling that he would rather be friends then lovers. He never really got into sex like I did and now that he is older (41) we only have sex once a week. I on the other hand would love to have sex, hold hands, hug, kiss, someone to hang out with, well to me those are things that a husband and wife should do together. I guess what I am trying to say is could there be something wrong with me or is there something wrong with him. I miss having the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I need someone to love me the way a man and women should love each other....I just don't know what to do.....

Answer 1

Well...I think the operative part of this question is when you explained that your husband "never" really got into sex like you did. It sounds like your sex drives and your personalities are a little unmatched.

There are plenty of marriages, successful and not successful, in which one person is much more "touchy feely" than the other (I happen to be in one...my hubby is very touchy feely and I am not so much that way). It's sad when this happens, because one person always ends up having to give more than the other.

With that said...obviously, there is something that has held you two together for 22 years. You are great friends and I'm sure that your husband loves you dearly. You cannot equate his lack of sex drive with his love for you, because often they are completely unconnected. Also, at your husbands age, it becomes more difficult for a man to perform and he may feel self consious about this.

All in all, sex once a week is NOT that bad...maybe you can talk to your husband about helping to pleasure you in other ways when he is not up for sex. And then, there is also masturbation...this is exactly what it is for... Good luck.

Answer 2

Could be a few things. He is at that age where things tend to slow down. This is just before the mid-life crisis that some men go thru. Just because he doesn't do the lovey-dovey things doesn't mean he loves you less. Some guys get tired with routine. Don't try to spice it up with the pansy bubble bath, roses, and champagne trick. That's for the movies. Most men are visual creatures. Come to bed in a teddy or something (providing you have the body for it...not to be mean, but a jelly roll in a slinky outfit just don't do the trick).
Now on the other hand. If he pushes away your affections, then it's time to start worrying. If you start cuddling on the couch and he just gets up and walks of to "do something", you may have a bigger problem on your hands. If the one night a week is like more a burden to him....he's losing interest or already lost it and just trying to save face.

Answer 3

Some people are not as physical as others. It doesn't mean that your husband doesn't love you or desire you sexually, it just means that he may have a lower sex drive and may not need hand holding and cuddling on the couch all the time. I think you should talk to your husband about this. He may just be too tired to think about sex. It really just depends on work, personal sex drive and health. Learn from the source not from a stranger on the net. Do talk to him!

You might also want to try 'dating' your husband of course! Make plans once a week to do something boyfriend/girlfriend like. Go for walks and ask that he hold your hand. You have to communicate with him what your needs are.

Answer 4

You and your husband have been unequally yoked together.

Sometimes our hormones make choices for us. My guess is that your courtship was short.

It takes time to know someone. There are loads of totally sexless marriages in the US as well as marriages that have sex everyday.

These people were like this from the beginning. The sad thing is usually the partner that has less drive usually changes the other.

Yes , you can talk to your husband about this, but the wrong words could push him further away.

If you let him know that he is the object of your desire, his responses would be more favorable.

There are no easy answers , try therapy

Answer 5

You should talk to him and tell him how you feel.

Maybe it would be a good idea to get counseling together and separately. Talking things out with an expert can work wonders.

Take some time to re-evaluate your relationship because you may be experiencing something that the two of you can really work out. But you should be on the same page because you cannot do it alone. You need each other to make the marriage really work!

Answer 6

You have been married for 22 years and your husband is 41 yrs old.. If u r 40 years old or near 40 then this is normal.. At this age women tend to be more romantic and have the needs u r talking about.. This is very normal, there is nothing wrong with u. U should talk to ur husband and express ur feelings openly..

Answer 7

Don't wait for him to make the first move. Take his hand and hold it, give him a spur of the moment back rub, snuggle or ask to be held. The more causual skin contact to get may restart his engine. Maybe you two need to take up something new in your life....together. Something you can share......and go from there.

We take it for granted they know what you want, but he's become lazy. He figures he got his woman, why put out the effort.

He may also be having some questions about his sexuality...it's about the age it starts. Also his testosterone level may be dropping and it's not something he's going to talk to a doctor about...you may have to take the initiative.

Answer 8

You have gotten some really, really good advice here. I think you asked this question at the right time of day because it seems that many people are giving thoughtful, honest answers. Lucky you! I'm shocked at some of the answers I've seen...

Meanwhile, I have the same problem you have. My guy doesn't seem to understand how important hand-holding, affection, and sex are to me. I can't get him to be more affectionate no matter what I do.

But maybe we need to be the demonstraters. Talking about it ("Why aren't you more affectionate?") doesn't seem to get very far. I've noticed that when I'm especially sweet to my guy, he returns the favor, but in HIS way, not necessarily mine. Its a give and take. Maybe we can do unto them as we'd like done unto us. I think I'm going to try this - maybe you can too. Good luck and hope this was helpful in some menial way : )

Answer 9

You have been married for 22 years, he isn't going to change. He was like this earlier in life and you had the chance back then to decide if this was what you wanted from him as a husband. In all honesty, you need to realize that they man you married is still right in front of you, and because you accepted it back then, he never felt compelled to change his habits in any way. You told him in your lack of actions and words that everything was okay. You should really be happy that your marriage has lasted for 22 years (congratulations) and except that this is the type of relationship that you will have with him for the rest of your lives together. Please be happy, and don't let this destroy everything.

Answer 10

At the age of 41 his testosterone level will probably begin to drop gradually and his sexual desire will also decline.Some men try to turn this around by changeing there diet and excersize habits.Something else that could be hurting his desire is work,stress and long hours plus not resting well at night.All these things can change the way a man feels and thinks.