Problem with 20 year old daughter?

Question

How do I get my daughter to break the cycle of abusive boyfriends?
Since she was a teen she's chosen much older men who are junkies (ex?). She swears she's not a drug user but just likes a guy who's a little "rough around the edges" They get worse with each passing loser. They abuse drugs, drink, beat her, cheat on her and yet she stays. When the abuse gets so bad that her life is truly threatened, she'll call me and beg me to help her. I always do (sometimes putting my own life in danger). But then she either goes back to the scumbag or on to someone worse.
Her father was abusive to me & we divorced when she was 9. I tried to show her that women can be strong and don't have to put up w/abuse. SHe's ADHD and borderline manic depressive & not taking her meds. I've tried everything I can think of letting her come home (w/counseling), offering to pay for college, etc. Now I'm thinking tough love, no contact until she's done being a punching bag, but I'm afraid she'll end up dead

I just want to clarify that I NEVER abused my daughter mentally/physically in any way. Also, my ex NEVER ABUSED my her in ANY way. I never let him discipline her for fear of her safety. I (like most other abused women) would quickly dicipline my children (using time outs - not beating as one answerer implies). Also, my daughter and I are actually very close. She calls me every day to check in and let me know she's okay because she knows how I worry about her. We go shopping, go to movies, still take family vacations, get together just to chit chat. I guess I should have made that clear. She's working (albeit in the service industry & there's nothing wrong with that). My prob is witnessing what these loser bf's do to her. It breaks my heart to see it. My dr recently said stress in my life is killing me. She is my sole source of anxiety.I worry 24/7. thx for support! Esp the 1st makes me feel better. Should I tell her no contact til she stops the cycle? Wants help/counseling?

Answer 1

Sounds like you are in a no win situation. When I was her age I did not listen to anyone. There is nothing worse for a mother than seeing your child in pain. This is a really bad situation, obviously. I think you should consult professionals or your local women's shelter for advice. This really could be life or death. I feel for you, I wish I had a better answer.

Answer 2

I would say, yes use tough love... but Dr. Phil would disagree with me. He's had shows about the same thing. If you use tough love, she may feel more alienated and if something bad happens, you'll feel even worse. The hard part is she is 20 years old and there's not much you can do to her. You may need to constantly reassure her you will love her and be there no matter what. AND do it. You also may need to wait til she does "bottom out". At her age, you cannot force her to take her meds. If she is on drugs, you can have her committed... but that could only be a temporary fix. ADHD has nothing to do with her bad choices; however her being manic depressive could have a lot to do with it. Since she watched her abusive father, this is what she thinks is normal and may even think this is what love is. I'm not a doctor, but I would say be there for her and let her know everyday you love her and will be there no matter what. If you keep lecturing her, she may run further away from you. If you feel she is on drugs, then do a "family intervention". Find out what you need to do now, before the time comes where you have to use it. Constantly reassure her how great she is, you love her, you will be there morning, noon and 3am... no matter what without judgment. Good luck! You're being a great mom.

Answer 3

She hates herself. She feels unworthy of a real solid healthy relationship. Unfortunately, she learned this at home when she was very young. There is so much scientific evidence regarding this affliction that it comes from unempathic care when she was young. She doesn't have any trust in you and returning her to you when you're such a huge part of the problem will never work.

Your daughter is depressed and suffers from ailments that have nothing to do with ADD or any other "disease" that removes you and her from taking personal responsibility. ADD is really PDD--Parental Deficit Disorder---What's the difference of taking legally addicting mind altering drugs and illegal addicting mind altering drugs? The difference is accepting some bullsh*t diagnosis that does nothing but line the pockets of doctors and the pharmaceutical industry, and believing she has a disease and washing your hands of any responsibility. What mother would choose to drug her own child into compliance? The answer: a desperate one.

Subconsciously, your daughter feels it’s her turn to abuse you just as you let her be psychologically abused by you and your husband. Abuse doesn't have to come at the end of a whip.
If you truly want to help her, let her go and to find her deepest bottom on her own.

I'm sorry if this hurts, but first you have to have your own introspection and admit to your mistakes and accept full responsibility for the mess your daughter is in. It might take months or years, but your apology to your daughter if sincere, will one day be accepted and this could help in her recovery the depths of despair.

Hopefully one day she'll have a cathartic moment and chose life instead of pursuing death.

Answer 4

i dont have an answer on how to get her out of the situation but perhaps i can help you understand it. first it starts out innocent with a comment those jeans make you look fat...why cant you cook like my mom...that shirt is too low cut and i'm not letting you out of the house like that. Then you do something and it deserves a push or shove against the wall. Pretty soon its choking, slapping, punching...next day oh honey i'm sorry it will never happen again but it does and the mental abuse never ends pretty soon no one will want you because you are ugly and fat... and you believe it. You think you will never be worthy of anyone or anything. you stay because you will be alone. oh i ran into the wall i tripped etc. then one day something does snap inside of you and you finally leave....then you meet someone, someone just like the last one it starts again why because thats what you think you deserve. You should know this because if you were abused as well...how long did she see it....even tho you got out how long did it take you....she sees it as normal. Drugs, alcohol are just her escapes....if i take one more hit or drink one more drink it wont hurt as bad.......I wish i could say something that one thing that would help you but i dont know what it is. I think you should stay in contact with her....be there for her when she has had enough and i pray that the last time will be her last time and i will be praying for you as well mom.

Answer 5

First of all , I believe her Mentall Ilness is leading her to this. Unfortunately she is over 18. Though a person can be Marsh-manned Acted through a Judge in a court to be forced to take their Medications and be hospitalized untill the Med's kick in. Also you should can report her being beat on by her boyfriends to the police and women's violence shelters. She definately seems to have a low self esteem, therefore letting her boyfriends beat her, and abuse drugs around her, most likely pushing her to use drugs as well. Contact legal counsel and speak to a Mental Health proffesional. Also get a restraning order against anyone who will try to harm or harrass you.

Answer 6

I'm sorry I have no idea what you can do. But I hope someone on here can say something to help you out. I remember growing up seeing my mother being abused, but I learned from it. I learned what to look for, what I wanted, and what I would never put up with. I pray that soon she will decide she want better. I do agree with the counseling though. I am sorry about the pain this is putting both of you throw. Good Luck. sorry I can't be more help.

Answer 7

I was going to say that she has learned this from growing up, you 'did' mention that your husband was abusive.
She's not getting it, she still seems to think that this is normal.
What you need to do is get in touch with a woman's shelter for walk in counseling with her,once she sees that you are working through it to get out of that life style.. it's going to open her eyes.

Try to get some literature for her to read on the subject of abuse as well.
Try also to stop interfering by letting her back in.. I know it's hard,and you do worry "i have a child in similar situation"
But, once she's told that 'this is the last time I rescue you" then she has to begin to open her eyes to see whats happening around her.
As long as she has good reading about abuse, counseling to show it's not right, and it shows you are trying to change from your bad past relationships, this should start to head her in the right direction.

Answer 8

I don’t think tough love would be good at this point. You probably need to keep asking her over and over again why she doesn’t think she deserves anything better.

She might like the bad boys but they will never respect her or any other woman. She doesn’t feel that she deserves to be treated any better. I don’t think it is one of empowerment but one of deserving to be treated better.

Yeah, at 20 with manic depressive, it’s probably better at this point to have mom concentrate on trying to keep her on her meds instead of the tough love at this point. But I think I would let her know your patience is running thin and there will be a day where she has no place to run to.

Sounds like she wants a daddy. Maybe you should start telling her why you fell in love with her daddy. The good qualities that you saw in him that attracted you. And that you stayed with him for those qualities, until his behavior overshadowed his good qualities.

My guess is that you need to convey to her that YOU don’t think a man is special that doesn’t abuse women... he is just average and the starting point. She might have it in her head that mom would be happy for her to find any boring guy that doesn’t abuse women, “good boys.” You probably have to convey that a “man is this” and a “man is that” and those bad boys are not men but boys.

I’m just throwing stuff out and see if it will stick. I hope it works for you. I have a cousin with his kid in the same boat but now she is 28, has kids, and still following the same path. If she doesn’t have kids already be sure to do all that you can to keep her protected. Putting a kid in the mix makes things magnitudes more of a problem... especially for you.

I’m probably wrong, but I think tough love might need to be done a little later. I would certainly forget the paying for college at this point. If she ever does pull out of it, there will be a point she will want to go to college and that might be in her late 20’s.

Mom, let’s pray that you won’t have to be disappointed over and over again. It’s such a shame and I don’t know how you can pound it into a 20 year old’s head... I wish I did.

Answer 9

I completely identify with your situation. I've had two 20-something female step adults. And though they haven't lived with me, they could care less how much pain they cause and disrespect they send me. And finally, after putting up with it fairly silently for years (because I thought it was better to bear it so my husband could get the love from his daughters, even if I wasn't), I finally crashed emotionally--I couldn't take it anymore. What have I learned?? That I should have said something about it to my husband years ago, because I can't turn off my own pain. And I should have not worked so hard to be close to them. They are literally poison. I have yet to know if my marriage can survive his awful daughters. In your situation, if you need to get away from his family during holiday visits, I support that, but I'd do it as silently and cheerfully as possible to not cause a stir. Second, you need to have a long talk with your husband about the stress her presence in your home is causing you. He needs to understand that you don't have the ingrained love for her that he does, and it's too hard for you. And the best way for that talk is to have ideas on where she could go, a job she could have, etc etc. And yes, you DEFINITELY need backing from your man. I think men with adult children don't SEE how difficult their children are--remember that they saw them when they were sweet babies, and toddlers and children. It's all in their evaluation of their now-young-adults. Also, they don't understand that they have to stand up to these children. You have to figure out how to communicate that fact to your husband. It's hard and I totally sympathize with you. But communication with your husband is the first and most hopeful key.

Answer 10

My parents went through the same thing. I was in love with a total loser who drank, did drugs and beat me. I didn't do the drugs or drink that much so your daughter may be telling the truth. I knew my parents hated him but they gave me unconditional love and constant guidance and I made it through. I am now happily married for 15 years with 2 beautiful girls and I don't think I would have that if my parents abandoned me. Try acting like you like the guy and then she will probably dump him.