Is it wrong to marry your best friend?

Question

It's just been over 2 years of marriage now and I feel like I made a terrible mistake. We had dated, broken up, dated, broken up, then dated again for a few years. There were never fireworks, never a connecting of souls, just time spent together and pressure from her and our families to tie the knot. I loved her as a friend, but I was never IN love with her. Our wedding day felt like some kind of play I was acting in. I always hoped that over the years she would evolve into the person I would be proud to call my wife, but it never happened. I totally accept and appreciate her as a friend, but we're nowhere close on a spiritual, intellectual, or social level and nothing I've tried has changed that a bit. I have been in love before, but the other person didn't feel the exact same for me. I'm just sorry that I'm on the other side of the fence this time and that I went ahead with a marriage I really didn't want. What do I do?

There are no children involved, just a dog and some fish.

Answer 1

I married my best friend. I didn't love him. He was safe and secure. I second guessed my decision after 2 years like you...that was 13 years ago. We now have two beautiful happy secure girls, and I still feel the same way, but now I'm trapped, depressed and lonely. If you aren't happy now, you won't be in the future. Life is too short to waste your time being unhappy. Someone out there will fulfill every need and want you have. You should never settle for second best, for your sake and hers. Don't live a lie. Get on with your search before you have children. Consider the lessons you have learned from this marriage and strive for something better in the future.

Answer 2

The human heart was not constructed in a manner to endure a lifetime of being with someone that you don't have feelings for. Your heart demands more than that. Having done the same thing as you have I can tell you that the best thing to do is to both realize that life is supposed to be much better. You are supposed to have a spiritual connection with someone, but it will never happen as long as you both play marriage. You need to divorce now. I think that every marriage that is made by conscious human thought is also one that can not last because it is missing the divine love that joins two hearts for a lifetime.

Answer 3

I don't think it is wrong. I tried my hardest to marry my best friend and I did. The problem is she felt the same way as you. She is leaving me and now I hate her and don't know if I could ever be friends again. She also just ended it without giving me a chance to work on things. She still even calls me her best friend. She says she always loved me but was never in love with me. She says she knew this going into the marriage which is extremely unfair since I really was in love with her. You owe it to her to talk things out and go to counceling. Only after that, if that doesn't work, should you seek to leave the marriage. Give her a chance if you really call her your best friend. Trust me, I know.

Answer 4

You should have thought about this before marriage< Sounds like there is no communication in this marriage you should be open with your feelings and try a marriage counselor, You didn't mention if there is children involved, If not maybe of counseling doesn't work you might have to choose the ultimate divorce good luck.

Answer 5

If there are no children involved, you should end it. It is not fair to either of you. I suspect she feels the distance and may also be looking for the emotional love you can't give.

If there are children......I'm sorry.......I think you stick it out until they are up and out. A two person family is necessary for total love. Girls need to learn how to love by loving and receiving love from their father, a boy needs to learn how to act and be a man from a total live-in father.

I'm sorry this isn't working for you.

Answer 6

You need to talk honestly with your wife. She maybe feeling the same way.

Either way before you call it quits go to a marriage counselor and see if there's any chance at all to make your marriage work.

You don't want to look back years from now and wonder what if.

Answer 7

I am in a similar situation and it took us 4.5 years to figure it out. She cheated on me which ended the marriage. But after 3 months I realize we should never have been married and remained friends because thats all we really were to begin with.

Answer 8

I'm marrying my bestfriend but it's a different situation that yours because there are fireworks!! Hell there's burning buildings and forest fires!!! LOL. I would like to say as a Christian woman that if you pray, God will get you through it. I am divorced because I was married to a horrible man for 2 years. I was miserable for both years. I lived my life not myself. I had totally lost myself in those two years. It was horrible and miserable and I don't wish that on anyone. If you can't be yourself in your marriage then you need to get out of it. It seems like your marraige was "forced and arranged" as it is. Is she in love with you? It must be really hard for you going through the emotional roller coaster of being friends with this person, not wanting to hurt them, not wanting to hurt the families, not being able to be yourself, not being compatible with this person but being married to them. You need to think of YOU first. You can't love or please anyone if you don't love and can't please yourself. No one has to live with the woman or be married to her but YOU,so therefore, screw what anyone else says or thinks, it's all about YOU. BUT!!! If the woman is in love with you, be gentle, after all, this is still your bestfriend. I wish you luck and I hope you not only find happiness, but also yourself.

Answer 9

Firstly, to answer your first question - No,it is never wrong to marry your best friend. That makes for the perfect marrriage. Our husbands/wives should be our best friends. My husband is my best friend and no one in the world will ever replace Him!

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds very heartbreaking but I want you to know that there is hope.
You mentioned something very interesting and i quote"Kept hoping she would evolve into the peson I would be proud to call my wife". Sadly, we don't marry robots and we should never aim at wanting to change the other person or hope that they will change into something better.
Now, if I could make one statement(and please don't think I am attacking you) rather I want to help you.
Have you been that person she could honestly say that she is proud to call her husband? Remember, it takes two to make a marriage/relationship work. We simply don't marry a person and hope that they change into something we will love or could handle living with. We ourselves have to do the changing and evolving so that we can "be that special person for them".
I explained about Love to someone in another post.
Love is about giving, not receiving, but in the giving, Love is received(if you understand what I am saying).

Now, I am sorry that you felt pressured by family into marrying her. That's not good.

You mentioned you Loved her as a friend but were not "in love" with her. Love does grow and it does take time.
It is not something that just appears - you have to work at it.
When I met my husband, I wasn't instantly in love with him. He wasn't even my best friend. As time went by, I began to really love him and over time, I fell in Love with him but it didn't happen over night. That belongs to the soap operas and fantasy world.
Love grows. It is something that endures. It is about perservering with that person. Love is about giving.
I think you have the basis for a good marriage in that you are good friends.
2 years is not a long time!! I have been married nearly 10 years and I could say that the Love has grown each year - more so now than last year. I hope I am making sense.

Do you have any children from this marriage?
Every marriage is worth saving(maybe not violent ones) but the fact that you are good friends tells me that you do care for one another. Did you have premarital counselling? This always helps.
I am in love more so with my husband then on the day that I married him. Speak to an older couple about their love for one another and their marriage - was it all about fireworks? They will answer "NO!" There love grew into something spectacular.

Have you had any counselling? I would suggest that you do. It is a worthwhile investment.

I want you to try a few things.
I believe you can fall in love with your wife but it is going to take hard work on your behalf. You have to "woo" her all over again and I mean "date her". You may feel absolutely nothing for her at this present and may not feel anything during this experiment but you have to give it a go.
!) Go and get a nice haircut. Buy some nice new flattering clothes.
2) Pick a nice restaurant
3) Send her some flowers with a note attached saying that you are going to pick her up at home and take her out on a date.
4) Get dressed at someone's place(or at work) and tell your wife to be ready when you get home.
5) Go to your home and knock on the door and ask her out for dinner. Woo her all over again.
You may feel stupid and she may too and you may feel absolutely nothing but you need to put this into practice.
Do it more than once!!
Buy her something nice or treat her to a new hairstyle/makeup or clothing. Make her feel good about herself.
Plan outings/dates...........
Make her feel sexy............
Plan evenings away at nice motels(if you can afford it)
or go camping. Bring some romance back into your marriage, or, if it was never there, introduce it.
This is going to take some time but it is worth it.
I guarantee if you are both committed to this, you will fall in love.
Some marriage counselling will not go astray.
Keep us posted how it all goes...and I really wish you the best, I really do....I have seen too many marriages thrown away because of a lack of feeling, when it was always there, but just waiting to be lit. : )

Answer 10

It depends. You can accept that you made a commitment, respect that commitment and grow to appreciate what you have or you can do the popular thing and decide that you want a divorce.