Have we come to the end of the road??

Question

my husband and I have been married 25 yrs/5 kids/1 16 yr old still @ home.We have had soooo many family probems in the last two years we have neglected our relationship to the point of being strangers under 1 roof.I have asked him to go to couseling,he says he's not the problem and he loves me as much as he ever has.Neither one of us are EVER in a decent mood.We have sex about 2x a month. And right now our daughter who is 25 and has 2 kids of her own is living w/us. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders EVERY day. I feel that he is not supportive of our marriage and he takes US for granted because we have been together so long,he thinks we will never divorce. I feel so lonely all the time and I dont feel an emotional connection to him anymore,thats one reason for the sex thing. I do take several medications that could contribute to the sex drive thing but I still feel this huge gap between us,does anyone think that can be fixed??

Answer 1

It can be fixed. If you and him both want it to be. Maybe the reason there is a gap between you two is the fact of everyone living in that home. You're almost done raising your children. Your husband, I bet, wants it to be you two. Your life is yours. You give it to so many others. Two years has been a long enough time for your daughter and grandchildren to be living there. She is a big girl now and needs to understand you need a life too. That's mostly why you feel the wieght of the world on your shoulders. Perhaps the gap is your husband not wanting to deal with everyone living with you two. We all take things for granted. Your daughter takes you for granted as well. Open your eyes dear. I don't know you or enough of this to fully answer you Maam. Just from what I took of your words, you are going through enough. You have a lot of stress on you. You feel like you're the only trying to do something about it. You're the only one truely dealing with it. Loneliness is hard, espacially when you have someone there with you and you still feel lonely. I can't say what you should do, because I am not you. Only you can make that choice. I can only support you and offer an ear. I would recommend getting your daughter and her children out of your home so you can focus on you and your husbands relationship. It is hard to focus when there is so much pulling you in other directions. I hope you are able to concentrate and really get to the root of the issue for yourself. Don't listen to what other people say, they aren't the ones who have to live with the consequences of the actions. Listen to yourself. I don't think that will be possible if you are under so much pressure. Try if you can. Don't throw it away unless you know for sure it is useless. Take care Maam.

Answer 2

This is hard to do but it is GOOD advise...

When ever you feel like you are not getting enough, you probably need to be giving more.

You may not like it, it may be hard but it will work.

If you SHOW him you love him... in ways he understands, not ways you think he should understand, things will get better fast.

Men are not complicated give us enthusiastic sex, some respect and a sandwich and we will move the world for you.

I do not believe in counseling. mostly because it has become a venue to voice your anger and not really work on the problem. Lets face it, the problem is really just attitude. If you hold onto old grudges, keep score on who did what for who last, you can never get a fresh start.

You loved each other once, enough to marry each other and make each other the most important person in the world. You loved each other enough to have 5 kids together. Its the same person, martians didn't come down and haul him off. The qualities that attracted you to him are still there... they may be under a great big pile of dirty laundry but they are still there. The just need nurturing, and that is something he can't do, only you can.

For this marriage to work, the responsibility falls on you, the wife, that may suck but that is the way nature designed it. The wife / woman / mother dictated what the emotional life in the home will be like. Women are far more emotionally complex then men. Think about all of those relationship advice shows, 98% of the time the problem is with the mother, or the mother-in-law, or her long time girlfriend. You NEVER hear guys lamenting about the problems they are having with their buddies... it just doesn't happen.

So it is up to you. If you change your attitude to that of a loving wife that respects her husband, he will change into an adoring and attentive husband. And if you do it with enthusiasm and sincerity it will change in a matter of weeks if not days. You could have another 25 or 30 years.

I realize that this is a VERY long answer but I believe a marriage is worth the time.

Answer 3

Weel that's a hard one....You said that you've been married for 25 years right well then if you loved him that long without that many problems and your still together then I think you should stay with him. True it's going to be hard for a while but you r 16 year old will eventually finish high school and head off for college (hopefully) but if she doesn't that one man will soon come and find her and some time later take her off your hands. Now as for your other daughter and the two kids soon or later she will gain enough money and either rent a house or pay for an apartment. I'm sure she doesn't want her kids to think that their going to live with their grandmother and grandfather for ever. As for right now whenever you and your husband ever get into an argument just take your grandchildren out to a movie or something or something long enough to cool you down and get the argument of your mind. I mean just get out there and have some fun! Maybe even taking you and your husband out somewhere romantic will calm both of you down. It might be being in that what sounds to be like crowded house that's making you and your husband get in arguments.

Answer 4

If your husband thinks there is not a problem then you can't do much to fix this relationship if i were you i would go see a counsel alone it can't hurt and it will help some!!! then you need to start doing things for yourself like exercise or get your hair done you can go to a department store and they will do your makeup for free it will make you feel better about yourself!!!! i also have a 25 year old daughter who has four kids plus i have a 16 and 9 and 7 year old at home if your husband doesn't want to do things with you then you have to learn how to do on your own maybe he needs a Wake call a little jealousy goes along way good luck i will keep you in me prayers!!!

Answer 5

Don't throw in the towel after so long together. Just the fact that your husband said he loves you just as much now as he ever did says to me that maybe you yourself should go and seek counseling to try and figure out why you are feeling this way now. Make an effort to get closer to him. Make time for just the two of you to do things together. Have your older daughter take the 16 year old out with her and the kids to give you and your husband some alone time. Definitely check your meds and symptoms with your doctor. They could be playing a significant role in how you feel and you not even realize it. Marriage goes through stages, you may just be in a valley right now. Hang in there, seek counseling for how you are feeling now, keep your husband informed on how things are progressing with you and seek his support. If he loves you as much as he says he does, he will be there for you.
I hope it gets better. I know how difficult it can be.
Best wishes

Answer 6

only you and your hubby know for sure but you have to find a way to communicate with him that he will know just how serious you are about feeling alone. I can def. relate to the feeling but most times men just see our cries to communicate as some low decibel howling. They have heard it many times before and neglect to see the desperation in our words. You have to try another avenue of making him see what you are talking about without using the same ones that have failed previously. I would talk with someone that knows him pretty well and see what they think, if you have that available. If not, I would go to a counselor to make you feel better. If you feel better emotionally, your marriage will feel better to you. It could be that he doesn't think there is anything wrong and the problem lies in you. This may not be true but that is why he feels justified in not immediately responding. I hope this helps!

Answer 7

i know what you are going threw (except the older daughter part) i am sure your husband does love you very much and it sounds like you are both stressed out because of the kids still living at home..why not try to get away from everything for a weekend or so,leave all the kids at home and just the two of you take off, you can talk and share how you are both feeling and then start to repair your marriage. good luck

Answer 8

hi i was married to a man for 12 year and together 14 years. your problem is kinda what i went through. my ex and i parted two years ago. i left him,because we were strangers and i hated doing the arguing in front of the kids. yes, my emotional were all over the place at the time. i hated him so much i didn;t want him home. anyways i think you should time this . make arrangments and go away together. fine each other again. or just put your foot down and tell hime to grow up and talk you . good luck please let me know what you do. ok.

Answer 9

as long as the two of you are willing to work at it.....of course it can be fixed....maybe you need to get away together....away from your household responsibilities and only have each other to concentrate on....the other thing you can do is write down all the things that are concerning you and get him to do the same....there are no wrong or right answers just a way to let each other know what each others concerns are and then together you can work on them....dont give up....25years is a long time

Answer 10

Sounds to me that you need some regular time off to do things you really like to do, and maybe the same for him. Sometimes we start blaming the other person for not having the time to do things we want to do. You need an outlet, something that takes you away from the normal grind of life. I wish you luck!