Is It Okay For A Spouse To Bring Home Guests Without Talking To the Other?

Question

Okay - not an earth shattering problem, but it really annoyed me. Saturday afternoon, house a mess, I'm in sweatpants, no makeup and husband comes home from golf with a buddy. I'm embarassed about the mess, including dirty clothes on the bathroom floor and husband gives full tour of home. I was so angry and annoyed that I didn't get a heads-up that a guest was coming over. My husband thinks he didn't do anything wrong and won't apologize. It just seems that my feelings weren't considered. I'm thinking maybe I'm over-reacting to this?

Answer 1

Y'know, this was a tough one for my wife and me to work out. A big part of it is that it falls into the realm of Relationship Crap We Learn From TV.

You've seen it countless times: Men bring friends home without warning, and women freak out. It's been in zillions of sitcoms -- Ricky brings the boss home for dinner the night Lucy burned the duck; audience goes wild. Al brings his bowling partner over the night Peg has accidentally put indelible blue paint on her face instead of cold cream; hilarity ensues.

It's an overused, trite cliche for a cheesy situation comedy, but as a way to live your lives, it's deadly.

Here's why. Guys think -- and it sounds so plausible, so reasonable, so manly -- that it's THEIR house, and THEY shouldn't have to get "approval"-- especially from "the little woman" -- to bring THEIR friends to THEIR home.

Gals think -- and it also sounds so plausible, so reasonable, so considerate -- that it's THEIR house, and THEY shouldn't be forced to endure embarrassing "surprises" when their husbands bring STRANGERS in to see piles of underthings on the floor.

So here's the catch. You BOTH live there, and the thing that really IS reasonable, plausible, considerate, and grown-up, is for you two to work out what makes you BOTH happy. So you need to work out a system. If he wants to bring people home, cool -- but can he call you when he's leaving, if only to make sure you're not taking a bubble bath or vacuuming in the nude or something?

Why doesn't he just automatically do this? Because he's almost CERTAIN, from years of watching TV sitcoms and thinking they're a role model for relationships, to jump to the mistaken conclusion that this means he has to get your APPROVAL. And that's not what's going on at all. What finally did it for me was the realization that, fundamentally, I like my wife. Well, yeah, I mean I'm in love with her and all that, but I just really LIKE her, too. And when you like people, you think about making things easier for them. It's just common consideration for people you like.

So calling her to check in, or let her know where I was or that I'm inviting a friend over to have a cup of coffee or take a look at the Alfas or something, isn't about "permission," it isn't a cut on my manhood, it's me doing something nice for somebody I care about.

Point out to him that it gives you the opportunity to make sure you've got on an outfit that doesn't have holes in embarrassing locations. It gives you the opportunity to make sure that the evidence of last night's strip poker game is at least shoved into the closet. It lets you change your mind about meeting him at the door naked with a margarita.

And in this day and age, there's no excuse for not being able to call you -- if he doesn't have a cell phone, surely the buddy he's bringing home does, or the country club has a phone, or SOMETHING.

Oh, and as for the didn't-do-anything-wrong idea: tell your husband from me that every time I've thought I didn't do anything wrong, it's really just meant I was wrong TWICE.

...Now, it's your turn. Is it really so bad that the house is a mess? Your husband is bringing over a GUY -- will it bother him that your house is a mess? Will he notice you're not wearing makeup? Will he care that you're in sweats? (Unless there are holes in revealing locations, the answer is NO. If anything, he'll think you're cool for not caring about being seen in sweats without makeup, and he'll envy your husband for having a wife who's so laid-back.)

And, yeah, I know -- the issue isn't really that your house is in a mess and you're in sweats: those are just things you made up to justify being upset to your husband. What's really upsetting you is that he didn't give you a heads-up -- he didn't show you the common courtesy you deserve. So don't throw the sweats/dirty clothes/mess in his face -- just be calm and tell him that this (calling ahead to let you know he's coming) is the way you want him to treat you, and ask if he can do that. Got it?

Now, one thing -- you'll notice that in all the examples I've given so far, your husband and his buddy come over anyway. I'd imagine that 99% of the time, that's how it'll work out, because it sounds like you're not bothered that he brought a friend, you're bothered that he didn't give you the heads-up. Right?

But there are going to be legitimate times when it's NOT okay for him to bring a friend by. Maybe the carpets are being washed and nobody can walk on them. Maybe your sister is giving birth in the den. Maybe you've got his whole family over there working on a surprise party for him. Whatever the reason, you guys have to work out, in advance, how to make it clear that, no, it's really NOT a good time to bring Bob over after golf.

In the end, the three things you both need to remember are:

1 - Consideration. We show consideration for people we care about; it's not about getting permission or asking "the boss," it's about demonstrating we're thinking about the feelings of people in our lives.

2 - Communication. A quick call, in advance, lets you know what's about to happen. Doesn't mean you have to rush to make the whole place Martha-Stewart spotless, but you can at least put on a pair of sweats that don't have holes in the seat.

3 - Compromise. You BOTH have to give and take to make conflicting desires work. But only by being considerate enough to communicate can you work out a compromise that satisfies the needs of both of you.

Answer 2

Saturday afternoon hubby come home with a friend, NO BIG DEAL. Yes you are were embarrassed because the house was a mess. Apologize to the guest, for the mess and go on with what you were doing. If you were in the process of cleaning, he will see that and no big deal. It would only be a problem if that is how the house is all the time, but if not then yes you over reacted.

Answer 3

No, you are not. But let things cool off.
Then, after a while, when you can, sit down and lay some ground rules. Your husband may say that it shouldn't have been that messy. Maybe so. Did he make some of the mess?
If so, then maybe you can agree that you both spend time together, or take turns, to clean up and straighten up at regular intervals, so that the house is always presentable. Define presentable exactly.
A phone call is in order, but if the house is 95% okay,
it won't be a big deal.
That should be doable, right?

Answer 4

I would confirm with the bride first whether or not this is okay. Some brides would say, "The more, the merrier." but others would rather have a more intimate gathering with their own close friends and family only. I was at a bachelorette party for my bridesmaid's wedding last year and one of her friends brought a friend. It was horrible. None of us liked this girl she brought with her, and it turned out she was only 18 and had a fake ID to get into the clubs. We had to call her a fake name all night to go along with her fake ID. In this case, the bride was not happy that her friend brought a friend with her without asking first, Just ask before you bring someone. Chances are, it will be fine. But you don't want to guess wrong, bring a friend, and get dirty looks all night from everyone else for bringing along someone who was not invited.

Answer 5

I cant say that your over acting because you have only told us what your husband did here. I can say as a guy that your husband was being very inconsiderate, and that he showed you disrespect by doing this. It is improper for either a husband or a wife to bring someone into their home unannounced. Your husband did make a mistake and you are not wrong about that. Your reactions I can't say anything about, but if you are still ranting about it 2 or more days later I would have to say you are over reacting to it.

Answer 6

Very thoughtless. Especially in view of the fact that he didn't give you heads up about the tour he planned on giving. Tell him to at least give you the courtesy of a phone call.
Clean up the house. Have your husband invite that friend over on a weekend when he plans to play golf with that guy again. They can have a nice brunch at your home and then they can go play golf or you can plan on having him over after golf and have dinner or coctails and tapas in your immaculate home.

Answer 7

I'd be furious and embarrassed too. Nowadays, everyone has a cell phone, teach him how to use it! He could call as soon as he knows someone is coming over. Then you can do a quick tidy and change your clothes. Other than that, try to keep the house cleaner. Or get a maid. Tell him you're going to have to hire some help since he's becomming such a socialite.

Answer 8

Your not overreacting I would get upset too. Maybe instead of waiting for an apology you guys can sit down and talk about what happened and have an agreement. That way his male ego won't get
affected. I think he reacted like that cause he wanted to be "THE MAN" of the house and apologizing would have taken that away.

Answer 9

I'm with you. At least he should have called from the course and said he was bringing a buddy over.

But - you know what? If he doesn't have any pride in his home and doesn't care what it looks like when company comes -maybe let it go. You can clean up when you have company.

Answer 10

I would be annoyed too. My husband has a habit of telling me things at the last minute and it gets irritating, especially when it comes to guests coming over. I know that men's mentality isn't the same as ours but since we are their other half, they should at least give us consideration when it comes to these types of matters.

Answer 11

well think of it this way. Guys really don't care for the most part if things are tidy, or that his friends g/f or wife doesn't look 100%. For one thing that is off limits, and don't give a damn about what his friend thinks anyway. Try to look at it from guys point of view. you are seeing it as a women.