I don't get his reasoning?!?!?!?

Question

I have caught my husband on more than one occasion lying to me. The first two times, it was little things - he'd been chewing tobacco (yuck!) behind my back since we met and he'd gone to a strip club with his friends...whatever. I was more upset by his "reasoning". He lied because "he knew I would be mad and get crazy." In my opinion, if you are doing something that will make your wife mad, you shouldn't do it. A few months ago, I caught him having secret conversations with a woman he used to date...not just every now and then, they were talking about 4-5 hours a day (with about 8 seperate calls); and they'd only talk when I wasn't around. He lied about it continuously until I pulled our $450.00 phone records. That's ended (as far as I'm told - I can't get past it though) but now I catch him lying to me again about how he's been in contact with one of his (guy) friends. What should I do? I get so mad but is it warranted? I think so. But, am I making it too huge? He says yes

Answer 1

If it's huge enough for him to lie about, it's OK for you to be upset about it! If he hadn't done anything wrong he wouldn't lie, he wouldn't hide things and go behind your back. That tells me that he knows he is doing something wrong and does it anyway. That also shows that he has little or no respect for you. I would say give him an ultimatum... either he is honest with you or he has to go. You don't even really have to do that, but it's up to you. I guess if I were you I wouldn't care if he was in contact with guy friends, but if he's spending that much time talking to an ex it means he still has feelings for her and may have been (or still be) cheating on you with her. If you still want to work on your relationship, get counseling with him. It IS a big deal and he has no right to discount your feelings the way you say he does. If he doesn't respect you, you wont change or fix him. But if you get marriage counseling, you'll have the best chance of getting through this. Sorry and good luck.

Answer 2

Are u upset because he lies? are u upset because he may be cheating? First of all before u married him. I'm pretty sure u knew he would lie? Second have u never lied to him(honesty)? Are u a drama queen? Do u try to be his mother?Ask yourself those questions. If so that's why he lies I'm not saying it right, but that's the reason. Now the phone calls must stop. So if he has stop talking to that person. Honey leave it alone. If you love him, and want your marriage forget about it. The lying I truly believe u was aware of that before u said I do. So u r going to have a serious talk with ur man, and let him know the lies must come to an end. That ur losing or have lost all trust in him. If it continue. You need to love him for the lier he is or move on. I can tell this everyone lies about something.

Answer 3

Your husband likes to chew tobacco, talk to other women on the phone, go to strip clubs, and so on. And it looks like he isn't going to stop doing these things just because he is married to you. You need to have a serious conversation with him. Why can't he talk to his guy friends or chew tobacco if he wants to? Or go to strip clubs, if that's his thing. You might like to draw the line at the phone calls but you've got to allow him some freedom to be himself. Getting mad will not change him. It will just force him to do these things in secret, and you don't want that. You need to calm down and realize that he is an independent individual with needs of his own. Let him off the leash a little and you'll both be much happier.

Answer 4

Nope you're not making it too big. He's cheating on you. A person doesn't have to have physical contact to cheat on you. They can cheat on you emotionally as well. That's exactly what he's been doing. I'd suspect more though. I feel bad if you have kids. If you don't have kids, run like hell. This man will never change. He wont know what he had til you're gone. He's lying to you also about not contacting her anymore. He's just found another way to do it. If you stay with him then you have no right to complain in the future if he lies. You already know he's going to do it. You can't change him.

Answer 5

I hate it when men are to stubborn to care about there wife's feelings on some matters. You need to sit down and have a long talk...don't give up on your marriage. Work it out and do whatever you can to make things better. But if he is not willing to meet you half way then there is nothing you can do to save it. Move on and learn from it.

Answer 6

You have every right to be upset about this. I was married to a man who lied to me constantly. He wound up cheating on me several times. Needless to say, we are not together anymore. I am not telling you to get a divorce. I am a Christian, and believe that marriage is sacred, but my ex did not want to try to make it work and was very physically abusive. So, I wound up leaving to save my life. Maybe you should seek some counseling, to help you sort through this. I know it sounds extreem, but it could save you marriage.

Answer 7

Maybe he doesn't see anything wrong here.. However he won't because he is the guilty one. When men start lying & hiding things & not telling their wives.. They are usually up to no good & figure that they are good to go until they get caught. If you want to try to save your marriage, I would suggest some marriage counseling. You should ask Hubby how he would feel if you did the same to him.. I am sure he wouldn't be so laxed about it all.

Answer 8

I agree, that is a lame excuse he gave u. Unfortunately he sounds like a habitual liar as he lies about even the little things so who's to say he isn't lying about bigger, more important issues? I don't know if u can do anything about it yourself as it sounds like he needs professional help for his compulsive lying.

Answer 9

Honesty is a bedrock of a relationship, I think. Fine if he lied, then eventually came clean, but you clearly have a pattern of dishonesty, especially talking with an ex. You deserve better. Honest (even if not perfectly) is a pretty low clip level in a man.

Answer 10

since he has been caught he will be more careful the next time. he has done several things, that raise red flags, strip clubs, conversations with other women, he is being so disrespectful to you, and sometimes we are in denial, don't know if we just don't want to see the bad, or if we can't see it. they use to want to please us, and do right, but once someone else is in our marriage and life, they don't try anymore, it is as if they no longer care to please us. almost like they are right on the verge of just walking out on us, they no longer talk to us, it just isn't like it use to be. i would save my money and be prepared for the worst outcome. looks as if he is going to do whatever he likes, even if u don't like it. he will just move on to someone else who for a time will put up with these things.