We've been together almost 12 years, married almost 7. We have 4 schoolage children. He has a horrible gambling problem. At times has spent entire paycheck @ casinos (all of our bill money). He has tried Gambler's Annonymous, and counseling. Counseling not going so well due to job schedule. Since the BIG fight about the gambling/debts he's been very loving/affectionat, but I sometimes feel like I should just divorce him and get it over with. Other times I feel like he IS trying and I'm hoping for the best. I'm afraid he'll just end up (sooner or later) gambling again, which will force me to leave him (its been on-going for 3 yrs.). I'm looking at inflicting more pain on our entire family by giving it more time, or cut our losses and end it all now, so we can ALL recover and move on. HELP!!!
2006-11-04 10:22:45 · 18 answers · asked by meggamom6 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well... that's a bad addiction, especially when he has a family to take care of. Getting mad at him for spending the paycheck gambling instead of paying the bills isn't going to make him stop, it will only make your problems increase. You two have been together a long time and now 4 kids are involved. No, I'd say not a divorce, but maybe consider discussing with him a mutual agreed separation. You stay where you're living because you have the kids. He moves to other accommodations until he honestly gets his s--- together. This might mean you'll have to go to work to takeover household expenses, because he just might continue spending his whole paycheck in the casino. Hopefully he'll think of his children and give you part of his paycheck for support. But, him being on his own will give him more time to think about where his life is going due to gambling, what he's risking to lose (his family) if he doesn't quit gambling, because if he can't straighten up his act, the separation will become permanent. He'll not have you & the kids to come home to, he'll be cooking his own meals, doing his own laundry, etc.
I feel that if you just remain in the situation the way it is now it'll be too much stress on you and the kids. You'll end up a nervous wreck and become a co-dependant.
I feel for you and I honestly hope things work out well for you guys. You're in my prayers.
P.S. Don't they have group meetings for addict's spouses to understand the addiction and also help yourself thru it all?
2006-11-04 12:07:08 · answer #1 · answered by Iwannano 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To protect your kids and any financial security you might have, you are better off leaving, and doing with the help of a lawyer so that you are minimally affected by the debts he's amassed/amassing.
You have nothing to feel guilty about - you have done everything you possibly could. HE HAS ALREADY BROKEN HIS COMMITMENT BY NOT PUTTING YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN FIRST. I had to leave an alcoholic when our son was almost 5 - it was very difficult, but that was 10 years ago, and I know it was the right choice.
In a best case scenario, he will recognize how serious the problem is, and really dedicate himself to getting well so that he can be the father and role model that your children deserve. And possibly the two of you could remarry if he does truly correct his addiction. But don't get your hopes too high. Focus on the present moment, and doing what you have to do for the kids and yourself.
In the worse case scenario, he continues in denial and digs himself a deeper hole - but at least you and the kids will have some distance from it. No matter what, make sure the kids are getting the support they need, whether through a group for kids whose parents are divorcing or through private counseling.
I wish you all the best.
2006-11-04 10:39:06 · answer #2 · answered by HearKat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you tried family counseling? Yes he has a problem but he needs support from you and the family to stay away from the gambling and you need to know how to help him. Anyone married to an addict that is trying to stay straight needs to get counseling on how to be supportive.If you involve the kids in the counseling then they can understand better and be able to cope with the seperation or the situation at home with their dad.At least he is trying and that is huge.Also if you cut your losses and leave the kids could grow up to resent you for leaving theor dad when he was trying and he needed you the most.It is a tough situation but you have to follow your heart and do what you feel is best for you.Good Luck
2006-11-04 10:39:11 · answer #3 · answered by Red 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take him down to a homeless shelter and the 2 of you volunteer to serve food for the day.
Then after a few hours ask him if he wants you and the four children eating from this line. If the gambling does not stop it could be your family waiting in that very line 3 times a day and sleeping in the streets.
Best of luck to you. It is an addiction, but any addiction can be fixed with a proper attitude adjustment and reality check.
2006-11-04 10:29:03 · answer #4 · answered by scott in minnesota 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's hard to divorce over the speculation that he MIGHT gamble again. I know it's frustrating to always live in fear that he will, but with four kids, all in school, it will not be easy alone either. I would watch him like a hawk, for any sign that he has started again...and I would tell him that I was watching him, too. If he bets on anything, I'd pack up the kids and leave then. Give him the benefit of the doubt first!
2006-11-04 10:35:15 · answer #5 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry that you are going through this. It is very clear that you love your husband and children. That's why I suggest you give your marriage one more try. Frist, separate your fiances to insure that the bills get paid and the needs of the family are met. Since counseling is not working, discuss your feelings with your husband and your desire to leave if his behavior does not change. File for legal separation, if he continues to gamble. If that doesn't work, then file for divorce. during the separation. I wish you well. Take care of yourself and your children.
2006-11-04 10:42:12 · answer #6 · answered by msladykm 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't go thru life wondering and waiting for him to fall off the wagon again. What kind of a life is that? Say buh bye now rather than later and tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out. That kind of man is not a good example or roll model to anyone, let alone your 4 children.
2006-11-04 20:24:31 · answer #7 · answered by Das 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seems like you love him and he is trying have him give you complete control over the money take all the cards from him. Have his paycheck direct deposited into an account that he cant drawl from. Then give him allowance men do it all the times to wifes who shop to much. If he is willing to do this for you to show that he wants to get better I say stay. If he wont it might better to get out now before he puts you further in debt.
2006-11-04 10:30:09 · answer #8 · answered by d2347 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tough spot. I would suggest professional relationship counseling. Marriage is for better or worse, and divorce is a big deal, especially for the sake of your children...I mean do you really know anyone from a divorced family who isnt at least a little messed up?
2006-11-04 10:32:13 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
if you love him then help him take his paychecks talk to him and get him to agree he has a problem you can get him to give you his paychecks and manage his bills, etc. dont leave him because when you are addicted to something you cant help it he is not trying to hurt you or ruin everything you guys have worked hard for help him and try to make a resalution to this im sure he knows he has a problem and im sure he does not like the fact that he is doign this so im sure he will agree to you helping him manage things good luck if that doesnt work then you ahve no chioce to leave him but hopefully it wont come to that
2006-11-04 10:45:58 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋