What would you do????

Question

I spend every day with my husband. Today I went out with a friend of mine and her boyfriend who is also my husband's friend. We saw another friend of ours who is a girl. She just moved into a new apartment and asked if we'd like to come over for a little house warming party. My friend's boyfriend asked me to ask my husband to come so he wouldn't be the only guy there. So when I get home I told him what my friends boyfriend said. He looked at me and said, "What makes you think I'm going to let YOU go." I feel so miserable and I don't know why he's being this way. It's like he doesn't want me to have a life. What should I do?

Answer 1

This is all about control, a control that he doesn't have over you. It sounds to me like you need to get out more and do more on your own and maybe not spend every waking moment with him. It's a great idea to have "his, her and our" interests. That way you don't become co-dependent, and you maintain your own interests. No one is interested in absolutely everything someone else is interested in, and that's okay.

This is just a housewarming. It's not an orgy or a keg party. It's a party where grownups stand around, admire someone's new abode, say nice things, maybe play some games, have some wine and cheese and crackers, and talk and visit. This doesn't sound like a big deal to me.

But jealousy and insecurity are the real issues here, and control is just the mask. You need to establish yourself as independent, capable of taking care of yourself, but leave room for healthy inter-dependence.

Tell your husband that it's not up to him to decide. It's up to you to decide what you want to do. Tell him he's trying to control you, and that you're not going to put up with it. And then go to the party, with or without him, and have fun.

I was married to a man like this, and he never controlled me. I always did exactly what I wanted to do, and took great perverse pleasure in frustrating him every time he tried to control me. He never gave in and I didn't either, and I developed an IRON will. He also knew better than to lay a hand on me, because he knew I would kill him and gladly do the time, too.

So assert yourself. Get some hobbies and interests. Do your own thing. Read up on co-dependence, and see where you fall on that spectrum. If you are co-dependent, read books and research online to see how you can regain your true independence and gain some healthy inter-dependence. It's not difficult; it just takes clear sight, some perspective and some objectivity.

I'd suggest that you go to marriage counseling, even if you have to go alone. My ex-husband never wanted to admit that there was any problem at all, so my solution was easy: not a question of if I should leave, just when. Be prepared that your marriage may hit some rocky places as you assert yourself and gain some independence. And remember, know the signs of emotional and verbal abuse:

Warning Signs: Are you in an unsafe relationship?



Warning Signs of physical abuse, emotional abuse, dating violence & sexual harassment.Usually, abuse in relationships doesn't just come out of
nowhere. Often, there are many warning signs that indicate the potential for violence.

To help determine if you are in an abusive relationship, check out these warning signs...

You may be headed for danger if you date someone who:

* Tries to isolate you from friends and family.
* Does not want you to spend time with anybody else.
* Hits, punches, kicks or shoves you. Or, threatens to hurt you in any way.
* Is extremely jealous.
* Gets mad when you talk to other people.
* Is possessive. Treats you like a belonging and does not want you to share your time with other people.
* Is controlling. Insists that you call to "check in" or ask permission to do things.
* Tries to control what you wear, what you do and how you act.
* Scares you. Makes you worry about reactions to things you say or do.
* Behaves violently. Owns weapons and threatens to use them.
* Has a history of fighting, loses temper quickly, has hurt animals or other people.
* Is emotionally abusive. Puts you down, calls you names, tells you you are nothing without him/her.
* Makes all the decisions in the relationship. Does not care about your thoughts and feelings.
* Abuses alcohol or drugs and pressures you to take them.
* Won't accept breaking up. Threatens to hurt you, or him/herself if you break up.
* Stalks you after you've tried to break if off.

If you experience any of these warning signs in your relationship, you may be a victim of dating violence. To get help, tell someone you trust: your parents, a friend, counselor, clergy member, etc. Remember that you are not alone and that the abuse is not your fault.

Cheers, I hope this helps. -- K, divorced from the small, petty, insecure control-freak, now happily married to a secure, confident man who is my soulmate, and who obviously has no need to control others!

Answer 2

I do not know how long you have been married but your sounds like a controlling prick I would ask him what he's going to do about it that you have a life and that you were asking him as a favor to a friend and to include him. This sounds almost a precursor to someone being abusive the control starts then if the women rebels they start hitting don't be stupid if this sounds at all like it could be true I would end the marriage because if he was acting like this now it will just get worse then think if you have kids do you want them around an abusive man learning his nasty habits. I do believe you are with an abuser get out while you can. I hope this clarifies some stuff for you. God Bless and may you stay safe if need be stay with a friend if you choose to leave him staying in the same house could end up being fatal!

Answer 3

I would go!!!

Tell him that you asked him to come along. And that you could have lied and not said nothing at all to him.

But because you love and respect him you asked.

Tell him how you feel about him but throw in that you need to socialize with your friends on occasions so you don't go nuts.

Think back to a time when he wanted to do something that you didn't want him to do. Did he do it?

If so throw that up in his face.

I'm sure he comes and goes as he pleases. So why can't you? A marriage is 50/50.

I would go and if he gets mad he gets mad. He will eventually get over it.

Tell him how badly you want him to go. Tell him how important it is to see your friends new place and how important it is to her.

Ask him if the shoes were reversed and it was his friend getting the new place if he wouldn't go? Ask how he would feel if you told him what makes you think I'm going to let YOU go?

He wouldn't like you saying that to him. Just because you are married doesn't mean that you can't go do things separate once in a while.

We all need time away once in a while that is what keeps us sane and helps us to appreciate what we have at home more.


Honestly go. If he doesn't come then that is his loss. He will get over being upset eventually.

You need to show that you are independent to some degree. If you start letting him control you like that it will only get worse and before to long you won't have any independance at all.

He will control everthing about you who your friends are,if he will let you have any at all,when you leave if you leave, etc.

If he really loves you then he will accept some degree of independance from you. He would want you to have that.

I really hope you go. Good Luck

Answer 4

First, you don't need his permission to go anywhere. But having said that, the reason people marry (one reason) is to be with their best friend. So maybe he felt very left out of this situation.

Sit him down and work on a solution. Ask him why he acted that way and what he would like you to do; never be with friends, be with friends a day a week - get an idea of what he expects, then you can say what you would like to do and reach a compromise.

Answer 5

Has this ever happened before? Because if it's the first time, he may just be in a really bad mood. I'm convinced that guys have "that time of the month" too.

But if this is part of a pattern of improperly possessive behavior, it's time to have some serious discussions w/ him about why he's acting this way. He may be suffering from depression & one of the symptoms is antisocial behavior, or he wrongly suspects you of something.

Whatever the reason, tho, you 2 owe it to yourselves to get to the bottom of it so that you can have a happy marriage. Best to you both! :)

Answer 6

wow- if he was serious, then you really need to watch out. I had a best friend who I didn't get to talk to for several years because she married a man who would dictate what she could do when. Seeing me was not allowed. He controlled everywhere she went, everything she did, and everyone she could talk too. Finally when he started beating on her she got out....and she is soooooo much better today! Please don't let this happen to you. Sit yourself down and evaluate what is going on!
Good luck!

Answer 7

Reconsider...and talk with him about it at a later date. If you attempt to understand his reason(s) right now he will become extremely defensive, and you will not be able to determine the real issue here because it is not about you going to a simple house warming party. I would bet that there is a deeper, issue that is troubling your husband. Talk with him when he is calmer, and ready to state his true feelings.

Answer 8

You are not a lapdog or child. You can ask his opinion. You don't need to ask permission. Do not tolerate the behavior now or ever.Start spending less time with him-you need some separate interests. He needs to grow up.
Stay strong!

Answer 9

Ask him to go again, and then go on your own. A marriage is a give and take, and neither of you should be "letting" or not letting the other one go anywhere. He can certainly make a suggestion, but you make the decision!

Answer 10

Ouch!!! Watch this guy's behavior closely. He may become controlling or abusive, and it appears he is going down that path. Some red flags to watch for include obsessing over your whereabouts, jealousy, and getting upset whenever you do anything without him.