How do I maintain a marriage between 2 people with very different sex drives?

Question

My wife and I have 2 very different sex drives. She has almost no drive due to a hormonal ondition. I on the other hand have a very strong drive. It has gotten a lot worse since we got married a few years ago. I know it is not her fault but I have a hard time getting through my day sometimes because I feel so physically frustrated. I make a lot of sexual suggestions during the day and usually get turned down. Sex for her is like a chore. We used to do it for hours before we got married. I am sooooo frustrated that I do not know what to do. How can I continue to live like this? There is so much missing in hte marriage now. It is making me "cranky" around her which does not help the situation. I try my best to control what I say and do when I am frustrated. I usually end up having a few drinks to calm me down when she turns me down or just goes to sleep. What am I supposed to do?

Answer 1

This is such a common problem and am starting to think that women use sex as a tool to trap their man into marriage, then when they have got them, they withdraw the sex. Why is sex a chore for her? I dont understand it. Its like eating ice cream, its enjoyable, why would I stop eating ice cream. She obviously does not enjoy sex, probably never has, just used it as a way to get what she wanted. It may sound cruel, but it happens far too often for it not to be a consideration. Have you tried romancing her, taking her out to dinner...do all the things you used to do when you were dating? If she is totally not interested, then you really need to tell her in no uncertain terms that if she cannot or will not meet your needs then you will have no option but to find it elsewhere. There are two people in this relationship and your feelings are just as important as hers. She needs to understand this. If it is a hormonal problem then there are therapies to improve it. I believe personally hormonal problems are used a lot of times as an excuse not to have sex. Its a great cop-out and makes the man feel guilty when he wants the intimacy and she doesnt. I know lots of women who still enjoy a wonderful sex life and they have been through menopause. I am actually looking forward to menopause because I can enjoy a sex life without the prospect of getting pregnant. I think it has a lot to do with the way a person thinks....sure there are problems with hormones for some people, but it can be fixed, so dont let her use that as an excuse for not being interested in sex. It goes deeper than that. You both need some help...suggest marriage counselling, maybe just the suggestion will make her realise there is a problem.

Good luck, you are going to need it. But, more than luck, you need to be more assertive and make your point much clearer than you have been doing. Maybe shock her into action. You dont have to be pushed to the background. Push yourself forward and make yourself be heard.

Answer 2

I've been in a similar situation - my wife has had hormone treatment due to a medical condition

We argue and fight (not violence) but at the end of the day we are still each others best friend. If your marriage is strong enough you will get through

Marriage is not only about sex - it's about the love you have for one another

If you need to have the need to 'get off' then buy a magazine and do it on your own. Rejection is never welcome when it comes from the one you have committed your life to but you have to see things from their point of view sometimes no matter how crazy it is.

Lets face it men will NEVER understand women.

Just ride the storm and with hopefully you will both get out the other side.

Answer 3

There is a middle ground between loads of random sex and complete abstinence until marriage. You can still have meaningful sex with only the people you care about and are in a committed relationship with and NOT wait for marriage. I also don't think it's about patience - there's nothing particularly virtuous about 'saving yourself', it's just an easier rule to follow than 'choose carefully who you sleep with'. I'm extremely glad that both my husband and I had other partners before we got married, not only am I sure that he's the right one (I know what else is out there), I'm also very glad that our wedding night wasn't the fumbling awkwardness of virgin sex - knowing what we were doing didn't make it any less special!

Answer 4

Your wife may want to ask her doctor for treatment concerning her condition. There are a lot of options now that were not available before.
You ever watch adult movies together? Buy adult toys or lotions? Ask her what her fantasies are and see if you can do something to fulfill them...I know you are being very patient but sometimes it takes a lil creative thinking to get the other person interested. If it does not work do not be discouraged, keep trying and telling her that you love her more than anyone in the whole world and want to be with her and show her how much you love her.

Answer 5

First off ask her why she does not want to have sex. Hormones can be treated and should have if she wanted to. However if she has not makes me think she just does not want to have sex with you. Are you trying romance,dates flowers etc.. Unless you feel you can live with a sexless marriage and some do have a serious discussion with your wife and get to the bottom of this. Good Luck

Answer 6

Let her know how much you love her and want to be with her intimately but that you respect the fact that she doesn't feel up to it. See if she is receptive to you and her watching adult movies together and you "doing your own thing". It may offend her but it may also make her feel relieved of pressure. Make sure she knows that she is your #1 choice and that cheating is not an option, your suggestion is just a way of trying to find a good happy medium.

Answer 7

You just have to some how communicate the importance of how you feel. You have to be stong. Communicate to her and and don't misplace anger. Is she getting treatment for her condition. May be she is angry and with holding.

Answer 8

im sorry to hear your problem. you oviously love this woman and want to make love to her regularly but she cant. it sounds like you two have to do alot of compromising...(as in almost all relationships) about something or another. I understand where you are coming from, along with so many other women and men that dont match up sexually with thier partners. Im 23 and my husband is 35. My sex drive is crazy compared to his. And i get turned down alot too. Its normal though, and im used to it. At first i was more on the selfish side and would get angry, bitter, even revengful. I have cheated on him 3 different times and had to admit to it and he forgave me. It was hard, because i was going after what i thought i needed and finding only heart ache brought on by myself in the end. It wasnt worth it to cheat. Even if he doesnt give it to me as much as i want on a daily basis, or as long as i want it, theres still alot of love and closeness there that cant be found just anywhere. Its extra hard on our relationship if we ever fight though, because thats the first thing that pops into my head. The fact that maybe he cannot satisfy me in any way what so ever....which is a lie...just angry thoughts. Like i said, it can turn you bitter. But dont let it. Sex is over rated anyways. Even if you found the perfect woman that would have sex with you every night and day all you wanted would she be everything you need in other ways of the relationship? would her sex drive be more than yours and would she cheat? would you miss just holding and kissing the woman you have now? would you miss your talks and your friendship and closeness? The answer is yes you would, or you would have done left her by now. You two will eventually grow old and be unable to have sex together anyways,.....whats the big deal over it now.....sex can ruin alot of relationships instead of make them better.....at least you have something alot more special to hold on to and make better.....work on your relationship and put the sex on the back burner for now. learn how to enjoy her company in all the other ways she has to offer....really get to know her, really get to know yourself, and really listen to her, really feel her when you touch her.....love her, and the sex will just be something extra when you do get to make love to her....not the most important thing. When you get sexually frustrated, talk to her about it and let her know you need some "alone man time" to watch some porn movies or something. Theres so many other ways to release your sexual tension....but still connect with your wife on a loving cuddling, kissing, hugging, squeezing level as well to feel that bond and that closeness. Ask her to try some hormone replacement pills for her sex drive...they help alot. also buy her sexy toys and clothes to turn herself on with.....videos, candy, dildos, etc.....romance her too....cook dinner for her and have some wine together....wine and sushi, or oysters are a natural way of making oneself horny too. turn her on mentally and you have her physically. you can help her with her problem.....but mainly you have to have a talk with yourself and ask yourself if shes worth it.....if you really love her, then you already know the answer.
good luck.

Answer 9

Perhaps you both should go for either sexual or martial counselling. They may be able to suggest a compromise that is agreeable to you both.

Answer 10

You may never change her attitude . The only thing you can really change is your attitude in how you deal with it.