My wife says that she has lost all feelings of sexual desire She is 43 and we have been married for 19 years and am sure that she is not unfaithful What has me very worried is that she doesn't see this as a problem. She says that the problem is all with me and that I should accept this as a natural condition of growing older. I have said that I don't think that our being in our mid 40s is all that old and that I still want her physically. She says that she has grown beyond the need for physical gratification and that once a couple has all the children that they are going to have, we have two kids ages 7 and 13, a husband and wife's relationship should grow into something like brother and sister. We had a wonderful sexual relationship up until a few years ago when this began. I am not going to leave her, I gave my word on that when we got married and I take that stuff seriously She isn't intersted in seeing a counsler, she says there isn't a problem. Has anyone else faced this?
2006-11-04 08:41:27 · 32 answers · asked by MEL 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Assuming that u both have a good relationship outside of the bedroom..i.e....no stressful situation or depression, then the problem might be physical as opposed to psychological. It may be related to her hormones (estrogen) because she is nearing menopause stage. Obviously not all women will have this problem but if her sex drive was good before all this happened then something is up.
I know u said she doesn't want to see a counselor but u need to speak to her regarding this issue as your sex drives are now incompatible with each other. I am inclined to agree with her on the aging process thing...like I said, it may have something to do with her shifting hormones.
2006-11-04 08:59:03 · answer #1 · answered by cheetah7 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You could be writing our story.
My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years,
I love him, but we have the same problem as you're describing. Our kids are older, but not that much older.
I don't know what's wrong, but if I had to say one word, it would be "tired'. Not in the physical sense, but I'm just tired.
We are under a lot of stress from outside forces right now too, and it isn't helping any. All we ever talk about is either problems or "the kids this, the kids that...." We never go out. We have no social life.
I am having my needs met by having created a circle of close friends and attending social events independently of him. Also I have gone back to school. Otherwise I could sit on this couch until the upholstery pattern was permanently embedded in my rear end and I don't think it would matter as long as I was home when he's home.
I also will be very glad when our youngest goes to school, because I feel like we've never had any privacy. Maybe this is part of the problem.
I don't see us as "brother and sister", but I'm glad he doesn't push me for sex, because I really have no desire for it.
It's sad, and I don't have any answers, but thank you for posting this, and I hope we both find solutions.
2006-11-04 09:27:31 · answer #2 · answered by sparticle 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is right about the aging process for women depleting that desire. I've been told that by my own doctor. She is not, however, accurate about the way your relationship should change. You do need to be more understanding (it isn't about you, she wouldn't want any man). Not that it has to stop completely by any stretch. There are methods that can help, and she probably should make sure through her doctor that she's not starting menopause or that she doesn't have some other imbalance that might be at work here.
The doctor told me sometimes you just have to do it and take one for the team and sometimes you'll be surprised once you get started you're more into it than you thought at first. And he's right to an extent. But man, I didn't like being nagged about it either. It needs to be her choice too. If she expects you to play the role of a sibling, she's lost it, and you need to both see someone so she can have a professional's advice on the matter. Hope this helps!
2006-11-04 08:53:57 · answer #3 · answered by Chris 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Most women need an emotional intimate connection with their husbands in order to feel desire for physical intimacy. Is this lacking in your marriage? If so, this could explain it, and could be fixed with some work.
On the other hand, if the emotional connection is great in the marriage, and this is the only problem it sounds like it could be a hormonal condition. If so, your wife needs to see a doctor and get this under control, not only to increase her interest in sex, but for her health.
Women are at risk for diseases, cancer and depression when their hormones are not leveled.
However it is a bit concerning that she desire more of a brother/sister relationship - this sounds more like she has mentally and emotionally checked out of the marriage.
I hope you and your wife can work through this issue, be patient and kind with her. Don't address these concerns in the bedroom, save it for a more neutral time and place.
It is obvious by your question and the way you asked it that you love your wife and honor your commitment. That in itself is commendable! Stay strong and please don't listen to the answers that tell you to have an affair to get your wife's attention - This is so wrong and will only make things worse!
2006-11-04 09:35:38 · answer #4 · answered by Cjs 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like she just doesn't want sex. Has she been checked physically? Or has she had any physical problems? Could be hormones also. Some women just don't desire sex. I think counseling is a good idea. If she won't go, maybe u could go alone and see what they say. Average couple I do not think go totally without sex. Some want alot, some want a little. Yet if she loves you there needs to be some kind of compromise. Has she gained weight? That causes a woman to NOT feel attractive. Good luck!
2006-11-04 11:29:37 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good to know that you take your vows seriously. But since your own wife told you that the relationship has to evolve into a brother sister kind of thing, I can only say that brothers and sisters eventually move on with their lives.
Seems to me that alternative options (counselling) are also closed to you. It is now you'll have to decide which is more important. Stick to your vows and live an unhappy marriage due to lack of sex with your own woman, or break your vows to find a partner that satisfies you in all aspects.
We always hear the proclaimed 'intelligent' people saying that sex is not the most important thing in an intimate relationship, I say that is bullshit and everybody knows it. You didn't just marry your wife to end up as brother and sister, if that was the case you'd probably not even marry her. Best advice however is for you to try harder with the counselling business because her argument definitely sounds very odd. And trust me you don't want to be the one getting the short end of the stick on this one.
Good luck
2006-11-04 09:08:16 · answer #6 · answered by Avillo 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Sex is a way for partners to show intimacy. And in a marriage, your spouse comes first, even though most of this country has it backwards and puts the kids first. If sex is important to you and you've expressed this to her, then she is not meeting your needs and you BOTH have a problem. If she refuses to go to counseling, then go alone. Her intimacy needs are being met somewhere else (and I'm not meaning an affair), either the kids, or friends, etc. A counselor can help you at least sort that out and open the lines of communication back up with her. Good Luck to the both of you!
2006-11-04 08:47:48 · answer #7 · answered by SoCalBeachGal 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I feel that way now, and I'm 27 years old. my husband is 44. We started out wild, then with work, children, stress, life, bills, did I say stress!! This is a huge factor in alot of marriages, you start out for a while like to hot cakes on a tin roof then poof. Its gone. perhaps she is just WORE OUT! That is my problem, and I wish I could get up the strength to keep my husband happy in that way. There is nothing that i can personal think of that will help that over stressed feeling go away until we are caught up on bills and all the other things that we brought upon ourselves. Just give her time, have her take a trip to the spa, or get a message, anything to relax her. Make her feel like a queen (all the time) and just love her no matter what. It's a hard life that we all have to deal with. Just pray that everything is ok witht he both of you! and live like there may not be a tommorow! God Bless
2006-11-04 08:57:11 · answer #8 · answered by Hotonic 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I used to know a doctor in the past. He was a jack of all trades. I learnt about the aides when no once else talked about. He was well conversant with the latest happening in the medical world. He said he'll stay away from women about 43 years to 65 years old. His formula 10 years before and 10 years after the age the menopause is likely to strike. your wife is probably suffering from menopause symtoms. Does she smoke? Smoke will make woman make menopause prone. I.e. the women experience menopause symptoms although they are not having menopause. This is how it is. You have higher sexual apetite. Your wife has lost her sexual apetite. If you did not have a woman you'll follow that doctors advice and stay away from the woen in your wife's age group. But you can't stay away from your wife. So the best you can do is to accept the situation and make the best out of it.
2006-11-04 08:53:08 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Whoa! I've got to admit, I've not had this problem. I'm only in my mid 30s, but I did go through a spell where I more or less loss interested in sex. It was a biochemical/hormonal problem that I worked through with a counselor and some medication. I can't imagine ever getting to a point in my relationship with my husband that I viewed him as a brother. I hope you can get her to agree to counseling. My parents (56 and 60 yrs old) had an active sex life up until my father became terminally ill.
2006-11-04 09:01:20 · answer #10 · answered by A 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋