My husband is an alcoholic. He has liver damage, but says he has no problem. When he is drinking he is very mean, threatening to throw me out, saying I don't do anything, even pushing me backwards once. He promised me if I would file bankruptcy on our bills and keep his name out of it, he would put my name on the deed to his house. We have been married almost ten years. After I filed and went to court he wouldn't keep his promise, saying if I didn't like it I could get out. He never says "I love you" to me because he says he told that to two women in his life and they both made a fool out of him.If I ask him if he loves me he will say yes, but if I tell him "I love you" he just says hmmm. He drinks about 3 cases of beer a week. A couple of months ago he drank about 16 cases (480 cans) in 46 days. I know he has liver problems. Would most people leave or stay when they know he is in bad health? I am 53 and disabled. I ask for a dishwasher and he said I have two. My hands. Any advice?
2006-11-04 07:24:10 · 22 answers · asked by Brenda L1953 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First of all, I want you to know I strongly empathize for you and am so sorry for what you're going through. It must be extremely difficult to love someone who can't give love back to you, and to love someone who is toxic for you. You asked for "advice". Obviously, he had a drinking problem before the 2 of you married. I say that because you've been married 10 years, but he has liver problems (I'm assuming from his alcohol intake) which take a while to manifest--usually liver damage shows up after about 15 years of continuous heavy drinking. Don't quote me on that being specific to everyone--all of us break down alcohol through our pancreas and liver at various levels. This man is showing you through his own behaviors that HE LOVES ALCOHOL MORE THAN HE LOVES YOU. Additionally, he is becoming increasingly abusive...how long will you stay with him before he begins physically harming you to the point you end up in a hospital emergency room or worse? And about the amount of beer he's drinking...quantity of alcohol intake has no relation to whether a person has a problem with alcohol or not. It's what happens to that person when s/he drinks. And with your husband, what happens is that he experiences difficulties in his marriage, becomes another person (one who is abusive and dangerous), and he has a past history of failed relationships. I would venture to say he's having problems in other areas of his life such as financial, spiritual, social, vocational, etc. The bottom line is YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! And to do that means making some tough choices--IN SPITE OF HOW YOU FEEL TOWARD HIM!! Go to Al-Anon (a 12-step group made up of family members just like you who have a loved one who is alcoholic). Or call Al-Anon and ask that someone come to your house to visit with you, preferably at a time your husband is not at home. And you're probably going to need to leave him (even temporarily), so you can think more clearly, have some peace of mind, and then be able to make more rational decisions for yourself. REMEMBER: YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. YOU NEED THE SUPPORT OF OTHERS TO HELP YOU MAKE SOME VERY LIFE-CHANGING DECISIONS. I do hope this helps you. And know you are in my thoughts.
2006-11-04 07:45:25 · answer #1 · answered by Kent 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Honestly, this is going to be the hardest advice you'll have to hear. Having been in an abusive relationship, I know it can be INCREDIBLY hard to leave. They have a pull over you that you know they shouldn't and you can see the abuse but, you just can't leave. The fact that your husband is an alcoholic sends up red-flags. He needs help and there's only so much that you can do to get it for him. Alcoholics are well-known to come with bad tempers and physical violence. My advice to you is to get out. You deserve someone who will openly tell you that he loves you and put into the relationship just as much as you are. Being disabled and 53 I'm sure the idea of starting over is a bit scary and not what you want at all but, maybe its for the best. If he won't seek treatment then he's only going to go downhill and the question you have to ask yourself is, "Is it worth sticking around just to watch that?". Given his past use of alcohol, if he goes into liver failure, he won't be given another kidney- especially if he won't even admit to a problem. I'm sorry he treats you like that and (not trying to over step my bounds) it sounds like you know where your marriage is headed and you know what might happen if you stay. Bottom line is that you deserve better. If he'd try counseling that might help but, my first instinct is to tell you to leave him for your own safety and mental well-being, its going to hurt when you leave but its better for you in the long-run.
2006-11-04 07:34:54 · answer #2 · answered by irishgypsy88 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You probably can't give up on him because you feel like eventually you can help him. I am one of those people. I seek out the most "helpless" people and try to be their "helper". You see the good in him and that cancels out the bad. True, he needs some serious help, but sometimes the best help you can give him is "an eye-opener". If he loses you, I will almost guarantee you that he'll wake up and figure out what it takes to get you back. If he doesn't, then he doesn't love you as much as you deserve to be loved. Do you really want to be married to someone who doesn't love you back??? Not saying that leaving him is the only option, maybe sign him into a reahab (not my favorite way of dealing with these things) or do whatever it takes to get him to go to an AA meeting. But nobody changes unless they want to. If he likes himself the way he is and you can't take it anymore, there's only the one option. I'm sorry to say that. Breaks my heart. Good luck sweetheart. I'll be praying for you.
2006-11-04 07:37:18 · answer #3 · answered by rowdiegurl 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
he has a sevear problem he sounds like hes ungrateful for you and that hurts me if someone loves you they should at least be able to say it even if he gets made a "fool" out of because of it and it looks like hes living in the past if he cant deal with that then he drinks to "fix" his problems and soak up the i don't care feeling this guy is pathetic hes ungrateful he lives in denial and he cant accept the fact that he does have liver problems and he is an alcoholic I'm 15 i dontknow much but my mom was in a relationship like this from the time i was 5-8 12-15 8-12 i was removed from the house because i got in the middle of it but a few months back he went out drinking he said he'd changed the fact is some people can change and lead way better lives but some cant he didn't change he was sober for 1.4 years which is amazing for how much he drank in the past but when i was 8 i was little and i really couldn't do anything he came back from drinking in his drunken rage and made the mistake of once again hitting my mother the first thing that came out of my mouth was hey I'm not 8 any more and hit him in the face he started to cry and asked me why i hit him i said because you messed up my life i wont let you mess up your other kids lives he has Amanda,Quin and brayden abuse can scar people physically,mentally and emotionally in my opinion its best if you leave and dont look back
2006-11-04 07:34:57 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Give him the ultimatum. Tell him to straighten up his act, or you are going to leave. If I were you, I would not be bluffing about this either. I would also give him a realistic time frame. for instance, if he has been treating you this way for a long period of time, then it is going to take sometime for him to change his attitude towards you. I would totally stick to my guns on this one. Nobody deserves to be treated badly. Granted, I don't know the whole story, but it sounds like he is not a nice person in general and that it would best for him to realize what he has before he does not have it anymore.
2006-11-04 07:29:44 · answer #5 · answered by cyncase007 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Leave it in God's hand. My mother when through the same thing, but with me, her son. And after 3 years of praying without any visible improvement, God rescue me and give me a new life, a new life that your husband also can acquired. My prayers are with you. JesusChrist will help you, and if you do not have it, the bible says that the only thing that you have to do is confess with your heart that Jesus is God, and he came to the world to save us from the hand of the foe. If you confess this with your month and believe it in your heart you will be save, and there is another promise in the bible. If you are save you and your family will serve the lord. Act 16:31. Be pacient and have alot of faith.
2006-11-04 07:31:39 · answer #6 · answered by racm_86 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do you know what an enabler is...?
You cannot change anyone - ever. You can only change yourself. As long as there is something in you that desires to be treated as he treats you, you will stay in the situation. If you ever did manage to leave, unless you got help to understand why you were in codependent relationship, the odds are that you will find someone else who treats you just as bad if not worse
I strongly suggest you call Alcoholics Anonymous. They can guide you on what you need to do if you truly want to help yourself.
2006-11-04 07:32:16 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wait.....what is that noise??? I think it is..quiet now.....oh, it is the rest of your life calling you.
We females are the nesters, fixers and the "I worry what will come of him if I leave" fools.
Get out and get gone. He is a loser who hates what he is and is punishing you for it.
If you stay then just expect that in 10 years from now it will be either the same or worse.
He lies and cheated you out of the time you have spent there. Get out now and move to where he won't be able to call you.
If you don't then you get what you asked for.
There are ways out so just do it. It is emotional abuse and leaves the worst scars ever. Get the hell out.
2006-11-04 07:34:10 · answer #8 · answered by sideways 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How hideous! If you like this dreadful abuse then stay and enjoy your misery.
53 is not old, and you would feel a lot healthier if you were out of this situation. Get out as fast as you can and get a lawyer or just forget about the house. Save yourself, because you can't save him.
2006-11-04 07:31:16 · answer #9 · answered by chillsister 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are afraid you can't make it on your own, if you need help with this please contact me.
You feel you have failed him somehow, and perhaps you did but it seems to me that its time to cut your losses and find a corner in the world where you can enjoy the rest of your years.
You need to get out of that situation ASAP. His health issue is something that he needs to want to take care of, you can't make him do it, and if he won't do it then what are you doing there? Its a matter of time before hostilities escalate and there is a tragedy.
Hope it helps
2006-11-04 07:30:16 · answer #10 · answered by ttepinzon 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋