we have a child together and after 3 years he is finally willing to talk about marriage plans....yet he refuses to make changes in this area...he thinks I am trying to control him. I think it is inappropriate to have social interactions with 2 single women on a friday night while I am at home, why can't I go with him? He also has dinners and has gone to a movie with his 20 yr "married" friend....which I also think is not okay...they could meet for coffee or lunch , but, if I think this behavior violates the rules of a trusting relationship...am I wrong?
2006-11-04 05:45:44 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Wow, this is always a tough issue. I am 30, and I'm a single woman, so I think I can give you a good perspective..
This is how I feel: me personally--I have made the decision that when my close male friends get married, I will distance myself from them. I am single, no kids, and yes I am attractive.
Recently, I broke off a friendship with one of my Best male friends. We were like Jenny and Forrest Gump--without the intimacy..But, after he got married, I felt like I was stepping on his wife's toes. Although she never said anything about me--I felt that it was wrong that me and my buddy were soooo close. I felt like he needed to focus on his wife and stop using me as his best friend, councelor, and laugh-buddy.
My other male friend--whom I was very close with--called me up 2 weeks ago and told me was getting married..I told him that we would no longer be as close anymore and that I didnt think it was right to be close anymore..He got VERY UPSET with me, and accused me of turning my back on him..Whatever.
Anyhow, as for you deary--you are in a different situation. Please, please forgive me if this hurts you when I say this: But, you are Not Married to him. So, in a way, you can't start putting all these restraints on his life just yet. These women have probabaly been in his life longer than you, and they dont know for sure if you 2 will indeed get married, so why should they stop accepting his phone calls and invitations out to hang out on Friday night?
Yes, it is natural for you to feel left out and a little jealous. But, HE is doing that to you--not those women...If he truly loved you, HE would spend Friday night with YOU, and not them. Sure, its ok to go out from time to time with a group of buddies--but I'm saying that when a man loves you, you dont have to beg and plead for his time and attention. You need to figure out if he really is in love with you, or if he just there because of the child..I say this because if he marries you for the sake of the child--then 5 years from now, he will come out and tell you that he is not in love with you: Trust me--this is very common and it is happening to my Best Female Friend right now. She is VERY pretty, age 32, and they have 3 kids, but her husband came home 3 weeks ago and said that "I am not in love with you, and I'm leaving".....
If you find that you are begging and pleading for his attention agianst these women in his life--then maybe you are not Number 1 in his book. Listen, I'm going to give you some solid advise: My momma told me that when a man doesnt marry you after you have had kids, its because he is probably waiting for something better to come along.
You need to sit down and have a talk with your man, and figure out if you should waste any more time on fighting for his attention.
People will do, what they WANT to do. If he WANTS to spend time with you, then he will. If he WANTS to spend time without you and instead spend it with these women--then that is telling you alot about how he feels about you.
Good Luck.
2006-11-04 06:17:28 · answer #1 · answered by Victory 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My opinion, I think it is wrong that he does those things knowing that you aren't okay with it. I think it should be okay for people to get along and have co-friends. If there are issues with control and defiance and etc, then maybe all of this behavior on the backdrop of a marriage isn't the best of ideas, but there seems to be a lack of communciation or compromise.
There aren't written rules for a trusting relationship, so it is as far as you are willing to allow and tolerate.
2006-11-04 13:51:20 · answer #2 · answered by jlrgds 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sure that in his view a 3-some 4-some or more-some is great as long as he can get away with it. Apparently he doesn't consider his relationship with you to be monogamous. you choice is to do nothing and leave things as they are or tell him it's you way or the highway and live with the results. Good luck in your choice. What you want is reasonable and necessary for most sound relationships.
2006-11-04 13:53:15 · answer #3 · answered by dano 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your Not Wrong, many women in the same situation would probaly think the same thing but before you do anything you would regret sit down and talk to him and if refuses, gte your facts and once your sure, it would be wise to take action!
2006-11-04 13:48:37 · answer #4 · answered by The Names Kayty 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with you and I wouldnt be marrying this one that for sure. He wants his cake and eat it too. If you cant go somewhere then I would be very suspicious of why. And I agree about the dinners too...lunch is fine. Why cant he bring them to your place...who knows maybe you could all be friends.
2006-11-04 13:51:27 · answer #5 · answered by dragonrider707 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he doesnt seem to be taking you too seriously maybe you should rethink this do you really want to marry someone like that? it could scar you for life if you found out he was cheating on you i say you dump him and find yourself someone who respects you, honors you and wont leave you at home on a friday night
2006-11-04 13:50:03 · answer #6 · answered by LilMissYady 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think u need to go everytime but why can't u go sometimes? If u can't ever go I would have a prob w it. There should be a middle ground on this subject
2006-11-04 13:48:04 · answer #7 · answered by do you know me? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok what you should do is
start hanging out and going to the movies with your guy friends
lets see how he likes it
Don't get mad baby Get even.
In other words
No its not ok.
He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Don't allow this behavior
2006-11-04 13:50:13 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
well...if u sense he is leaving u home alone and meeting women...u should get a clue about him cheating or something like that....just sneak out and follow him without him knowing u r
2006-11-04 13:50:41 · answer #9 · answered by lava_hotty1234 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No......Definitely not, tell him to tell them it's over and mean it or...tell him it's over and show him the door, you owe him nothing then go down and file for welfare name him as the father and let them do the rest. That's control!
2006-11-04 13:49:57 · answer #10 · answered by cowboydoc 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋