Help, I am miserable?

Question

I am so very sad today. When I got haome from work last night, my teenaged daughter had misbehaved again and was disrespectful to my live-in fiance. This has happened several times before and she just will not comply. He is not used to having his life run by a teenager and not being able to leave the house when she gets home from school because he has to keep an eye on her - or take her with him everywhere.

Her behavior is the only discord in an otherwise perfect relationship. She insists on dressing "goth" and acting sullen. I have begged her to behave and to help us be a family, but she doesn't seem to get it. I have even started her in counselling.

If I don't send her to go live with her father (who is a selfish and abusive jerk) I'm afraid this wonderful relationship will be over. She just causes so much dissention in our household. My lover and I had a lovely day planned today because it's going to rain all day tomorrow. We were going to go out sailing with a picnic

It's all ruined because we can't leave her home alone for fear of what she might get into or do while we're gone. We just moved here and don't know anyone enough yet to leave her with. My heart is breaking because he left to go out by himself to get out of the house (away from the tension). I can't stay home or I will cry all day.

What do I do? I need to get her out of our home in order for there to be peace. She says that she doesn't want to go, and cries and begs for me not to send her zaway, but she will not comply! She's going to destroy the happiest relationship of my life. Di I send her to her dad for the rest of the school year? To another relative? Do I try to keep her with us and risk losing him?

I also need to add that he is exceptionally patient and kind to her. He is a perfect role model of what a man and father is. He loves her and only wants her to respect and love him. Her father was horrible to her, so she should appreciate my fiance being so good to her - but she doesn't seem to. She says she does, but then turns around and practically goads him into arguments. He has never ever struck her or even threatened to. He talks to her on an adult level and never raises his voice.

Answer 1

I think you need to focus more on your daughter than your live in. She is obviously trying to tell you something. Men come and go, but we always have to think of our children first.

It's very sad that you made the statement that you need to get her out of "our" home. It's her home too!

Answer 2

Have you ever stopped to think that there may be something going on in your daughter's life that she really needs help for, and her acting out is actually a cry for help? Maybe she's not the only one that needs counseling... maybe it should be a family thing.

And your "perfect fiance" knew that you had a daughter before he moved in, right? If being a father figure is "just not the thing" for him, maybe the relationship between the two of you needs to be re-thought. Your first concern should be your daughter.

All in all, your post sounds like you are wanting approval or permission from people to abandon your daughter for the happiness of your fiance. Especially when you call her behavior the "only discord in an otherwise perfect relationship."

You call her father a "selfish" jerk, but to put a "lovely day" with your lover ahead of the needs of your daughter sounds pretty selfish to me. You are a mother, and if your fiance marries you, he will be a father. You both need to act as such and stop trying to be free-wheeling teenagers again yourselves.

Answer 3

First of all, it is not fair to rely on your fiance to take care of a daughter who is not his, no matter how great of a person he is. Can you switch around your hours with your job so you can be home when she is home? Second of all - she is a teenager. Her whole life is changing and it may seem out of her control. Don't complain about how she dresses or acts right now, it is just a phase and perhaps a way of acting out against you. She knows it bugs you and that makes it seem more fun (in a sick and twisted way). I would instead encourage her to dress the way she does (even if it is embarassing) and it won't seem as fun anymore. As for the counseling, I would consider yourself going to some counseling. You might think she needs it, but I think you do too and you should be there to support your daughter and let her know you are trying to make it work. As for threatening her to go live with her father, that is a bit harsh. Think about how this feels to a teenager - she thinks you are picking your man over her, which is exactly what you are doing!!! I would also try to learn to trust her a little bit at a time. You say her behavior is the only "discord" so I would try to give her a little space and learn to trust her a little at a time - even if that means she be alone for a while. You are being a bit unfair with this situation since it seems you are putting your relationship with this man first and your daughter second. You can get any man you want, but your daughter is for life. My mom tried to pull that crap on me as a teen, and now she regrets the whole situation and wishes she had handled it differently. You - not your fiance - need to spend more time with your daughter and work on your issues. At some point she will grow up and move out and you will have the rest of your life to work on your relationship with some guy. For now you need to make your daughter your priority and perhaps this guy should consider moving out for a bit until you can get your life with your daughter at a more normal level. Quit being so selfish and put her first - NOT you!!!!

Answer 4

My first question is..... how long have you been with this fiance? You cant expect your daughter to just adjust and be all happy happy about it like you are. It will take time for her to really feel she can trust this man. She is probably very afraid of losing you to this man, (since you say her father is already a jerk)
I have been through this several times with my own daughter. And you know what? Those men I thought were so great ended up leaving eventually, and the one who stuck by me and always by my side was my lovely daughter. Your daughter needs you. Men may come and go. Blood is thicker than water. And if this fiance is so understanding, wonderful, and really truly loves you, then he will endure through this with you and your daughter. If he cant handle it, then he needs to go bye bye. Whatever you do, DO NOT choose a man over your child EVER. Your daughter needs you and you need to put her first.

Answer 5

Dressing Goth isn't really the problem. It's good that she's in councelling. Maybe you should ask her councellor his/her opinion on how to deal with her? When you say 'misbehaving'...what do you mean? I know this...when dealing with a teenager who wants to be aggitated all the time, you have to pick your battles. She's too old to need either of you babysitting her 24 hours a day.

Maybe you need to sit her down and ask her what she's feeling. If you do...do NOT speak to her as if she were a child. If she wants to make adult decisions without listening to you...you need to talk to her as an adult. Don't bring your fiance into the discussion unless she does. Say things to her, like..."If you keep sneaking out at night, eventually you will get hurt. I'm not saying that because you're young...I'm saying that because you have the common sense to know that already. You are not invincible. Why do you think they warn people not to go out alone at night?"

You do need to lay it out for her, without pulling any punches...but in a non-threatening way. If you threaten her, she will shut down and won't hear anything you say beyond that.

I know you get a lot of crying when you tell her you may send her away, and then she doesn't comply. It sounds like she wants to stay with you, but has some issues with it that she either won't, or can't talk to you about. Maybe unconciously, you're telling her all the problems her behavior is causing...without understanding what her problems are being caused by.

Your fiance is good to her...but maybe she's so accustomed to her 'father figure' treating her badly, that she can't let her guard down with someone who is so different. She may simply not trust it, so she rebels before he has a chance to hurt her?

Answer 6

Teenagers are teenagers no matter what they have been through but you need to realize that kids going through paren'ts divorce is really hard on them. She may blame herself for it even. You need to put her first in your life and get her raised. You will be neglecting your boyfriend but that happens when you have kids from day one. Let her know that you put her first. Talk to her. Maybe you need to cry together over what y'all have been through together. She is your daughter and always will be. You both need that relationship to remain good. You say that she is ruining things. What has your x relationship, divorce and a proposed new dad done to her? Find out. You have a live in fiance to see if things will work out. Well, they arent yet.

Answer 7

Honest answer: it is better if you take care about your daughter.Be a teenager is the most and hard time for many men and women.if you send her out anywhere,you will destroy your daughter life forever,and you will regret that for sure.what happen is she has flash backs about her father behaviour,and also she is jealous about your lover.You need to talk with her,tell her,that she will stay living with you.But ask her what is bothering her,what problems she has with friends,school,etc.And you need to listen what she will say.She need somebody to really can give her love,understanding,comprehension,compassion,and help to find her way out (about how she is feeling,thinking,etc.).Remember that before your lover is your daughter first.If you can not give her love and good understanding and help,nobody will do.If you think you can not handle this situation,please get professional help,before destroy a teenager life.Good luck,and God bless you every day.Communication and listening one another; is the key to solve any problem,and to have a good relationship in family and love matters.

Answer 8

As much as I know you don't want to hear it, your first loyalty, and priority, has to go to your daughter. If your guy is what you need, and all you think he is, he WILL understand and appreciate you for it. My son struggles with a similar situation every day, so I KNOW it's tough......the "goth", the rebellion, the lack of respect for him by the daughter, but.....he knows the daughter comes first in the mother's eyes. I wish there was a good answer for you, but only time is going to solve this problem! Good Luck, Mom! It WILL get better!!

Answer 9

Your's is a tough situation. But here's my advise. Your live-in fiance seems to be quite understanding. I believe that if he really loves you, he needs to start looking at your problems as his own and start strategizing how to win over the teenager's heart. Lot of teenagers act rebellious at a certain age. If your daughter is between 13 and 16, you really can't blame her. She has lots of issues to deal with in addition to having to deal with her parent's divorce. Go easy on her, make her feel wanted. Set limits, be accessible to her, listen to her problems, be her mother, be her confidante. Set priorities to nurture your young relationship with your fiance.

Answer 10

She is the adult in your houshold, and you and your sweetie are allowing it. Not only should she remain in counseling, you three should be in it as well. There should be contracts "If...Then..." that she is held to: "If you do.....Then the following will occur..." Again, get into counseling so that you can properly institute these. You are in over your head with an angry teen, who is about to destroy YOUR happiness simply because she feels you have no right to BE happy. And she'll do it too, because you are letting her. She doesn't want to be part of your family, sweetie, she wants everyone around her to be as miserable as she is.... part of the cause of it is in the breakup of you and your ex, and part of it is just being a teen, a very angry teen....

Get her to comply, to your WRITTEN rules or get her out of your household. If you have a loving man in your life, he is your concern, not a daughter who is almost an adult who is being a jerk, by trying to destroy your love.... Let her live with her dad -- the two of them will be miserable together, and she just might learn a few things -- like "It ain't all about her....."

Good luck, sweetie..... kids like her are tuff nuts to crack... And no, your first priority is not your daughter.... she is being a brat.... Your first priority is yourself, and this kid has no right to be a $hit. Of course your sweetie knew about her.... what he didn't know is that this kid has issues only a pro can handle. Lots of women have boyfriends with whom they live, and the kids are fine with it, maybe secretly a little miffed because now mom's entire attention isn't toward them. But your daughter seems off the wall. You and your sweetie are the adults in the family. Take charge. And again, if your daughter is going to be a jerk, let her live with her dad........

Answer 11

Doesn't she have any friends? Most teenagers have overnight friends? Are they all jerks??? Your boyfriend knew you had a daughter before ya'll got together. It may sound dreamy now but will you have doubts about your boyfriend later if he doesn't help you with this problem? Doesn't he have any ideas or does he say he's through with raising kids? If its the latter, tell him to get him someone else WITHOUT teenagers...Maybe she picks up on something you don't? Just curious....