Can anyone please give me constructive critisism on this paragraph?

Question

“I hate you, it’s all your fault I’m here, I never want to see you again, you deserved everything you got.” Nancy said looking at Frank and begging, pleading with him silently, to understand that she didn’t mean it that she was sorry, but Frank wasn’t looking at her, he was looking a his hands, which were shaking. Nancy held back tears and turned and walked through the door in Frank’s room that connected it to hers she threw herself down onto the bed and sobbed into the pillow. She’d never felt so bad in her entire life. On the other side of the door that led from Frank’s room into the hallway, Mark smirked, yes that had gone well, perfectly in fact, Frankie had bought it, and now he was even more upset then he was, so far he had made Frank hate his parents, with the manufactured tape, Joe, and by extension Nessa, Callie, Nancy, he had isolated Frankie, and now when he went home...

and Mark was actually considering going through on his deal, he would be totally isolated, completely alone, and totally miserable. Ah, yes Mark had done well, Joey was clinging to life, Vanessa would soon be dead, Fenton and Laura were beside themselves, and Frank? Well Frank may as well be dead.

Answer 1

“I hate you! It’s all your fault I’m here! I never want to see you again and you deserved everything you got!” Nancy cried, looking at Frank and begging, pleading with him silently to understand that she didn’t mean it that she was sorry.

Frank wasn’t looking at her, he was looking a his hands, which were shaking. Nancy held back tears and turned and walked through the door in Frank’s room that connected it to hers. She threw herself down onto the bed and sobbed into the pillow. She’d never felt so bad in her entire life.

On the other side of the door that led from Frank’s room into the hallway, Mark smirked. Yes that had gone well. Perfectly, in fact! Frankie had bought it and now he was even more upset than Mark was. So far he had made Frank hate his parents with the manufactured tape. Joe, and by extension Nessa, Callie, and Nancy. He had isolated Frankie, and now when he went home...

Not perfect, but more readable. Easier to edit than to explain.

Answer 2

"I hate you, it’s all your fault [Period.] I’m here, I never want to see you again, [Period, not comma. Capitalize Y.] you deserved everything you got." Nancy **said looking** [looked] at Frank [comma] **and** begging, pleading with him silently, [no comma] to understand that she didn’t mean it [comma] that she was sorry, [Period, not comma, cap B.] but Frank wasn’t looking at her, he was looking a[t] his hands, which were shaking. Nancy held back [her] tears and turned [comma] **and** walked through the door **in Frank’s room** that connected **it**[Frank's room] to hers [Period. Cap S.] she threw herself down onto the bed and sobbed into the pillow. She’d never felt so bad in her entire life. On the other side of the door **that led from Frank’s room into the hallway**, Mark smirked, yes that had gone well,[Period. Cap P.] perfectly in fact, [Period.] Frankie [Whe is Frankie? Stay consistent.] had bought it, and now he was even more upset then he was, [he was more upset than he? Is this an alternative sex story? Even so, it's confusing.] so far he had made Frank hate his parents, with the manufactured tape, Joe, and by extension Nessa, Callie, Nancy, he had isolated Frankie, and now when he went home
and Mark was actually considering going through on his deal, he would be totally isolated, completely alone, and totally miserable. Ah, yes Mark had done well, Joey was clinging to life, Vanessa would soon be dead, Fenton and Laura were beside themselves, and Frank? Well Frank may as well be dead.
[WAY too much exposition at the last. Unless you're writing a soap, I'd cut it all and let the reader figure that last bit out.]

Answer 3

Nancy said looking at Frank, begging and pleading with him silently to understand that she didn't mean it and was sorry. But Frank wasn't looking at her, he was looking at his hands which were shaking. Nancy held back tears, turned and walked through the door in Frank's room that connected to hers. She threw herself down onto the bed and sobbed into the pillow. She'd never felt so bad in her entire life. On the other side of the door, Mark smirked. Yes, it had gone well (perfectly in fact!) Frankie had bought it and now he was even more upset. So far, he had made Frank hate his parents with the manufactured tape, isloted Frankie, and used Joe, Callie and Nancy. Satisfied with his scheme, he went home.

Just a few changes and it could still be better. I just don't have time. Some of your sentences are too long and contain too much information. It makes reading awkward. Don't use commas unless you need to divide the thought. Hope this helps!

Answer 4

Criticism of the constructive type...
1). Choppy sentences...try to make better word-scenes from these. It helps improve the flow of the story and paints in the blanks, too.

2). This reads flat, but only because the use of punctuation could be improved. An exclamation point adds drama to an otherwise drab sentence.

3). Try reading what you write to yourself, but read it out loud, acting out the parts you have created.

4). Perform a Lie detector test on your story; Do the characters talk true to form? Are they behaving according to character?

5). Go to your local book emporium and buy Strunk & White's Elements books: The Elements Of Style, The Elements Of Grammar, and The Elements Of Editing. These books may be small, but they are nothing short of awesome. In fact, while you're in the bookstore, pick up Stephen King's book "On Writing". A great book on the craft by one of the masters of the craft. (Get these books beofre you settle into some , um, er, bad habits.)

Answer 5

On the content? or the style? or Both?


Content: Too many characters, who are all those people at the end? Why is Mark so mean? When will Nancy learn to think for herself? When will Frank stop being so gullible?

Style: too many commas and run on sentences.

Answer 6

“sparkling your recommendations and picture what you choose it to do.� - this ought to initiate with a capital letter. cope with each and every beginning communicate tag as an entire quit; a capital continually follows. this is extremely sturdy otherwise.

Answer 7

DITTO the two previous thoughts