My husband feels sex shouldn't involved "love". Sex + Love/Affection = disturbing in his eyes.?

Question

My husband does not believe that Sex should include the feelings of Love and Affection. We've been married for 7 months, but in our 4 year relationship we have never made love. He is porn style all the way - he loves porn and stripclubs. He thinks it is gross to climax inside me and has never done that even though I've been on birth control - the patch. I thought maybe it was a trust issue, but he could see that I was wearing it and changing it appropriately - still he refused to climax in me - he says it's digusting. He said he's never had that overwhelming feeling of love for me when we kiss or have sex. He cuddles with me while we watch tv and stuff, but it really bothers me that he has never had that overwhelming feeling of love for me the way I have with him. I feel very empty after sex; it's great physically, but meaningless emotionally. It really hurts - he said that I just have to deal with it. I am worried about this; what are some other angles/ideas that may be wrong

Answer 1

Leave him, Its just sex. Its not that easy but you deserve better then that, find someone who will fulfill you needs. Move on

Answer 2

To begin with I am confused. You say in your 4 year relationship you never made love. But then you say after sex you feel empty even though its great physically. I assume that you must be getting an "O". I do understand the importance of the emotional side but the contradiction.....well..........

My guess is you have a husband that has problems relating to women. Why would he marry you if he felt sex with you was disgusting. This would blow most men's minds I think. Sure would mine.

Something has happened to him in his past to make him feel this way. He really does need help. He is cheating you out of one of the best parts of marriage.......true intimacy.

He has told you he doesn't love you. At least not like he should. Why...oh why....did you marry?

For him to believe that climaxing inside you is gross goes beyond belief. Not many men could understand that. And you are getting nothing out of this mar rage sexually.

You have to ask yourself is it worth staying with someone who gives you so little. If he loves stipclubs and porn more than you he has a big problem.

Answer 3

Good Heaven's you have been in a relationship with this guy for 4 years and NEVER made love??? Ok there is a huge clue that something is wrong. And he can't just blame it on porn, or strip clubs because those usually get guys going. I should say most normal guys. The first time he told you that it was disgusting to climax in you...You should been out that door way before then. You have put up with this for to long and now you have allowed his behavior to affect you. This guy needs to be seeing a professional Psychiatrist and he is going to need therapy for years. And how dare him to tell you that you just have to deal with it...it sounds like he sees you as a door mat and treats you as one. Because if he was a real man, he would be treating you like a lady and not with all this drama,,,you sure he is not gay?

Answer 4

Men have a different meaning when it comes to sex then us women do. They think more of the act so much differently then we do. I would not worry to much about the way he thinks about sex because that is just in a mans nature. Now however if you do not like the porn you should tell him you want more romance in and out of bed and you need to tell him you are not comfortable with him looking at it and going to strip clubs. You need to really mean it as well tell him it is either the porn or strip clubs or you. The reason why he doesn't climax in you could be for many reasons 1. he probably is scared to have a baby even though you are on birth control. 2. He probably feels that you are cleaner and he could do oral on you without getting grossed out. there could be many reasons you should talk to him and ask him why. I would not put a lot into the love thing when it comes to sex if he is fulfilling your needs then he loves you and wants you to have fun as well that right there shows he loves you.

Answer 5

It seems like your husband's issues are very deep. Even though he may sound like he is just being a jerk, I think it is more serious. Therapy is the only way you are ever going to save your relationship. Many reasons behind his behavior are possible.
Separating love and sex- Probably has an underlying reason even he isn't aware of.
Ejaculating inside you being"gross", sounds like just an excuse because what he really can't say is because of all the porn, he doesn't find it stimulating enough unless he watches himself ejaculate.
Pornography- long history of intense viewing will distort what sex and love in a normal relationship should be. Could be why he has separated love and sexual desire. He doesn't want to treat you, the woman he loves, like the women in the movies, but he needs to get off that way, so he separates the two in order to fulfill sexual desires. I wouldn't be quick to say he doesn't love you. Therapy, therapy, therapy. My friend had a husband into porn and she had the same problems. It ruined their marriage. I could see that he loved her, he was a very nice guy. But when it came to sex everything was distorted...Because of pornography. Get him help now, if he will take it.

Answer 6

Hi Honey22,

I find this disturbing and very sad that your husband doesn't feel loving feelings for you during sex, IMHO this is not normal, especially if the rest of your relationship outside the bedroom is good. There are a few things that occur to me:

1) Your husband may have deep seated psychological issues related to sex (i.e. he was molested or abused in some way in his past) and because of this, he can't or won't let himself go emotionally during sex as he doesn't trust himself and his feelings. Counseling or therapy would help to resolve this.

2) Your husband has a porn addiction. This is very common in the Internet Age. Again, couples or individual counseling can work wonders to help with this.

3) Your husband feels it's not macho/masculine to relax and admit to having strong feelings during sex. He may be having the same feelings you are, but be unwilling to admit to them because this doesn't seem manly to him. This is something the two of you could discuss and work on, provided you have good communication in other areas. Sometime when the two of you are just hanging out (but not in the bedroom or during or right after having sex) you could tell him that it makes you feel good when he says "I love you" or holds you after having sex. Emphasizing the GOOD things he says or does after sex, even if they're minimal, instead of the bad things will make him feel less like he's letting you down and more like he's your knight in shining armor, even if his armor's a bit tarnished at present. This should make him want to please you more and eventually should help to resolve your problem.

If, however, your husband has abuse or trust issues or a serious porn addiction problem, professional counseling is in order.

Good luck and best wishes from bookyone :)

Answer 7

Hon, why did you marry him when you knew he was this way? He sees women as objects, and has a sex addiction. He has a serious problem and needs therapy. You also need marriage counseling.
He may think he doesn't have a problem, but he does. Climaxing inside you is not gross--that's just one sign of his problems.

Why have you tolerated this for so long? Be brave and strong. You deserve a man who will love all of you and not use you just as an object.

Answer 8

Say WHAT?! Most 'normal' guys love to climax inside a woman.

He is WAY too involved in porn and that's the problem, it can cause damage to relationship and make people feel they need it to get an orgasm.

I'm not trying to hurt you further in any way, but are you sure that this man isn't bi sexual or gay? I just fin dit strange that he won't have an orgasm inside you and says he doesn't feel love when you kiss or have sex! STrange. You need a nice man. not some jerk.

Answer 9

He is abnormal and if he does not want to change (he probably won´t since he clearly does not think anything is wrong with him) you should get out of the marriage. He has told you that he has never had an overwhelming feeling of love for you and you need and deserve that kind of love. If he cannot give it to you, let somebody else make you feel that you are wonderful and special

Answer 10

Speaking from experience he might have some personal issues that make him unable to connect love with sex.
Is it possible that he was abused as a child?

It is normal if someone had dealt with abuse particularly sexual abuse that it would hurt too much to involve such beautiful feelings (love) with such an act (sex) that was the form of the abuse.

Tell him that you are having some major issues with your sex life and that you want to go into therapy and you want him to come.
(this way he doesn't feel that its all about him) then he can work out his issues in a controlled, safe environment

Answer 11

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