My husband is extremely selfish. Why can't I leave him?

Question

I am 34 yo married to a 28 yo who goes out with his 19 yo friends taking drugs until midday the following day,gives other women his number whilst out and then gets angry with me for questioning his motives. He's smoking heaps of dope, won't commit to anything in life because he wants to be hollywood superstar yet won't actively pursue the acting.

I was in hospital last week with a heart scare and found I had a rare condition which is treatable but scary nonetheless. I was released yesterday and I had to catch a cab home because he was at his mates place playing x-box and smoking dope. He called to say he'd come home if I needed him to but he'd rather stay there if I was ok.

Today one of my fish died :( I called to tell him. He said he'd take me to the movies tonight to cheer me up. Then when he got home from work he said we were going to the movies with a couple of his friends to see Borat and got upset when I wanted to see something else.

Why am I still here? Please help me...

Answer 1

-Perhaps a part of you belives it can still work. Before you were married did he have this sort of beahavior?

-The question I'm asking myself is, are these recent ambitions, the drugs, gaming and hollywood and lack of sensitivity to elements in your life? Or have the problems with drugs and everything occured before you were married? I

-If they did occcur and he was doing drugs or gaming or had a hollywood ambition maybe these were problems that were not resolved before marriage and were swept under the rug, maybe he did do these things just not in 'full force' like they way he's doing now.

-Otherwise if these are all new.. what could be stemming this sort of behaviour? Drugs are often used for social reasons, for escapism, for fun, many reasons.

-Now giving other women his number is a completly disrespectful to you.. Unfortunetly with that act alone if brings forth some reasons for his other actions:

.. Basically it sounds like he's avoiding you with his friends, drugs(social/ escapism). With your medical problem he was completly avoiding the issue.. he doesn't want to 'get close to you' and deal with the seriousness of the issue. Along with going to the movies with his friends.. he new full well you wanted it to be 'you and him' alone..

-With him inviting friends sends a message that 'I don't want to be alone with you'. I want to bring my friends and make it a light hearted event..especially picking out the movie, changing plans by giving the impression " oh movies with my friends you can come too if you want'.

-He may very well know his relationship is on rocky grounds.. from the escapism with his friends and drugs and with the unfufilled hollywood ambition.. He is living in a fantasy world right now, by running and 'not facing life'- by confronting you with what is bothering him and (frankly communicating would be good), and not persuing his hollywood ambition.

I know I analyzed, his behaviour cause I'm trying to understand him and why..

-Good news- He may himslef 'know' his actions are less then admirable..he's not dumb to his behaviour and may have his own persoanl reasons for his actions.. What you guys need to do is..

--> You need a third party mediatior(counceling even). Judging by his behaviour this may be difficult to sit that boy down.. though.

-The reason why I suggest 3rd party is because with previous attempts I've read, he doesn't listen to you and doesn't respect you.'The third party needs to open that boy up-and get him to explain whats going on, in a non critical non bias way.

-Do your own resarch book an appointment with a local 'pastor' which is usually cheaper..( I know myslef I'm happlily married and I have have had premarriage counceling.. from the pastor who married us.. I know that if I ever need a mediator he's a call away). Book the appointement with a councelor..

-I've tried in a previous relationship to get my guy in to see a coucelor. he will run and hide and find every good excuse in the book.. speak with the councelor as to how to get him in.. frankly I wasn't sucessful with my previous relationship.. But in the end do you really want to be with someone who doesn't care about your relationship to begin with.. try what you can do.. but he may have already severed the ties already..be strong and prepare yourself for whatever outcome.

-Frankly I despise divorce.. but if he has already cheated on you..(giving out numbers what acts might have already happend I'm sorry to say).. then forgiive and forget and move on..you need to be in a healthy relationship. Unless he turns around and make a 'u turn' in the way he acts.

Answer 2

You're still there because he's broken you down and you have very low self-esteem, you've become sort of a non-person, he's convinced you that you aren't going to ever have it better than it is right now, and you're scared.

It's REAL clear where this guy's priorities are. The fact that he was not at your side while you were in the hospital, but was hanging out smoking dope with his friends, speaks volumes. I know you're trying to make things "okay" with him, but when he said he would come home if you needed him, he should've come home because you did need him.

He's putting himself and his friends above you in all areas. When he fails to do something he tells you he will (i.e. take you to a movie you want to see) and you get upset and disappointed, he blames you.

I know you're scared, but you need to ditch this guy ASAP. He's not going to change for the better, you're not going to suddenly become a priority, he's not going to stop his self-destructive behavior, and there's a potential where you could get hurt. You deserve a partner to share your life with, what you've got right now is a babysitting gig. Please consider taking control of your life and leave this situation, you won't regret it. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I've been in a similar situation, so I do know what it's like to feel trapped. Never, ever settle, and never let anyone else define who you are. Hugs to you.....

Answer 3

Low self esteem would be my guess. You esteem is going to continue to plummet if you don't change a few things in your life. First he will never be the man in your heart, he's still a child in his and you are playing the part of mommy for him. You need to get out of the house. When he has plans to go out with his friends, make plans to do something on your own and make sure he knows you won't be home waiting on his sorry behind. When he asks, and he will, what your doing be vague. Go out to dinner, or a movie or dancing. Get out their girl, you're still a young woman you don't want to feel this way ten years from now. Good luck

Answer 4

Yeah, why are you still there? Are there any kids involved in this mess? If not, pack your bags and be gone!!! Don't look back, don't worry about what could have been, just leave!! There seems to be a growing "trend' of mature women hooking up with these younger guys and feeling like they have to put up with their childish BS! Don't be another one of those. If he's 28 years old, there's really nothing you should have to tell him. (You shouldn't have to tell a man to be a man, you know what I'm sayin?) And why in the hell is he hangin' with underage people? Leave the kids at the playground and go find yourself a REAL MAN! You deserve better than that.

Answer 5

Your still there because you lack self-esteem and self-confidence. You made a mistake marrying this guy. You should tell him that being married means that you both have to be supportive of each other and you feel that he's not holding up his side of the relationship.

When you tell him this, be prepared that he's probably not going to give you the response that you want...but it's important that you have enough self esteem to tell him how you feel about his lack of support. Don't go into rants and details about all the items you aren't supported...just make sure to communicate to him that his lack of involvement satisfying your needs is not acceptable.

You need to understand that whatever happens...it's ok to move on if it doesn't work out with him. There are millions of men out there for _you_ to choose from.

Answer 6

i might say go away. The porn element is okay cuz maximum adult men are hooked on it yet everythigng else in basic terms ain't genuine. you do no longer want a guy that lies, selfish, or that breaks his promise. he's no longer a guy if he does that. in basic terms tell him he extra helpful quit or you will go away snd if he does it returned go away and don't circulate returned.

Answer 7

1) Because you love him
2) Because you can't seem to realize that you're worth more than he's giving you.
3) Because you let him walk all over you, and put up with his crap instead of leaving him, so he knows he can get away with it.
4) Nothing is going to change as long as you let him get away with it.

Try a separation and see if you're happier after awhile apart - he'll also probably appreciate you more when you're not around and realize he needs you.

Answer 8

It seems you already answered your own question? "WHY AM I HERE"? Just take a long look at your life and where you want it to go. If it's not on your intended path, change it so it is!! You have the choice to follow whatever path you desire in order to be truly happy. If your not happy change it!! Good Luck!!... :)

Answer 9

U made the choice of having a much younger husband. It seems that u have spoilt him all these years. What r u waiting for to get out of the hell?

Answer 10

You feel like you have no control over your life. That is something you have to get over. Whatever the attraction is for this guy, it does not compare to having a real adult life. Dump the loser and get on with your life.