HELP! What to do with my husband? Not sure of what he's REALLY doing!?

Question

I know I've been asking for advice about my husband. However, things seem to be getting worse and I haven't spoke to him in 4 days. I tried to tonight when I got in from work, but he seemed a little bit upset that "I woke him up to actually talk to him because he was in a deep sleep". My husband doesn't go to work anymore, he's on FMLA every week for the past 11 months, most of the time in consecutive weeks, doesn't help around the house, except to do the dishes when he feels like it, my parents have our 2 children almost every day while I am at work and he is not, he's ALWAYS gone from home, usually 2 to 5 or 6 hrs. at a time and doesn't even call. He's been telling me little lies all the time, such as I'm returning something to my friends house real quick and I'll be right back, but doesn't show up back home until hrs. later, or I have to go check on his place that his sibling is living in because she thinks the stove caught on fire only to tell me an hour and 1/2 later

tellin me an hour and 1/2 later that he had a beer and didn't want to drive home (less than 2 mins. down the same street we live on). Tells me the other night that he'll be home as soon as he gets his car back, his sister took it the gas station real quick - when she returns, he'll be home (12:30 am) and finally makes it home at 7 am to say he fell asleep on the couch and came home to help get the kids ready for school. It's like this every day after I get off of work (by the way I work 2nd and don't get home til about 12:30am), leaves in the middle of the night nearly every weeknight and every day on the weekend when I am home with the kids without him. Mind you he's not working during the week, so - I was wondering what someone else thinks as to why he has to be gone all the time. We have been fighting since the beginning of Aug. over the same issue - that he's never at home and the kids as well as myself would like to spend some time with him too. Please help!

I don't think he's cheating on me. I could see him back smoking pot again before another woman. A long time ago, I gave back my ring and told him I didn't ever want it back unless he was totally over the drugs and that, that issue was no longer between us. It took him a year later a nd I truly felt he was sincere when he propsed that next ime around. It's been recent that I feel as well as a few others suspecting he's doing it again, maybe because of all the arguing. That's why I haven't said much to him lately. We were going to counseling for about 5 months after he left home for 2 weeks, came back and left again for 4 days a month ago, came back but things seem to be getting worse and he won't go to counseling any more with me but is seeing his own doctor now for his constant migraines, anxiety and depression that he now has. I love him very much and want to be there for him through anything, it's hard when he's never home and says that's all I do is b****h and nag at him when he is.

Thank you to everyone for their input, I just don't know what to think anymore and have been losing trust in him. We've only been married for 1 year and 5 months but have been together since March 2000. I've just really seen a change in him that's so drastic. It's hard to go to work anymore not knowing what he's doing and if my kids areok or not. They are when at my parents, I have no worries, but when I leave them with him when I leave for work, I don't know if he's watching them or pawning them off to someone else to watch while he's doing whatever. His on;y complaint about me is that "I have no hobbies or interests and all I do is go to work and come home, I'm never out with my friends." I have told him that there's so much housework to catch up on and still trying to spend what little bit of time I can with the kids. Also,there's been some unexplainable debit withdrawals from our account and he's not getting a paycheck this week. Our bills are starting to get behind.

Answer 1

Good grief. Sounds like you need someone to TALK with; I don't mean counseling, it's gone way beyond that. I mean someone who knows you, is a good friend, & can give you some input. You have gotten a lot of sincere, & thoughtful answers, however, if he is "cheating" on you or not, there are so many more issues with this "man." & sweetie, I have to say--while it may seem pragmatic to advise you to split, to kick him out, or whatever--& I AGREE--I don't see how you can continue with the stress he's putting you through, if you choose to, it won't be easy. He's not supporting your children NOW, & it would take money to get a divorce, & where would the child support come from? All this considered, you DO have to think about YOURSELF. You say you're not sure of what he's REALLY doing. You KNOW what he is NOT doing. Whether you wake him from sleep or not hardly matters, do you think? This person isn't someone you can "talk it out" with. Please just consider ALL your options, put YOURSELF FIRST; you're of no use to your children in the state you're in--come to the very best conclusion (basically a no win in any case) based on how you truly feel--in a way, it seems you've enabled him far too long. But whatever you choose, based on your emotions, finances, whatever, choose carefully & stick to it. I wish you the best, in a situation that has no "easy" solution. OK? It would help--at the moment--to talk to a friend who won't dictate to you, or judge you. You need to get this "out" in a forum other than this. I left my second husband after abandoning my profession to take care of his, only because I knew I was losing my autonomy & self respect. It was a long road back to where I'd been. Fortunately, I didn't have any children. I wish I knew more about YOU & perhaps I could be of more help. BE STRONG.

Answer 2

Oh boy, you poor thing you certainly have some problems in your marriage. If l was you l would just lay all your concerns out on the table and tell him that if he wants to continue to reap the benefits of your marriage, he has to pull his finger out and start helping more and stop being so secretive about what he is doing all day. It is very unfair that you are going to work (which he is not) and he can't even look after the children. I really hope for your sake and the sake of your children that he is not cheating on you,but quite frankly thats how it looks to me.He is obviously up to something . I think the sooner you find out what it is the better. This is no way for you to be living, the not knowing must be such a strain on you. Hope all works out for the best for you and your family. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Your days of being a keep-at-house mother are over. Get a role, in order that if he does depart you there might be earnings. He hasn’t promised that he's going to make a decision to hold the wedding going, so that you have got to be all set to be financially unbiased. Tell him he does no longer get to stick within the apartment except he is going with you to a wedding counselor, and if he refuses he has one week to uncover a situation to are living, on the grounds that you’re no longer uprooting the youngsters. You may even must dossier a seperation contract, even though he maintains to are living within the apartment, and lay out the phrases of youngster aid, invoice paying, coverage, use of the vehicles, and many others. Sticking that during a person’s face while he pulls this style of nonsense is normally ample to lead them to rethink. It fairly seems like what he’s doing is having an affair. With his plan he will get to have his cake (you and the apartment and the youngsters) and consume it, too (the mistress). Until you already know for definite - no intercourse. He might already be diseased.

Answer 4

Your husband is a total jerk, who doesn't assume the responsibilities of a married life. He must be that kind of guy who thinks he's till 25 and doesn't want to stop have fun, even if he has kids, a caring wife like you and a nice home. Best thing to do is to talk to him about those issues, get his point of view, explain to him, he is not comitted to his reponsibilities & family as you wanted him to be, try counselling as well. If he still acts the same he was, u probably should think of leaving him for the sake of your kids and your own, though u might love him a lot.

Answer 5

Honey, you are in denial if you think that your husband is not cheating on you. The saying that love is blind applies to you. You might not like what you see, but step back and really open your eyes and your mind. Don't let the kids be an excuse to try to hang onto him as they are the ones that will suffer if you try to raise them in a strained environment such as the one that you are in.
However, since you have a feeling it might be something else try a sample separation. Do you have somewhere that you can go to or somewhere that he can go to? Somebody needs to get out and you both need to catch your breath before you re-try the relationship.

Answer 6

Seems to be a serious issue. I think u should try and talk with him directly over the issue. May he is having some problem with his job or may be he is dating somebody else. I think u should take care of ur husband if he is passing through some bad phase in his life

Answer 7

I think you should one day try following him. Make him think you are going to work and wait for him to leave and follow him. If not, call the show Cheaters that is if you dont mind being on tv. Hire a private investigator to prove his infidelity and then divorce him. There isn't any point in being with him if he is making you unhappy and stressed out.

Answer 8

Check him out.. I don't like saying things like that, but I had no idea what my hubby...ex now.. was up to ...only to find out he was up to "no good" hopefully that is not the case for you.

I sure wouldn't put up with all that stuff. He should be looking after the children and cleaning up the house and ...definitely not taking off for hours at a time..

Good Luck.. hope you can work it out.

Answer 9

First - I do think he is cheating on you
Second - Partially it is your fault, you don't want to be anything than working women and mother of two and trust me it's boring for everybody to live with "machine", change your life-stile!
Third - if the first part is right and you find out about it read second part and try to calm down and take some actions!

Answer 10

sounds like a husband in denial.
maybe you guys should have a talk.
if he refuses, wiegh out the pros and cons of the relationship and seek professional couples counseling before seperating.
sometimes seperation is a good place to start.....but then again it can be painful to see the truth during the seperation.