what can help take my mind off of having a baby?

Question

i have been married for 2 years, dated him for 6 years we are both 24, i want a baby and i dont think hes ever gonna be ready. before i maried him i made sure that kids were still in our plans. we love each other, and have a good relationship in every other area.. he talks about the future and kids in a positive way. but freaks out every time my period is not exactly on time and makes a theatrical thank you jesus when it finally gets here. he will not have sex unless he uses condoms yeah thats plural 2 of them everytime.. and he pulls out. if we dont have condoms we dont have sex. for the last year i have had this desire for a baby so bad. women that i know are having kids that are in no position to have them, and it makes me so jealous -we have 2 very good jobs, a stable lifestyle..dont party. i dont understand it but i know that i am seriously not gonna be having children when i am 30 years old i want to just get over it.. i hate the way i feel towards people with kids

i feel heartbroken and angry all at the same time. when i try to talk about having kids he gets nervous i know hes scared about it i would never set him up we have pets already. i just want to get rid of the desire for a baby right now

like i said money is not an issue. and im not trying to convince him of making a baby...i want to stop obsessing over it. and need some ideas how if n e 1 has ever been here b4

Answer 1

This must make you feel terribly frustrated.
I am an infertile person and have had to accept that children are out of the question now, but for you the desire is so strong!
I am sorry you have had to go through this and sorry that your husband is panicking at you getting a period.
His behaviour is rather strange, but I believe he has some intense, hidden fears. Being a parent is a full time responsibility and means that one's life will probably change. I would hope for the better. Obviously, with your husband there is a lot of fear and uncertainity. Perhaps when you spoke of it, prior to marriage, it just seemed all so far away and unrealistic, but now that you are married and having these strong desires, he is very reluctant.
The fact that you are only 24 is good. Your fertility has a long way to go. A lot of ladies are having their first babies in their mid-late thirties and even forties. Please don't think that I am making light of the subject as I know how much you desire a child.

Of course, the DINK's (double income no kids) life is great as well and there is so much you can do to fill your life.
Could there be some desires, dreams or goals your husband wants to fulfil before he settles down to a family?

I am not really sure what answer to give you but I do feel as though this warrants some extra family counselling.

My suggestion would be to continue to perservere. Speak to him about your desires and how hurt you feel at his changing attitudes now. Try not to pressure him or make accusations.

Some guys,as they mature, begin to desire having children as much as females do. They see their other guy friends having kids and throwing ball around with their sons in the park.
This comes with time, in some circumstances.

Be patient with your husband and maybe try and focus on your other goals and desires in life.
Maybe take this opportunity of doing as much as you can together while you are still "childfree". Work on your relationship and have fun.
If this matter warrants extra counselling, get some asap so that your relationship is not affected. Good luck! :)

Answer 2

It sounds to me like you are more in tune with your inner drive to reproduce than he is at this point. To give you more insight into both of these drives, you might want to read The Moral Animal: Why We Are, the Way We Are: The New Science of Evolutionary Psychology
by Robert Wright.

Do you have friends with children? It would be a good idea for both of you to be around children some, so you know what you are getting into.

He sounds very responsible and may want to be able to provide more for you and the child materially than he feels he can right now. Sounds like a keeper. Enjoy the child free life for now. You will NOT regret it later on when you DO have kids. You may even wish for some of the free time, without the tether of children. They really do harness you for a couple of decades.

After you have read that book, you will still have this desire, but you will understand it to a deeper level.

Depending on how mature he is, I just wonder if reverse psychology would work on him, and if you started making comments about waiting or considering not having children, would that freak him out? Make him start pushing for them? You know him better, only you could guess.

Answer 3

The only thing that can get a woman like you "over" the idea of having a baby is CHILDBIRTH.
You said that you SEALED THE DEAL with him on the issue of having kids BEFORE you got married. Well you had the right idea, but I think you missed a clause or two in the contract you made with him. Did you nail down a time frame with him?
Did you both agree on how many kids, & that they would be delivered & playing in the yard before you reached age 30?
Now's the time to sit down & re-negotiate this deal you made with him. Get ALL of your expectations on the table where the kids are concerned. If you two can't get together on this, then you'll have to either compromise your way out of motherhood, or get yourself a new husband.

Answer 4

you are still pretty young and have plenty of time to start having children. make it clear that you are going to have a baby at some point and your husband needs to know your plan. set a time frame for the two of you as a couple and then a period in the future when you agree to start a family.

just to let you know, using two condoms at once is a really bad idea. the friction causes them to break more often.

Answer 5

Well first of all just because your friends are having them doesn't mean you should as well. You both need to be in the right state of mind or you will be bringing a child into a strained marriage. If you knew in the beginning that he wanted children later rather than sooner, then you shouldn't be upset. You laid the foundation and now you are regretting it because you feel babies are cute, jealous of your friends, etc. I think you're being a bit unreasonable, you aren't old and your biological clock isn't ticking. Enjoy your life for now, in the end when it happens you'll feel better than you waited till it was right for the both of you.

Answer 6

it sounds like that he is afraid of change. this is how i was too. my husband wanted kids so bad that he couldn't stand it. but i wanted to wait until i finished school. i was also just afraid because it was something new. i am scared of change. i finally got off of bc last july because of the pressures from my hubby. i felt sick because it was such a huge change for me. i had been on bc for 5 years. i got pregnant 3 months later, and i wouldn't change it for anything now.

you really need to talk to him because your desire for children won't go away. and you shouldn't want it to go away. it is your right to have children if you want them. this is what God put us here for. in the Bible there was a man who let his let his sperm "spill upon the ground" so as not to get the woman pregnant and God killed him!

i have never heard of a man being so paranoid that he would wear two condoms and pull out. you need to get to the bottom of this and find out why he is so scared to have kids.

plus, what is wrong with having kids at 30? it is better late than never, which 30 isn't late anyways. i could see myself having kids until i'm 35.

don't give up. torment him until he gives in. and if it looks like it won't happen then poke holes in the condoms!!!!!!

Answer 7

its perfectly normal to have these desires, but i think you need to ask him, when he will be ready for children, because you are ready now,so what if he gets nervous about it..if it is something bothering you, he had better take the time and listen to you, he"s your husband, he should.
you have to sit down with him and make him listen to you..or you might be in trouble, do not hold these feelings in..and i'm sorry there is nothing going to make you stop desiring children..you can get a hobby to fill your time, but this is a natural feeling, when you love someone..i hope everything works out...

Answer 8

Thin about it..why do you have this great desire to have a baby? Pregnancy and childbirth are not exactly pleasant,( think episiotomy, they cut your vagina with a pair of scissors) and then you will have this screaming infant dependent on you for the next 21 years. You will never be able to sleep when you want and relax when you want, thin about that. All the stretch marks and saggy boobs...you're better off without, trust me.

Answer 9

When he's using 2 condoms instead of one, chances are greater that you'll get pregnant than if he would use condoms properly. That's really stupid of him. If he doesn't want to get you pregnant, he should use one condom! Using two condoms increases the chances of condoms breaking.

As for the rest of your question, I can't help you since I'm childfree and seriously cannot understand why anyone would want to breed.

Answer 10

ask yourself and search deep inside why you obsess on a baby right now. usually when the thought of having a baby interferes with your thinking (as you state you need help on) there is other issues behind wanting to have a baby immediately.
I am just saying tone it down a notch with the baby thing. :)