Time to end my marriage?

Question

I was in love with a beautiful woman for 14 years. Unfortunately, I got caught up in a bad job, heavy workload, stress and an abusive boss. My hours slowly began to increase over a 2 year period and I had to travel around the world. Over the past year I worked 16 hour days plus weekend work, conference calls along with being tied to a blackberry. I was trapped and did not know how to get out of it. I nearly died from the workload and stress. We needed my paycheck to pay for private school, my wife’s compulsive shopping for stuff, home repairs and improvements, dogs, vet bills, dog walkers and so on. My wife has a part-time job and I gave her total control over our finances when my son was born 9 years ago. She said it was a trust issue. During this time we spent everything that I made. In addition, my wife wanted to be independent and have a balance between career and being a mom. My salary fronted 3 different business ventures for her that all failed and cost us tens of thousands over the years.
I am ashamed of myself but under extreme stress I yelled at my son twice. I think I have yelled at him 5 times in 9 years. I also got close to my wife one day and raised my voice to her. I apologized later but she yelled at me for something and I don’t know what I was doing. I yelled at my wife maybe twice in our 13 years together. We used to kid each other about our families until one day she did not find it funny. I agreed we would not make fun of our families. Also, she said I made mean comments about them when in fact they were insensitive, they were not meant as mean. Things I said were “I wish I had time to go out for ice cream”
My wife claims she tried to get me out of my crisis, I remember just her yelling at me that I am never home and I would reply with what can I do for now. I did try looking for another job but I had to maintain a level of income to pay for the above. I spoke to a counselor who told me my wife has underdeveloped coping skills. She did what she knew how to under stress. I am sure she thought I was having an affair or I did not love my family. In fact, I have never really bought myself anything over the years, never hung out or took weekends with the guys and even gave up watching sports to be with them. Even though I was controlled by my job I was still doing it out of love and to give them a better life. The counselor informed me that my wife had to invent some reason for her depression because of her lack of coping skills. She had to come up with the reasons within parameters that allowed her to develop a course of action. During this time she never got a babysitter to take me out of the house to talk to me. Did not offer to come to my job and have lunch to see my environment. Never tried to get her family to watch my child and take me away for a weekend to talk me out of my crisis. I can understand, she probably thought she would learn something she did not want to know. She did not even suggest we go to counseling before she unleashed hell on me. In June she started to talk to me about my relationship with my son. I heard her and was working towards winding down my workload. I did not know she was in crisis. Two months later she calmly told me how she “checked out”, she lost her best friend and I had to work my way back into their lives. I got this and understood that I had to take control back over my life. Unfortunately, it was too late and now we are in marriage counseling. My wife says it will not work because she can’t get past the fact that I was mean and she can’t understand under extreme stress, people can act out of character.
My wife has a double standard, during our life together she struck me across the face twice. She has not done it since I warned her. While I was in my work frenzy she constantly yelled at our son and said, “You see how he is and you know why I yell”.
She exhibits periods of road rage and even tried to run over an old man that stole her parking space. All excusable because sometimes you do get mad; but I can’t.
The worse part, prior to her final conversation she plotted a specific course of action. She attempted to build a case and file a complaint against me as an abusive spouse. I dedicated my life to her and she tried to jeopardize my ability to see my son, future relationships and even potential employment. All because I worked myself into exhaustion and yelled at her once. When she could not get any independent parties to back this claim based on my actions she did something else. She posted an ad on the internet and began dating other men. After our talk and while I was working back into our relationship she was actively dating. Even in marriage counseling she was still dating. I found out by accident, she took time off from work, arranged for babysitters, tried to hook up while my son attended an event. I read all the emails. She slept with another man and I had to read all the details. She wrote terrible things about being married, that I was a violent man and that my son was a burden. Of course in between acting like a prostitute and just staying with me for the paycheck while she played the field. The married man she was involved with even offered to pay her for sex. She endangered the welfare of our child, she could have been stalked at home or beaten during one of her “meetings” and no one would know her whereabouts.
Anyway, I forgave her and took responsibility for this saying I created the conditions. She never said she was sorry. It looked like we were getting back together, still going to counseling and I even flushed my career. I told my employer that I was moving my family back to her home state. That’s when things changed, for the past 6 weeks she has administered an extreme emotional and psychological beating on me. All under the guise of that I am mean and she is afraid of me.

Am I really the mean one?

We have never told the counselor about her actions and behaviors. My wife likes to ask for advice from an online organization. She never tells them what she has done. I found her latest email, 2 days after I flushed my career she wrote them that she does not like me and would not even date me.

In our last session she basically said that she liked her life and I was security but she can’t get past my actions. She said she is afraid because she knows as a single mom she will start yelling at my son. I guess all I ever was to her is a paycheck.

I have come to my senses and I am both sad and mad. I intend to issue an ultimatum this week that I know my wife will reject. I don’t think I love her anymore and can’t believe she killed feelings I had for her that lasted this long. I am afraid of her and ashamed at what she has done and tried to do to me. Am I crazy for trying to give her a last chance? I keep thinking that if she gets her act together our lives will be even better. Am I just stupid and hopelessly in love? I am also afraid of how she will treat our son as she tries to land her next sugar daddy. She will have a hard time finding another me. I am in the 30% club, never cheated, never took for myself and always thought of their needs first. Should I change when I start my new life?

Answer 1

you don't sound mean but you should really condense your question. and if it was me i would take my son and go back were you came from. then file for divorce if you don't take your son she will just use your him for a paycheck.and if you saved those emails were she said he was a burden and the others were she cheated on you it will go a long way in court then she will get nothing god luck.

Answer 2

I am a firm beliver that their are two sides too every story. As a wife myself I can relate to the overstressed husband. It sounds as if you have taken measures to resolve this issue. Furthermore, this counselor can be of no help unless you tell him/her the ENTIRE story, Gory details and all. A little embarassment is a small price to pay for saving a marriage. I would make my son and his welfare my highest priority. Is staying together more damaging then divorcing? That is a question that only you, as his parents can answer. You both know what kind of effect this is having on him. However, your son will grow up and have a life of his own someday. Do you want to be stuck in a loveless marriage til then? You need to seek individual counciling for all of these issues. It will help you cope with the feelings and strong emotions you are having. Air out your problems. Just you without your wife. If your wife chooses too, wonderful, if not, you can not make her. You also cannot make her tell the truth. Trust is an issue in any relationship. I have been there and am there now. Can sympothize! Don't take your baggage from a previous relationship or life into a new relationship or life. However; do not forget what you have been through. Use it as a learning tool. Don't make the same mistake twice! Don't beat yourself up for things you have no control over. Do the best you can. As long as you can look "The man in the mirror with a clear conscience" then that is all that matters. GooD Luck I wish you and your family the very best.

Answer 3

Honestly I can't help but wonder why you would hold on so long... all this time you have been the abused spouse and she obviously took you for granted. I'm very sorry for all that you have been through and can certainly understand that it will be hard to trust anyone else. However I firmly believe that there is someone out there who will love you for all that you are willing to do for your family and can only hope that one day your wife will see just how good she really had it. Often we marry someone thinking that we truly know them,but are blinded to their ways by our love for them and unable to admit that we truly deserve so much better. A lesson which sadly I just found out for myself also. I wish I had the words to make everything ok but just know that someone outhere cares and hopes that you find true happiness that seems so unattainable now. Best wishes to you.

Answer 4

You know the answer - DIVORCE. Try to get your son away from her with any reason, take every evidence of her cheating and having bad influence on your son. Maybe things that I'm saying are hard to understand for loving husband, but try to think about it as loving father - I'm a mom too, today I'm trying to save my family life (crisis) and of course it will be terrible if my husband tries to separate me from my children, but if your wife is a monster that you described here, she doesn't deserve to have the opportunity to raise your child. She doesn't deserve your love, just divorce her and try to start life over again. It's hard but it has to be done and not in future but today!
Good Luck

Answer 5

I feel for you, as I was in a similar marriage for 12 years, and I will wager that if she were evaluated she would match the diagnosis that me ex-wife has/had.

Let me guess. You feel like you have been walking on eggshells for most of your marriage, right? That --like the old nursery rhyme says --when things were good with the wife they were very very good, but when they are bad they are rotten -- as in utter hell.

Unfortunately I am going to encourage you to not threaten to leave immediately, even though my recommendation is for you to get the hell out.

Problem is, you need to build a pretty good case file that will show that you should have custody of your child(ren) before you pull the trigger. But you will also have to be very very careful to not give her any ammunition -- which she will be looking for in order to get more $$ when you do leave.

You must get primary custody for your sons well being and emotional stability, and also for your own well being. Even 50/50 is no good because to get it your divorce will cost much more, but as the main wage earner you will end up paying a lot of child support.

Give her three months, but don't name the time period. Build the file and be ready to file on a moments notice.

Feel free to contact me offline -- a number of good souls helped me through my fiery trial and it is only right that I pay it forward and maybe see if there is something I can do to help.

Answer 6

sounds as if she is accusing you of all the things she is actually doing, trust issues? when she is the one who cheated. you failed to set boundaries with her, you allowed her to be in complete control of everything. when u are in complete control of yourself, u can give and sacrifice for loved ones in a helpful way instead of giving in to a destructive behavior. she found falt with you because she had to justify her cheating, she had to find acceptable reasons why she cheated, so she wouldn't have to take the responsibility for her wrong. work on yourself, don't focus on her and the past. betrayal is a hard thing to get over, and she doesn't hold herself accountable for any of the problems, even though she is partly responsible. your guilty of loving her too much, providing too well, and not speaking up when indeed it was you who were abused by her.when u start your new life and meet a new woman, set boundaries, boundaries are not for the other person, but for u. set boundaries on what kind of treatment you will accept from the women you get involved with.so face up to this, you know what u got to do here for your own sanity.

Answer 7

Hell's Teeth! What a sad story!

I do want to say one thing in your wife's defence..although you say you stuck to that job for the benefit of your family, I suspect you gained some psychological & emotional benefit.

That said, it's time for you to move on. Your wife is so angry & bitter towards you, I really can't see her ever treating you right again.

It's a scary thing to leave the comparitive safety of even a bad marriage..but once you've done so, you'll feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.

Good luck!

Answer 8

If you two are in counseling - and she hasn't fessed up to her infidelities- she should- it should all be laid out on the table- there is two side to the story- and I don't know what kind of counselor you have- you need a finacial management couse - Crown Financial Min. has great resources- I would rather have the things money can't buy- like attention- love and affection!! Money can buy a house- not a home- it can buy food but not health- it can buy sex but not love- there are things more important than money- downsize and save yourself- i hope and pray it all works out for you!! D

Answer 9

When you start your new life all you should change is being sure that the person involved in your life actually cares for you and does not see you as just a paycheck; but loves you in return! Take care of your son: I think she will be too busy taking care of herself to give him much attention! Good luck and be happy!

Answer 10

It sounds like you need to print your question you wrote and give a copy to your marriage counselor to let he/she know the truth about your marriage. If your wife thought she was really losing you, I'm sure she would realize what she really has! I hope you guys can get past this and have a happier life. It's really hard when kids are involved. Good Luck.

Answer 11

now that your not working all the time have you taken the time to spend with your family. have you done things for her. beleive it or not but when you did work all them hours it does take a toll on the women. that doesnt give her a reason to cheat but does cause alot of stress and anger. i dont know everything that happened between you too but i think that she should be willing to try again and so should you. be more involved with her and your son. they need you.