At what point do you give up on your kid?

Question

She is 22, mostly mentally ill, just released from an institution, but she isn't that crazy because she is real street smart. I'm not.She makes "friends" with people she barely knows and I can't believe her smarts in some areas and stupidity otherwise.

when she is really on the skids, I get a call to come save her, but it i s killing me physically and emotionally.

I don't know how to process this.

Answer 1

it is not a matter of "giving up" on your kid,
but finding the answer to what is best,
best for you and best for your kid.

You want to continue to 'be there'
and you want to start balancing your efforts.
By definition, a mentally ill person like your child
doesn't act in their own best interests,
hence they make the same mistakes repeatedly.
One role you can do is seek out mental health services
and suggest them to your daughter in a smart manner.
Another role for you is to 'explain' her condition
to authorities, friends and others who confront her behavior.
You don't have to house her any longer,
nor clothe her, nor provide transportation or communication.
You don't have to have her on your insurance.
You don't HAVE to do any more than you think you can,
nor anymore than you think is worthwhile for her.
You can let her suffer some natural consequences
and hope that she is able to learn from life,
yet again, you should be there to advocate for her,
to explain her mental illness, and push for services.

You must provide her an image of what life should be, could be
in your own home life. You have a door to your home,
and you close out some, welcome in others,
and she must learn boundaries for herself as well.
You will model those good behaviors, that good lifestyle.

In doing so, you will set clear, concise limits on her.
Your expectations must be known, stated up front.
EG, there is a time and manner to come to your home.
Your home is not a 24 hr quick mart/motel/taxi service.
You expect her to visit by calling your first, not dropping in,
and to come alone, not with friends, and to 'visit' you,
not to come to do laundry and get fed or sleep and watch TV.
She will tell you quick enough that she isn't a child, is an adult
and that you can't tell her what to do anymore.
Well, you are an adult and she can't tell you what to do,
and she can selectively be your child, then your peer.
She has NO more power over you than you give her.
Remember, with the mentally ill, the more power they have,
the more out of control their lives become.

What times are your home open to visitation?
When she comes, do you want a time she leaves?
Do expect her to call you at a set time each day/week/month.
Do expect her to come visit you at a time/day YOU set.
The more control you take, the more in control she will be.

Tell her you will NOT help her live a certain lifestyle.
That means you will not give her cash, ever.
that means you will not give her means
to be where, to act how, to be with who, brings her down.

If she wants a car, she must get a job and work for it.
If she says she can't get a job without a car,
you take her downtown to see people get off busses and taxis.
You can buy her ONE bus pass, and expect her to buy the next.
When she gets money, expect her to budget it out,
so that she can handle not only the foreseen, but the unexpected.

Remember, money might be a problem for her,
but MONEY isn't the problem. It's her mental illness.
All the money in the world won't fix her mind.

Be prepared to go to the 'soup kitchen' with her,
paying for a meal there, where she can go to eat.
Educate yourself about where she can get services,
such as wash her clothes and find a bed for the night.
Talk to the people who run shelters and get advice.
They've seen it all, and will tell you youth are tough to help.

I can only guess what her behaviors are,
but I know that they repeat themselves
and that they get worse, not better, with time.

Give her times that she can call your home.
After hours, have your machine catch the calls.
The police will come to get you if need be.
You go to bed and get your sleep, keeping your sanity.

If she is living with you, have rules and consequences.
Be sure you can enforce them, and will.
She doesn't have to date, doesn't have to go to movies,
doesn't have to leave the house unless you approve.
she needs to get her life together before all else.

Tell her what her condition is, describe the mental illness,
just as the doctors explained it to you, and tell her often.
Tell her what you want her to do, and why.
You have to have your life in order.

You want her to have lots of routines.
she must get up at a set time every morning.
She must shower and put on clean clothes.
Her bed must be made, and her surfaces in order,
and that means nothing thrown on the floor,
nothing covering, cluttering the drawer tops.
She must leave her room and do something.
Watching TV is NOT good for her mental health.
She can listen to the radio as she washes clothes,
and she should wash a load every day.

Order in daily life makes for order in her brain.
IF she goes on the "skids" have her call 911.
Don't keep seeing her go further and further down,
but try to set a limit to what you are able to handle.

You are not a drug rehab, a police department, or hospital.
When she has problems, you demand that she enter a program.
you must know what the programs are ahead of time.

Don't buy into "I'll go back to school" to avoid working now.
Demand that she talk to you when she is doing well.
Talk about how to manage her disability.
Tell her you love her, but that you have limits on your support.

I'll bet she smokes. I would NOT buy her cigarettes at all.
IF you smoke, you can share yours as you like,
but expect her to work for hers. Who will hire her?
You might engineer her a part time job with someone.
If nothing else, you can have her volunteer.

Set your rules, state your expectations,
and act like you are in charge, even if you are not.
Say too little, rather than too much.
she has NO pity on you, so don't show your anguish.
Keep saying, even as you deny her something,
that you know she is going to get it together.
Remind her that others can get along in the world,
and you know she can too. Don't tell her she is incompetent.
You can tell her she isn't ready for this or that decision.

If you are her payee for SSI, then budget it out and be stern.
I've lived it, and I failed, but I know you must try,
and one part of trying is to protect yourself from burn out.
then you will not even be in touch, and you will lose one another.

Answer 2

Give a kid a fish she'll eat for a day.
TEACH a kid to fish and she'll eat for a lifetime.
Remember that book in high school?

Decent doctors and meds can help with the mental thing. She may have impulse control issues that lead to her making stupid decisions. But those people are usually pretty popular because they are spontaneous and "fun".

Sounds like she was sheltered a bit much. Always there to bail her out? Now you need to show her how to be an adult and take some responsibility for herself. She needs to be taught skills that revolve around accountability and responsibility. Don't give up, don't pay up... but give tough love!

Answer 3

Never give up on your child if they don't have you who else do they have.I hope things get better for you and if you wont bring in someone that knows about her mental state.Good luck.

Answer 4

pray a lot remember with god all thing are possible never give up on you kid god is all ways Thar Thur the good time and bad god bless good luck to both of you

Answer 5

Maybe you need to stop taking care of her when she is on the skids. She cant always depend on you and she needs to learn how to start to take care of herself.

Answer 6

To answer you primary question: "Never".

However, you sound like you need some professional help to ease the load. Get it.

Answer 7

you NEVER give up on your kid..no matter how hard it is...i'm 18 i would never want my parents to give up on me no matter how mentally ill i was..it would kill me to see my parents not caring for me anymore..like wise i woul dnever do such a thing to my child NEVER...you should love you child and cherish them

Answer 8

It is hard, but you can never really give up on them. Hope it gets better.

Answer 9

i wish there were meds for this, she seems to have many sucessful making traits cept the one thing.. never give up on your kid what else do they have

Answer 10

dont ever give up on her always be there when she needs you maybe you guys should seek counseling together