Help.... my partners daughter is unbearable.....?

Question

My partner and I have been together for 3 years now and her daughter who is 11 is very disrespctful...I also have 2 daughters (10 and 6) and my daughters dont treat my partner the way her daughter treats me they love and cherish her as there mom.her daughter walks around and doesnt speak for months and my partner tells me I should talk to her about it.I personally dont think its my job to talk to her about respect it is her mothers job . Also her daughter runs and tells her family everything that goes on in our house so I dont wanna talk to her and make things worst since im an outsider (To her family).It is taking a toll on me and it is straining our relationship What can I do?

oh and now its really bad cause she does play tug of war with me u know ..like if I call my partner to come here she will call her to go to her....I dont feel like I should have to play games with a child ....

zero cool ......I raised my chidren to be respectful to adults .....That is why there relationship is the way it is....her child is use to getting her way with everyone...EXCEPT ME..

LARRY .....This is about respect she aint gotta like me she aint gotta love me but she will RESPECT me.

the relationship with my children and my partner can about on its own my children are loving well ajusted and RESPECTFUL.

Her daughter is spoiled and use to getting what she wants.

I dont seperate them cause I am with my partners daughter more then I am with my own children my ex and I have joint custody and they are with there dad during the week because they loved there school and they wanted to stay so we compromised.I have them on weekends and breaks from school(spring,summer, winter,)

my partners family treats me as an outsider,But my family even my ex in laws treat her and her child like family.

Answer 1

If you're partners, raising the children together, then you ARE her mother. You may not be her biological mother but it's become just as much your job as your partners job to be a parent. You say that your children love and cherish your partner as a mother... so obviously you approve of YOUR children thinking of HER as a mother. Why would you change the rules between HER daughter and YOURSELF? Because it'd be easier to leave the parenting up to her? Don't slack. Take on the responsibility that you made your own when you agreed to join your two lives.

Talk to your partners daughter. Ask why she won't speak to you. Let her get angry. Let her tell you exactly what's wrong and ask what the both of you can do to make the situation livable and even agreeable.

I know this comes across as harsh and I'm sorry... but honestly, you can't expect her to be a parent and mother to your children and then expect to NOT be a parent and mother to HER child.

Answer 2

First of all, when you and your partner joined lives you became her second mom. Don't seperate the children like that, or seperate yourself from her that way. You are all family plain and simple. (my stepmother always called me "my husband's daughter" and it hurt and made me very resentful).
Second, it would probably be best for you to sit your partner down and have this conversation with her first. You need to present a united front with the child. It's not war, and you don't want it to become one. But you both need to be on the same page.
Third, yes she probably is resentfull. This is normal! Let her express her feelings. Maybe she just can't verbalize it yet. She probably feels like you took her mom away from her. And if "your" daughters have such a great relationship with your partner, her daughter may feel like the "odd-man-out". Let her know how much she means to you, and what an important part of the family she is.

Hope this helps!

Answer 3

Girl i have the same problem-my partner has 6 kids and 2 of then just hate me.They don't respect me.I get walked all over,i try my best to keep quiet and i stay in the bedroom alot to avoid issues,but it has really taken a toll on the relationship,and my own personal self.I can totally understand what you are going through.If i had kids they would respect who i was with or get their butts tore up.I was raised to have respect for people and i expect the same in return. To tell you what to do-well i wish i could,but i can't even help my own self.Their mother always takes their sides and i don't understand why!The kids rule in this house,and thats so so bad.I really love my partner-but a person can only take so much!I want someone to love and share my life with -without all the issues of kids with attitudes,and issues about their mother being with me,but my life just is not that way!
I think i am a good person and am good to my g/f,but her kids try everything under the sun to split us up-so u tell me-what do i do?

Answer 4

This is tough. It loooks like your partner's daughter needs to be disciplined. You should talk to your partner about this. Because you shoulder the responsibility of discipling her daughter as well. Your life partners now, and your also her mother by that. But ask your partner for suggestions on how you should approach her daughter. It's important to maintain respect while discipline is being enforced. That's why you should consult your partner on this. Also, always remember that respect is not given. It is earned. Try to do things that can encourage your partner's daughter to respect you. Best of luck!

Answer 5

Well there...take a deep breath.... Relax....

For starters.. It is you and your partners problem and as a family you need to resolve the issues of disrespect. You are not an outsider- or are you??? Where do you position yourself in the family? You may need to have a very serious discussion with your partner regarding privacy, and perhaps take the iscussion to the extended family as well. No one should be entertaining this child's rants- it reinforces the element that you are not a family. Decide whether or not you are a family and behave like one!

It is your responsibility to demand respect from your (partner's) daughter! It is your responsibility to be included in the bigger family picture. Perhaps you need tpo reevaluate your position and make it known to all just exactly what it is ......

Remeber that children too deserve respect, showing a child respect includes setting expectations and boudaries. If you do not create respect for yourself who will? Furthermore, if you do not demand respect for yourself what sort of example are you giving the three girls you are raising?? Remeber to keep your discussion about this light and forthright. Keep remarks such as "she always", "she does this" etc out of the discussion. Always insist on what it is you DO want, not what has happened or what you do not want. Remember to thank all three of your daughters when they speak to you or refer to you respectfully.

When you have your resolution chat it may help to say "I need you to speak to me in a way that is gentle and kind, we all need to work on using our voices kindly" Remeber whenever it happens to say things like " Thank you Jane for speaking to me in such a great way" or "Is there anything else you would like to share" Etc etc.

Good Luck

Answer 6

I know that you are not responsible for their upbringing before they came to you... but this is what you seriously need to get your head around... they weren't either. those kids are confused, distressed and unsure of what the heck is going on. I know its difficult - but try to imagine life in their shoes. what did you achieve by being distant the other day? Nothing. what do you achieve by deciding that one is ok cos she seems fine but the other one is a pain or deliberately bad? Nothing go back to the drawing board - speak to social services and may I say it stop acting so bloody resentful that you have these kids to deal with. oh and I retract my first sentence - you were responsible for the welfare of your kids from the moment they were born ... following on from your edit. just because you think that there are no problems with the younger child doesn't mean that there isn't and doesn't mean that there won't be.

Answer 7

I agree with you the instruction for this child needs to come from her mother.
My partner is very good instructing our 11 year old about respect. I am lucky I have such a great relationship with her.
I wish you the best of luck, i know it is hard.

Answer 8

If you've been there for three years then you hardly count as an outsider, talk to the child and try to solve the problem. She may just feel the same way about you that I did about my step-dad. He first came around when I was nine and I despised him for about four years or so. It's natural among many children.

Answer 9

In my opinion, this is her daughter and she needs to talk with her and teach her about respect. I think it's very rude of your partner not to talk with her daughter and punish her if she is being rude and obnoxious. You could also try family counseling if want. Sometimes that helps with a mediator in the room. Best of luck to you and your family.

Answer 10

Do you want to let her ruin what you two have together? If no, then talk to the daughter and get to the root of the problem. If it's too much a GLBT friendly family therapsit might need to be called in.