i am 17 what do you think of this poem i just wrote please please answer and please please be honest??

Question

You’re haunting me.
I can feel you all around,
Though you rarely make a sound.
You talk just to remind me,
That I am still in your thoughts,
And that you’re still in my head.
Emotions flood my eyes,
As you break down my disguise.
I try to push you away.
But you’re just too strong…
What did I do wrong?
To make you hunt me down.
Over and over again.
I’m tired of running,
But I refuse to give in.
Again.
I’m just tired of letting you win.
And every time I tell you
To please don’t come near me,
I know that you can hear me.
But you just make me feel
Like I am the one to blame.
And I back down.
Again.
And as I fall
With my life crashing around me
You hold out your hand and tell me you’ll save me.
But as I look around
I realize that you’re the one that pushed me down.
And I’d rather stay here with nothing to reach for
Then take your hand
And be pushed down once more.
I just can’t be hurt anymore…..
I won’t back down.
Again…….

Answer 1

It okay as far as poems go. Emotive. But a little disorganized.

There isn't much of a meter to speak of... instead you deliver the lines in short bursts. I'm pretty cool with that, actually.

Your rhyme scheme throws me off a bit, in that some things rhyme but most do not. It keeps me looking for rhymes were there aren't any and significance in the few couples that do rhyme that doesn't seem to be there. I can see how that might be your goal... if so, good job.

On the other hand, looking for something that ISN'T there seems to be the exact opposite of the intent of the text of your poem, which instead seems to emphasize always seeing something which IS there. Again, if it's your very subtle intent to suggest that the text of your poem is wrong and most of your demons are completely in year head, you've done a good job. Otherwise, I would recommond shifting the rhyme scheme a bit; either obliterating it entirely, using it for extra emphasis on critical couplets, or making almost everything rhyme so you can stress non-rhyming sections of 'falling' and the like.

The text of your poem seems to be at odds with itself at times too. You talk of being 'in disguise' and 'running' but you also talk about being 'all around' and close enough to 'push away'. So which is it? Are you close or far? A disguise only can be broken down if it lasts long enough to be built up, and you can only run if you're out of arm's reach. Either way (or even both, if they're more separated) works for the poem, I think, but I also think you need to sort it out a bit better.

Likewise, you surrender in the second repetition yet insist that you'll never surrender in the other two. You may be making a point about your own weakness in addition to the other person's cloying cruelty, but this is discordant with other lines such as 'What did I do wrong?'. Again, you need to decide whether serious self-recrimination is going to be part of the theme, in which case you need to bring it out more, or whether you prefer instead to focus on the relationship solely, in which case some of this needs to be changed a bit.

As a fine touch, I recommend removing line 5 altogether "That I am still in your thoughts". It distracts from the focus which is otherwise entirely about you. Likewise, 'emotions flooding your eyes' is a little purple, if you know what I mean - EMOTIONS do not flood eyes, and since some argue that the eyes are the window to the soul, ANY emotion could 'flood' your eyes. You need to be more specific and less cliche.

All in all, I think you've either got a pretty good start here or you need to work slightly on your subtleties. I wouldn't take all the time to point this out if I didn't think you could do it! Good work so far!

Answer 2

the first line is typical, so try to make it more unique, the idea is good and when you say the line i realize that you're the one that oushed me down, was really good, but you cant make your poem like everyone else, you should put some metaphors and don't use drowning ,hauting, the whole dead thing is really so used, so again good concept but it sounds like the drama of high school.

Answer 3

some beautiful imagery.

It is so important to get your empotions and feelings out and on paper. Never stop writing.

As far as publishing it goes though, it is really hard to market poetry and love/break-up poetry is even harder to convince a publisher to publish.

Good luck though and keep up the determination.

Answer 4

wow sweetheat, i was never into the whole poem thing well i love reading it but i cant write it i am so jealous of you that was very well written and even though this sounds cliche, but u can realli feel it. Its a bit scary i hope ur ok

Answer 5

Nice
but it is a liitle long
people dont have time to read such long poems
i feel that there was sombody in your life who has betrayed you
and you are trying to find out reasons

The feelings in the poem can be related to the feelings of tengaers about your age

Answer 6

its good. i like how you make it rhyme sometimes. cause when some people do it it sounds really bad. but when you do it it fits perfectly, like a puzzle. the middle starts to get twisted. try revising it or just cut it. maybe seperate the poem into different sections. like seperate paragraphs-itll make it flow better.

Answer 7

this poem is ideal. Dont hardship approximately what the haters ought to assert, they are in basic terms jealous. you are able to truly relate to this poem. i hit upon this as an incredible belongings in poets and poems! it is staggering carry on!!!

Answer 8

its pretty good. watch your syntax, stay on point, and carry through.
youve done well, though.

dont stop. for some of us its the emotions that drive this stuff from us.

if you really feel it, write it.

you had the courage to post it. can you live it?

Answer 9

that was mint i wish i could rite poems like that it sounded so meaningful and emotional. The rhyme was so unusaual but because it was different it was great.

Well done!

Answer 10

HI FRIEND
poem tells me u r a bit scared
as far as comments r concerned it is really gud
well just to add i wuld like to tell u THAT NO ONE IN THIS WORLD HAS A POWER TO HURT U
AN AS FAR AS POSSIBLE DONT LET ANYONE HVE THAT POWER ON U