What are our options?

Question

My husband and I live together in the USA. He has a 5yr old daughter with his ex-wife, and they live in Aruba.
-She would call his phone once (sometime twice) per week, asking for money for all kinds of random expenses. My husband would send money because she told him she was not working. Unfortunately, just a few months ago we found out that she has been working for years, and earning a tidy sum…even tidier when you add all the money that my husband sent. When he did not have the money to send, she would refuse to let him speak to the child.
-And when he did speak with the child, she would take the phone and tell the child what to say.

-In the divorce decree, the court ordered that he pay US$200 per month for child maintenance. In addition to that, my husband spoke with a lawyer, and drafted a letter stating that he would send $200 per month as his contribution to the child, and also pay 50% of the child’s school fee. At the time, my husband was working 2 jobs just to make ends meet. This letter was signed by my husband in the presence of a notary public, and sent along with a copy of the divorce papers to the ex-wife.
-I do not know if she is crazy or just plain stupid, but instead of signing the letter, she discarded and drafted a letter of her own. She stated there-in that may husband would pay $300 per month, along with 100% of the school fees, and all back-to-school expenses. She also stipulated that he must send and extra amount on the child’s birthday.
-That being said we disregarded her letter, but kept it on file, as proof that she has disagreed with the court order.

-The divorce decree specifically ordered that she is responsible for all medical expenses concerning the child, as she is the custodial parent and she is residing overseas. I do not know how that child is still alive, because the number of calls we get about her being sick and having medical problems have not declined.
-Financial hardship exists everywhere, and my husband and I are no strangers to it. We have not been able to fly home in 4 years, because we just cannot afford to do that when we are supporting the child.
-Year after year, we request photographs and school reports, and even a school calendar. The mother agrees, and we have nothing…she has admitted that she has sent nothing. There is always an excuse, even though we sacrifice and send money just for that.

-The make matters worse my husband had to be hospitalized in September and October because of an accident at his job. The insurance did not cover it, and the company refused to compensate us…so of course, we were BROKE. I called the mother and explained the situation to her, and also told her that we would not be able to send any money until we were back on our feet again, and had our expenses sorted out. She did not like to hear this, but she said she was okay with that nonetheless.
-Can anyone explain to me then, why she proceeded to terrorize us, accusing us of “breach of contract”, and “deciding not to support the child”? Every Monday morning religiously, she would call. Until we stopped returning her phone calls altogether. Then, she would call every day, simply saying the most disgusting things you could think of.

-I imagined that at some point she would have a conscience, but all she wanted was the money. So then what did we do? We changed our telephone numbers. My husband is in physical therapy, dealing with her is simply a waste of time.
-It is almost the end of the Christmas term, so my husband and I have been contacting the school to find out how to send money to them for the term, and how much the fees are ect. According to the mother the fee was $600 every term (3 terms per school year). The bursar at the school informed us that this was NOT so. The fee is $550 for the Christmas term, and $500 in total for the rest of the year. Not only that, but there was a balance owed on the child’s account.

-Finding out all of this, my husband and I have decided, to send money directly for the school, and send a few packages per year for the child. The mother will not touch another dollar sent by us, because:
-1. We do not trust her.
-2. We have reason to believe that money sent for the child’s well-being and education has been spent on purchasing a house.
-3. That woman stole from us, lied to us, the proceeded to interfere with us, and threaten our well-being.

It has got to stop, and I just want to hear from anyone who might have experience with this sort of thing, how to handle it legally.

Please Help.

It is "WE" because when my husband was disabled I had to communicate with her...and as man and wife, "we" stand as a united front...

People, do not be naive. Not all men are stupid...forever...and whether I'm his wife, or just an onlooker like you all, I can already tell you, that he'd sooner leave me for another woman than for that woman...BOND BROKEN.

Answer 1

First, they are in Aruba, US law doesn't apply there. Nor does Aruban law apply here. If you want to fight her over these issues, then you need to either bring her and the child to the US, or go to Aruba and hire a lawyer and fight her under Aruban law. It is admirable that you want to pay for the child's education, and I think sending the money for that to the school is more than adequate, of course, she must allow the child to attend, which she may not out of sheer spite. I would not send another penny to her, not one. IF she claims medical costs, ask her where, and contact them yourself as you did the school and make arrangements for the child's treatment cost. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE SEND HER ANY MORE MONEY. Unfortunately, the money you have already sent her is a total loss, you cannot recover a penny, but learn from the past and don't repeat it.

Answer 2

You have a lot of "facts" here that may or may not be proveable in a court, and may or may not matter depending on which other facts are proven.

Now, here's a fact for him: No matter what your husband does, his daughter is being raised to hate him anyway. He might be able to communicate the truth to the child "someday", but that isn't going to increase in likelihood by destroying his immediate family (that's you, by the way.)

He needs to just do as little as possible until the relationship otherwise becomes reasonable. Send what the court order says, no more, no less. If that's not enough for her, let her sue. If that's more than you two can afford, petition for a change in amount due to changed circumstances.

Your husband will need to grieve over the loss of the child, but it's either grieve now or suffer until the child is old enough to move out and get her own phone so she can then call and tell him everything is his fault anyway.

Answer 3

1) Reopen the court case to try to get custody away from her
2) Stop returning her calls again. Put a recording device on your phone, and tape her abuse. Use it in court. And don't let her have any idea you're doing it.
3) Get documentation from the school of what the costs are and of the balance due to prove she is cheating you (and also not using the money for the correct things)
4) Sue her for part of the child support back. The amount was based on facts presented, one of which was her testimony that she wasn't working. Provide proof that she was.
50 If all else fails put a hit on her! (OK PEOPLE---CLEARLY THAT IS A JOKE!)

Answer 4

I think you might have learned a lesson here. It's much better to be sending the money directly to the school. What would have been very smart on your part, was to have a journal that shows all the calls she made to you, what was said; copies of canceled checks written to her and so on. With this file of all the jotted down conversations...even phone records, you might possibly have a case against her. Perhaps even a civil case. This woman purposely sucked you both dry and knowing she could get away with it, using the child as a dangling carrot. Too bad this child is living with her. It's quite tragic. You might find a lawyer that you could counter sue against her and possibly force her to repay you back money that she unfaily took from you.

I say all this becuase I have gotten so mad in the past from being taken advantage of. My anger made me resourceful. I won a saw suite against a LAWYER who tried to rip us off of money for services he did not render. He was trying to bill us anyway, and I wouldn't allow it. It was a pain in the butt process to fight him, but in the end, we won and didn't have to pay one penny of what he'd charged.

Do your research. Keep logs of everything, and find someone who can help you. That ex-wife needs to face this. My heart goes out to you and your hubby. I've heard a lot of bad stories. This is nothing new. But don't let her take your spirits too. Be strong, deal with the matter, and move on. It's a lesson for all.

Answer 5

OOHHH, what a mess. I'm sorry!! I do believe that legally all you have to do is what is court ordered. The only problem i can see, is that it is not up to the two of you to dictate how she spends the support.( not the school $) if she bought a home with the money, well, that is what child support is for, to support the child - food, clothes, a roof over her head, ect. But calling the school and paying them is very smart. The problem with that is it will piss her off and his relationship with the child is the price to be paid. I know alot of woman who would love to have this guy as there babies daddy, I know it's taking a toll on you're life, but this child is his responsibility. You should be proud, there are to many dead beat dads out there, and someday this little child will know the truth. mom can't control her forever.
good luck to you both.

Answer 6

Who has jurisdiction over the child support and custody order, the US or Aruba? I would immediately find out and then check into the laws regarding child support and visitation. I would immediatley only do what the court order says. I would also document every conversation between you, the ex and your husband. I would document when you send packages and keep track of any and every little detail no matter how insignificant it might seem.

Answer 7

Divorce or not, a man must take full responsibility for his child that i agree with but in a situation where a woman is seizing that opportunity to extort money from the father outside courts jurisdiction, then you have to revisit the court for proper whatever. And I think you are taking it too personal what if they decide to come back together divorce or not? they have a bound!

Answer 8

There comes a time when you have to call their bluff. Document, document, document everything. Keep a diary. I don't think it's permissible in court, but tape the calls when she threatens things. Atleast a lawyer will know what you're dealing with and be better able to guide you. People like that continue to bully as long as you let them. They crawl back under the rug when they find their threats won't work anymore. The children are not pawns and shouldn't be used as such. There's so much we don't know in situations like this that it is better to get legal advice and backing so you know and aren't so stressed out.

Answer 9

My s-i-l tried to have her ex give her more money, but because he's remarried and has a new family, the courts would have ordered a smaller sum be paid to her---he is still entitled to make a living for himself and his new family. So my s-i-l decided not to take him to court.

My cousin is divorced and does not have custody of the children. Her ex would ask her continually to give him money for food, for school clothes, for medical insurance, etc. supposedly all of it for the kids. Fortunately, she wised up and began to BUY the clothes herself, BUY the food herself, and get medical insurance for her kids herself. And let me share this with you, when she BOUGHT food and took it to his home, that night, he called her and YELLED at her for not buying enough food. She simply answered: Yes I did, there is enough food there to feed THREE CHILDREN for a week. He hung up on her. He was expecting her to buy food for him as well. Long story short, he didn't want her around anymore, but he still wanted her paycheck. Too bad, she is entitled to make a living for herself and he CANNOT take all of her money. She actually WANTS him to sue her for child support because she'll be spending less money if she pays him what the courts order her to. But he hasn't and it's been 5 years.

Your husband is entitled to make a living with his new wife and family. The EX cannot expect him to continue to support her as he did before, and that's what she wants. She's using the child as leverage. Try to get her back in to court. With all the medical bills you have and what-not, you may be able to have the judge agree with you about sending the child clothes rather than money, and school supplies. Get some custody as well, maybe ask for her to visit during some Holidays and School Off time. Divorce and court orders are painful and expensive, I wish you luck and will pray all will come out well for you. It may not happen over night, but you'll get your lives back.

Answer 10

Is so bad. I don't know if you can win anything with this women. The law is not to be force, the women can do what she wants - and the child is just terrorize what to do. If you start fighting, request legal documents of expenses or whatever - she can make them up and very high - and you can be obligated to pay even more. I think only communication and be nice is only way.