What to do about erotic pictures?

Question

O have posted on here many times about how great my partner is - and he is - he is one of lives good guys and we have a loving and supportive relationship. But just recently when I come home from work (I work as a chef and often get home late) and go to check my emails or something on the computer I have found erotic, quite tasteful, pictures of women that my partner has obviously been looking at. The first time he apologised and I asked if he had been searching for them ad he said 'no'. But this has happened twice since and today I found the 'search' that led to the image. I don't know whether to say anything - I mean he is entitled to his own private time and use of the computer, they are not 'porn' as such but nice, arty pictures of naked women. But I do find them upsetting - like I am not enough for him. It is especially strange as our love life has been on the up recently - more frequent and more adventurous. Any thoughts?

Answer 1

Here's my take,

Most guys are "stimulated" through visual images (most women are more aroused through physical interaction and verbal communication). Hence most porn is designed with the male in mind.

Lovemaking can sometimes be very distractful. For instance, when me and my wife are going at it (missionary), our height disparities make it virtually impossible for me to see her body. Having some "dirty" images to think about (weather they are of my wife or not), allow me to enjoy the experience.

You mentioned that your love-life is on the upswing, perhaps your man is using these tasteful artsy images to arouse him, and in-turn give you a great time as well.

I wouldn't take it the wrong way. While porn can destroy a marriage, my wife and I do occasionally look at tasteful pictures/videos of couples passionately making love. My wife knows this allows me to "keep going" and she's totally fine with it. Hands down, if it ever came to it, I would choose my wife over anyone else.

If you want to see what I'm talking about, the next time you and him are making love, randomly ask him what he's thinking about...ask him bluntly if he's thinking about "that girl in the picture"...ask him if he's "doing her" in his mind....

My guess is he is simply looking for some visual stimulation to "reference" while he's pleasuring you. You know, attempting to put an "image" with a "sensation".

If you are still concerned about his intentions- get all dolled up, and go have some risqué pictures of you taken...tasteful teasing but sexual in nature. Leave those on the computer and have him look at those.

If he's like most guys, at the root of it all- he wants to pleasure you like nothing else, and he just might have found that having pictures to fall back on during the "heat of the moment" allows him to either go longer or go harder (or both if you're lucky).

Talk to him, ask him openly if he wishes he could be with "her" when he's with you. I seriously doubt he is unsatisfied. If he was- he'd be looking elsewhere.

Answer 2

Let's pretend we are not talking about people, but animals.

From a strictly anthropological stand point, one of the main events of survival of the species is mating and having children. The birthrate should be equal to or above the survival rate. If the species does not mate, it will eventually die out. Be it genetic, or act of God, the desire to have sex is strong to insure that this activity takes place. Males often have sex with more than one female to insure that the next generation is secure. The attraction of the male to female is mostly geared to the act of sex. The female, on the other hand, has a different agenda. The desired male is one that has the traits that are more apt to grant security to the family, and genetic qualities that might give her progeny more advantage to survive against the competition and get head.

We are not that different from the animals. The impulses are still there, but there is a conscious effort to limit them to the social morays and norms of the society in which we live. At times, the natural urges we have are in direct conflict with what society teaches.

In this context, you have a guy that is feeling all the natural biological urges that have been genetically handed down for generations. This genetic programming is why, in your own words, pictures of naked individuals can be found erotic, and quite tasteful. It is the biochemistry of hormones on the pleasure centers of the brain surrounding the sexual urge. When the actions for the photos are beyond what is considered tasteful in society, then these photos take on a disturbing quality. The limitations of sexual expression in society are in direct conflict with the genetic programming for reproduction. The resulting conflict guides us in where we draw the line between what is erotic and tasteful and what is obscene. Each individual has his/her own idea of where this line should be drawn. There is a desire in men to look at women as potiental mating partners. Guys are stimulated more by what they see then what they physically feel. Women are more stimulated by the physical and mental aspects. This is why men or more fascinated by nude photos. This is also why men drool and women rule. There is a desire in men to look at nude women, because sexual arousal is a pleasant experience.
The instinct in males to mate with every woman we are attracted to is in his DNA. It’s that dang ‘Y’ chromosome and testosterone. It is a conscious effort to be faithful to a single person and family. You should not be upset that he chose to live with you and build a life with you. You should also not be upset that he finds other women erotic also. When a guy can no longer see the visual attractiveness in other women, he can no longer see the visual attractiveness in his spouse. It's the visual stimulation part of the libido. It is either off or on. If you are asking a man to say this does not happen, then you are telling him you want him to lie to you if he knows what is good for him.

Women are great communicators and do quite well with multitasking. The ranges of emotions in a woman are much more diverse than in man. She is truly greater than the sum of her parts. She is more than just her gender. You would feel more comfortable if he did not find it pleasurable to look at the photos. In a sense, you are trying to tell him he does not have the right to feel the way he feels and he needs to fight against his natural tendencies, because you can’t relate to him. It is not about you. It is a ‘Y’ chromosome thing. It is a hormonal thing. When male menopause sets in and the testosterone level drops, these women will become less attractive, less interesting, but the sad part is that so will you., at least physically. That is why all your other assets will carry you through. That is also why there are a lot of divorces, because if the only thing she had going for her was looks, then what is left when looks doesn’t matter? Be glad he has a healthy libido. Show him that the real thing is much more pleasurable than a 2 dimensional imitation that spent most its creative life in Photoshop (removing the natural imperfections) before hitting the presses or internet.

Answer 3

I always feel like checking what your partner is doing on the PC could be just the same as looking at there private diary. you will always see something you don't like. you say the first time you just found the pics by accident, that's just like reading the diary when left open. now you are seeking out what they have been up to, that's prying, nosey people will always find things that upsets there, because they are insecure. you say your sex lives have been up lately, then the pics are doing it for him, great. At least he is not out and about with other women. so why rock the boat, join him in his quest, never know you might enjoy it also.

Answer 4

He's watching the equivilant of 'Ready Steady Cook' the food isn't available to touch, smell, taste or swallow, Chewing gum for the eyes thats all,
It can and does improve and enhance one's knowledge and can introduce fresh ideas with ingrediants, he may never prepare nor want to prepare a 4 course meal but he didn't know you could do that with a carrot!

Why did he feel the need to apologise to you for what is at face value pretty harmless, if you don't approve of what he does then tell him, ask him about it, don't treat him as a child who has been cautht with his hand in the biscuit jar.

The alternative for him may be to 'venture' onto sites like this, preoccupy himself with other peoples problems, someone out there/here may view him as desirable a 'chatmate' they may 'groom' him, make him a social worker/counsellor.

Porn/erotic picutes on a 15" TV screen are not interactive pastimes, it doesn't take you down the slipperly road of sexual depravity, at least not the sort of stuff your husband has been looking at.

He's 'entitled' to his own private time and use of the computer you say, It shouldn't be private, it should be something that he can do without misunderstanding or misinterpretation by you, what would be his view if it were you admiring some handsome, partially or fully undressed firemen/fill in fantasy of choice here? There shouldn't be double standards. I know that my girlfriend enjoys watching porn dvds/internet sites with me, I also am aware that she has watched without me, she asked me for the dvd that she was particularly interested in, good luck to watching it while doing the ironing/fill in any activity you want here, its not the real thing!

Don't create a situation that wasn't there where he is deceiving you, if you have strong views about his visiting these sites make certain that he is aware that you disapprove, you may not be right in his eyes but at least he can make his choice of what to do knowing what your 'set in concrete perhaps' total disapproval of his behaviour is, he should recognise your wish and if he doen't want to hurt you he will not visit the sites, you may work some compromise out if you don't find it all sick/perverted but don't walk out on your life with him leaving him scratching his head saying to himself 'she could have told me what the rules were'

I know I may appear to be a cynic but then again I probably am one, I can't read minds nor do I understand or speak Venusian

Answer 5

Perhaps the reason ur love life has been on the up recently is because he has been looking at these piccys .. i personally dont see any harm in it .. if however he was contacting these people then i would feel differently . A lot of people enjoy soft and hard porn and are totally faithfull to there partners
Try not to worry so much ...if this is upsetting u talk to him about it and express how it makes u feel because if u dont it could come between you
x

Answer 6

i would notfeel inadequate in any way....he does notthink this of you ashe is looking. He is a man and men are visua. in fact think I would be grateful thatthey are tasteful and not hard porn,
He loves you, he is with you......the person. So while I do understand totally what you say........and would probably have felt the same at one time the passing ofthe years has me to believe there is not hard to it and certainly none intended by him. Keep the communication channels open and the rest will fallinto place,

Answer 7

If he's still happy with your relationship (and it sounds like it!) I don't think you need to worry. I would rather my man look at them than eye up other women when we went out- unatainable is safe, and shouldn't make you feel "not enough"- really don't worry.

If you are concerned, talk about it. Easier said than done, I know, but your relationship sounds really good, and if you just tell him you worry you aren't enough for him, I've no doubt he'll reassure you that you're perfect!

Answer 8

as a chef myself & know the shifts we work and the stupid hrs that we put in,is it surprising ,but as u have discovered its made things more interesting 4 u ,apart from that the female body is amazeing to look at ,just think if it was male bodys,then ud be worried,also if looking at nude women puts him in the mood then all the better 4 u if ur not 2 tired

Answer 9

if you make him feel guilty about it, he'll just get good at covering his tracks, but he wont stop looking at pictures. maybe he's actually appreciating the artistic side of it. its not xxx porn, its tasteful and artistic. if you continue to feel jealous, you'll simply force him to hide this part of his life from you, the beginning of a breakdown in communication and connection

is it really that hard for you to accept that he might actually have a legit interest in these pictures? suppose he studied a bit of nude photography. i dont know, but i think you should ask him about it in an understanding and non-judgemental way. if this is just a shallow interst of his, he'll give it up. if this is something he's passionate about, you should share it with him and encourage him to be open about it. believe me, you dont want your man to get into the habit of hiding things from you. today its softcore pictures, tomorrow its something bigger...

Answer 10

sweetie....men do these things...does not mean they are cheating or doing anything strange behind your back, if a guy sees a beautiful scantily clad woman then he's bound to look...it's built in them, it would be strange if they didn't, there's no harm in it at all...just think, your the lucky one who's got him all the time, they are only pictures, my partner looks too, it does not bother me at all, i don't get jealous because i know that these are just fantasy images and he'll never get close to them, your hubby loves you and i think you know that, don't worry to much about it, he's the one who lays next to you at night, he's the one who wakes with you every morning, these are just pictures and nothing more....sometimes when you log into a website you do get the odd porn or lady pic that pops up, they are a pain in the bum.. he logged into a site once that had nothing to to do with porn or sex, and he got these images of women who were naked...he just deleted them, it can happen...so don't worry too much, he loves you