My husband always asks for encouragement?

Question

Is there anyone who deals with this sort of issue where their spouse feels like they don't get enough encouragement or you yourself need more encouragement. My husband used to be basically a loser, no job, smoking pot and drinking with his friends all the time. During his I put so much pressure on him and stood by his side through all this until things began to change. When we had a child and got married he has stepped up. He's working and has bought a house and is an involved father and did all of this at the age of 24. He frequently complains that I don't give him positive reinforcement or encouragement. I don't as much as I should, but he wants to hear things like "thank you for changing so much from what you used to be, thank you for buying me a nice house, thank you for being a good husband." I don't say those things to him. When I do talk about it I'll say "wow I can't believe the change and where we are nor compared to 3 years ago.

Sometimes I'll comment on goodlooking he is and he'll always return with something like "yea right, I look like horse!" or something to shoot down my compliment. I know I should give him what he wants by spelling out how great he is but it's not part of my personality and I know he will just react all stupid and shoot it down.

Answer 1

It sounds like you are giving him encouragement, just not the way he wants to hear it.

So, tell him in the way he wants to hear it. If he has become such a great man from being a loser, tell him so.

Answer 2

This requires a two-part solution. Part one, next time he complains that you don't encourage him enough, address his shoots-it-down response directly. Tell him that the first response he gives to any positive statement by you from now on should be, "Thank you" or words to that effect. Look him in the eye and make sure he sees that you are serious about this and that he understands. Tell him that he has to start doing this or your positive statements will stop completely. Get him to promise.

Part 2 -- start saying encouraging things more often. Once he starts saying "Thank you," this won't seem like such a chore. The thank you will make you feel like what you are saying is being accepted, not rejected, so it will become much easier. One of the main things that is holding you back right now is the feeling that you have to convince him, like every attempt you make to compliment him turns into a debate or an argument. One he starts acknowledging, rather than disputing, your positive words, things will go much more easily and you'll both be happier.

Answer 3

You dont have to spend all your waking moments giving him compliments, but he seems to have some self esteem issues that as his wife, you need to address. It always nice to hear encouragement and compliments. You mentioned one of the comments you have said to him (I cant believe the change and where we are now compared to 3 yrs ago). Thats sounds more like a team effort, and maybe it actually was since you stood by him and helped him. But he wants to hear how proud you are of HIM. Theres nothing wrong with needing an acknowledgement of an achievement. And he has achieved.
Considering the way he was, I dont think its that much of a compromise that you say some nice words every now and then.

Answer 4

Hey Sister...........this is a low esteem issue. We all go through it...making sure that we are an important part of the other's life. Keep talking to him about it, maybe it is something deeper that he may to to chat with a therapist about......you can't heal him, you can only make EACH OTHERS lives beautiful and fun while you are here. There are other ways to show gratitude also, little notes, chocolates, favorite dinner....etc. Is he depressed, or under alot of stress........remind him that you are beside him even though you don't say it 24/7.....and that you have his back. Sometimes our sweeties just need to know that we will stand by them through anything life throws. Best wishes!

Answer 5

Personally my opinion is that i think that both of ya should be encouraging each other. He shouldnt have to tell u to encourage him because it should come natural and you should want to do since its coming from the heart and vice verse. I mean u may not understand he may not want u to say a lot he just may want u to say a little something. which will make him stronger and go on with his day with his head held high.

Answer 6

It sounds like a slight communication barrier. He needs to be specific as to how and exactly what kinds of encouragement that he wants to hear. It does sound like you are giving him encouragement, just not the way that he needs/wants to hear it.

Answer 7

I'll bet you never let forget just how much of a loser he was and how if you hadn't came along and saved him he wouldn't have stood a chance.
do him a favor stop reminding him on how he used to be. and start telling him how proud your of the progress he's made.
or at the very least give him his balls back. they weren't yours to take.

Answer 8

Sounds like he could be suffering from depression. Someone is not happy with themself can not be made happy by others. Just do your best and support him, but sounds like he is in a personal funk.

Answer 9

He is looking for validation from you to prove to himself that he is doing okay. Just let him know that you love the man he is today, and thankful for all that he does for your little family. Tell him," you've come a long way, baby!!!"

Answer 10

i dont want to read your whole story but, why not ust encourage him more. maybe im not getting something beacuse i didnt read it all but if he feels like he isnt getting enough encourgment then give him more.