My 15yo son has just told me he is gay, should I buy him some condoms or ban him from going out?

Question

We are both reading your answers and it was his idea to ask the question. He feels he is to young to be in a relationship and I worry that the guy he is seeing will dump him as soon as he has had his way with him.
I have always bought his condoms for him, we have always talked about things and I have never banned him from anything. He has been seeing a guy in his 30's and that is why I am thinking about stopping him going out, but as some of you say, that's probably not the answer.
Maybe I should just report the guy to the police.
I am looking for serious answers to a serious question and banning him from going out is a serious option. By continuing to buy him condoms, I would be condoning something illegal, (sex with a 30year old) and I would not want to do that without a great deal of thought.

Princess, he is 16 in 3 days time and then I will have no choice in the matter. I thought it best to deal with the issue now.

Also, if you were to look past your right wing phoney anger, you would see that I have not allowed him to see this man and more importantly, my son has told me about this man and has shown concern himself.

Answer 1

Congratulate him on finding out so early. Now he can take a longer time to get used to the idea, and what to do with it, and you too. Do not ban him from going out, he is an adolescent, which means he is constantly researching the boundaries of his existance, and will eventually rebel against too strict rules. He is also finding out about sex right now. He hears it from his friends, he looks it up on the internet, he looks it up almost anywhere, also by just watching people surrounding him. Why not tell him stuff about it?
Talk to him about why people have sex, and what's important. That it's great to have sex, but even greater with someone you care for. That you never, never should have sex when you're not ready for it, or when others say you should. And that you have the right to say no (saying yes is the easy part so you won't have to teach him that). And tell him that sex can be dangerous, and if he ever chooses to do it, that you want him to do it safe. If he wants condoms, even when he's not planning to use them (because he doesn't want sex yet :) ), give him these. Better that he has them when needed, than the risk of unsafe sex.
And also tell him that you love him, no matter what, and that the idea that he is gay is something you have to get used to, because you didn't expect him to, but that you don't want to judge it. Which I hope you don't :)

Added after your add:
Don't let him see the 30 year old. First it is illegal, but second the guy will push him to have sex with him, 15 year olds (16 year olds too) usually do not have enough experience to turn down such pressure, and he will regret it. Let him join a support group for youg gays, this way he can exchange his views and his experiences, and maybe meet guys his own age. But tell him to only have sex when *he* wants it, and really want it. The 30yo guy is bad news, and I think it's very good of your son to tell you about this, I compliment him on this! Continue the good relationship you two have, and things will turn out OK.

Answer 2

You sound like you are a good mother, as if you weren't your son might not have told you he was gay. Don't turn the older man in to the police unless absolutely necessary. Your son's name would be part of the police records, and he might even be asked to testify in court about exactly what they did together. Your son would be scarred by this with feelings of guilt about what he did, and why he did it. He would feel he had betrayed this man, who may be sincerely fond of your son.

First find out the circumstances under which they met and how the sex was initiated. Also try to learn the history of this man - is he a pedophile or close to it? if so, explain to your son why the contacts should now be banned, but not in a way that makes your son think he is a dupe and a loser.

Help him find some gay friends his age and don't caution him about having sex at this point, as for better or for worse he's already been initiated into that activity and would have a hard time NOT doing it at this point. And you seem to know that or the condoms question wouldn't have come up.

I'd say you should buy them if only as a gesture of your approval. The kid is lucky to have you as a mother, considering what most mothers would have done in your place.

Answer 3

The condoms are a Good Idea and Contrary to what Ray If sunshine or whatever her name was, Condoms ARE effective against the transmission of HIV if used properly(that thing about the pores refers to LAMBSKIN condoms, not latex).
Second, Banning him will do nothing other than possible encourage lying and dishonesty in order to get out of the house. By all means a 30 year old is too much of an age difference for a soon to be sixteen year old, but I don't know about having the guy arrested, I'm not sure it would stop your son from finding another that age should he choose to do so. Look into support groups for gay teens at that age, I believe finding others his age would do a world of good.

Answer 4

In short, definitely encourage condom use. Also, try to get him to see the attractiveness in guys his own age. Try to take his mind off of the older guy thing, at least until he gets over his crush. Simply put, 15yo and 30yo aren't able to have a relationship of equals, ever.

The age difference is a real issue, especially given how young your son is. 15-16 is too young to be having a committed relationship, period. No matter what happens here, both of them will be hurt by this; it's practically guaranteed.

I assume you're in England or Europe if the age of consent is 16. In the US, that's still statutory rape of a minor.

In my humble opinion, the 30 year old man should know better. You're probably not going to prevent your son from seeing him, but if I were you, I would put pressure on the older man to be more rational about his choice of relationships.

Answer 5

It doesn't matter whether he's gay or straight, you just need to step up and be the parent. No 16 year old should be having sex or be in a serious relationship. They need to be focusing on more important things like education. If you feel you can't stop him, by either preventing him from going out, which you shouldn't completely rule out, definitely make sure he uses a condom.

I know, pull the old standby, "if you are living under my roof you will follow my rules." Funny, I never got that. I had open conversations with my parents also and I respected what my mother taught me and asked of me. If you child cares about you (this is for him to read obviously) he will respect your wishes and wait until he's an adult, whatever your wishes are. Good luck.

Answer 6

Banning him from going out will only make him rebel against you.
But the buying him some condoms is a GREAT idea!
As a matter of fact I bought my son half a case of condums for his sixteenth birthday.
I wasn't about to be one of those parents that turned a blind eye to the realities of teenagers.
Nor was I about to allow my teenager to make me a grandmother before I was fifty...heck, before I was fourty!
My son's straight, but it wouldn't have mattered, I still would have done the same thing.

Ok, look, you didn't say that there was a Thirty-something guy in the picture when I first read your question.
That does shed some more light on the issue here and it does bring up some concerns.
If my son was seeing a thirty-something woman I'd be VERY concerned.
I'm also concerned that you say he asked you to post this question And He's the one who says He's concerned about it.
If he's so concerned, why's he even questioning?
Sounds like he's the one with the level head here.
No, of course he shouldn't be seeing a thirty-something year old. Yes, of course he's just being used and will end up hurt by it.

Your son should be seeing someone more his age.

Answer 7

Don't ban him and get him to buy his own condoms. If he's old enough to get through the embarrassment of paying for them at the counter, then perhaps he'll also be old enough for you to trust him to make his own decisions as to when he uses them.

Yes he'll be hurt by some. Yes he'll be loved by others. His life and his mistakes to make - not least if he's so close to the Age of Consent it doesn't matter.

Content yourself by laying ground rules for time spent under your roof - and just be there to love him (like you already are and do)

Bless you both for asking.

Answer 8

Contact your nearest PLAG group. http://www.pflag.org/

There are a number of things you'll need to do to help your child. If he is still in public school, you need to be aware of problems he may not be discussing with you. You also need to ensure that he doesn't feel like he is the only gay child around. Lonliness is a very serious problem for gay youth, and when not dealt with, can even lead to suicide.

As a parent, you doubtlessly value honesty in your child a great deal. It is a mark of his or her character. And the fact that your child has entrusted you with this information is an indication that your efforts in teaching him honesty and integrity have paid off.

Answer 9

i think you are doing a fantastic job as a mom if at 15 your son trusted you enough to let you know he is gay. so many teens are afraid of their parents reaction;it's a shame. as for the 30 year old,report him to the police. this is no different than if he was dating a 30 year old woman. its illegal and abusive because your son is too young. continue to buy him condoms,but dont ban him from going out. he trusted you enough to tell you, you should talk to him openly and trust him enough to make good decisions.but of course let him know you are available if he needs your help.

Answer 10

I raised two boys. Both straight -- I had a fishbowl of condoms in the hall closet -- they used them, their friends used them NO ONE GOT PREGNANT AND NO DISEASE WAS SPREAD ANYWHERE IN THEIR FRIENDSHIP GROUP. You may not have to worry about him getting his b/f pregnant, but you should still worry about disease.

Banning him will only destroy a true relationship that he has started with you by trusting you with knowledge that he was, no doubt, afraid to share with you. Unless you would ban him from going out if he were straight and pursuing young women, you shouldn't ban him since he is gay and pursuing young men. You might want to ask yourself why you would ban him in either case. He will grow up whether you want him to or not, and making him wait until he is 18 to have a b/f (or a g/f if he were straight) will only make him bitter, in return for no gain to you or him.

Kindest thoughts,

Reyn
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