My mom was abusive. How do I tell her I don't ever want her alone with my child?

Question

Ever since my daughter was born I've had these horrible memories of my childhood come back. My mother hitting us with leather belts, rods, anything she thought would hurt most. She even beat me in public once. She left handprints, welts, bruises, and marks. She was quick to hit, and she couldn't control her temper.
My mother no longer hits us as we are adults now and she hasn't been mean for a while. She's actually nice at times. I can get along with her for short periods of time, but I secretly resent her. I almost never call her and only see her once every few months.
I know only good parenting from mature educated adults can raise responsible children. I look at my daughter and can't imagine hurting her. I don't want my mother's immature parenting tactics to be used on my daughter as well. I only let her see my baby with other family around to "watch her"
How do I tell her that I don't want her alone with my baby without hurting her feelings or causing a fight?

Answer 1

I'm not sure if this is a good tactic but i think that one day you should sit down with your mum and talk to her about what happenened in the past and how it felt to you and that you don't want her to hit your children or pose a threat to them. Ask her, if she does look after your child, to be gentle with her and not to lose her temper. It may be very hard to say this but it would be even harder to say that you don't want your mothers grandchild around her at all to spend time with her. Believe me, it's hard. If you really believe that you shouldn't leave your daughter with your mother, just tell your mother about the past and how it felt to you and tell her very calmly that you don't want that to fall upon a younger generation.

Answer 2

I know exactly what you are talking about. Parenting is very serious responsibility and many times people do not realize this.
You must be psychologically ready to care for a baby and help them mature. The kids will make mistakes. You must be prepared to accommodate these.


You are still hurting. what helped me move on was looking at things from my mother's point of view. Its the way she was brought up. She knows no different. Its possible she really loves you all.

I suggest she only has supervised contact with your daughter.

There is no way you can tell her without hurting her feelings. But it will help you both heal. When you discuss it, insist that you do not want your daughter exposed to her temper. Mostly, Mothers mellow with time. She might have a whole different approach to parenting now. Possibly she regrets what happened with you and the other kids.

good luck.

Answer 3

Although wounds from childhood will always seem fresh. The relationship of grandparent is something different. Your daughter needs to have a relationship with your mom that has nothing to do with you. People change. Dont let your child miss out on a real part of her family because your inability to forgive your mother. Start by letting your mother know that you believe that the bond between grandma and grandchild is very important and also that you hope that she will not make the same mistakes with her that she did with you and hope for the best.

Answer 4

If everyone knows how abusive your mom was you need to tell her that you don't want her to be alone with your child. Good parenting comes from a good parent, no matter what kind of education they've had. A couple could have gone to Harvard law school, raised what they thought be perfect and responsible kids, until one of the kids kills someone in a underage drinking accident or takes a gun to school and starts killing everyone. You aren't taught in school on how to be mature or a parent. Do you know what kind of childhood your mom had? Maybe she got beat when she was a child and grew up thinking that that was the way to handle kids. Your job as a good parent is to protect your child from harms way...........even if you think it's your mom. Handle ya business and good luck.

Answer 5

nicely it is gloomy. in spite of the indisputable fact that it appears like they r very emotionally abusive and that's a reason of no longer being waiting to sleep yet so is different trauma so i wish there is not any longer a extra severe reason which you cant sleep. anyhow, U have a protracted time to circulate previously you are able to circulate out and dealing away is in no way an determination using fact its heavily risky, calling CPS is rather some thing you are able to desire to think of no longer common approximately previously doing. I propose the region will must be undesirable previously you're taken severe and if it doesnt help it's going to make issues worse. Plus they r your mom and dad. in basic terms attempt to get closer to them returned in any way you are able to. Bond. i know this isnt veyr effective, yet sturdy good fortune.

Answer 6

I would just let it go the way it is for now why hurt her like she did you . That's just stupping to her level . My parents beat us too , but they didn't know any better . That is how they were treated too . My parents like your Mom did the best they could do with what they knew . I know that is hard to understand but it's true . I stopped the abuse with my kids and you can too .
I doubt if she would ever hurt your daughter because she probably knows better now , and things are always easier with grandchildren , But if you are Leary don't let her be alone with her . Life goes on and we do the best we can with what we know .

Answer 7

She may be different as a grandmother. Watch how she reacts to situations regarding correction of your child.
You may not be around her enough to judge how she would be with her grandchild.
My grandmother was cruel to my father and fantastic to me my whole life.
Don't make a judgement of punishment for your childhood. Make sure your decision is about your child not you.

OR don't leave her alone with your mom until you feel certain its ok, no need for confrontation
You could be jepordizing a great relationship for your daughter with your mom.
Be careful.

Answer 8

I think you still calmly with your mother and explain. If she knows she did wrong- I still wouldn't let her sit alone with the child. It is YOUR child. I hope you can accept the decision I made, but I have to do what's correct for the health and safety of my child. I'm sorry, but the issue isn't you, mother, it's the child. Why should MY child be subjected to any abuse. Let's stop of cycle NOW!

Answer 9

Did your mother ever get counseling?

She clearly needs it and you might too after all that abuse, though it is a very good sign that the tendency did not get passed onto you. This is an incredibly difficult situation and I think maybe a professional can help you and your mother resolve it.

Answer 10

I would only have that conversation if pressed over a.nd over again..just make sure that your sweet baby is never alone with her..and if the situation arises, look her straight in the face and tell her its because of your childhood and her physical abuse that prevents you from allowing her from babysitting alone. Tough yes, but oh so necessary