Is it possible to be lonely in a big city?

Question

Being in NYC, you'd think it would be an advantage to meet people. But even though I try to go to new places and do different things, being in a big city makes me feel so lonely. What should I do?

Answer 1

Sure.
You can't fell more lonely in a big city than in a smaller one.

Answer 2

It's entirely possible. And sometimes I think it's more so the case in a city or a bigger town. The more people, the easier it is to just blend in with the crowd. Same goes for bigger schools. It soon comes to the point where you are just another number, instead of a memorable face with a name.

I'm from a small town. I knew everyone in my town, let alone my school. It was hard to be lonely there because everyone knew your business. Which can be just as frustrating.
Now that I'm out of college and in a city, I find that I kinda miss that small town feel.

Now, I don't know how old you are, so I may be off...but. I say find out what your interests are. If you like music. Look up online some local bars/venues that play some types of music you prefer. Don't be shy. Talk to people. Ask the bartender or others for places they recommend. You'd be surprised how nice people can be if you give them the chance. But remember that there are some bad apples too, so don't get discouraged if you get to those first.

I'm a writer, I found some creative writing clinics to attend, and I met only a few people that I could get along with. But that means I now had 3 friends to go around with. We found a few bars we liked and became regulars, if you're not a bar person...how about a coffee shop? The more people see you the easier it'll be for you to make connections.

And I know this might sound scary. It IS scary going out by yourself a time or two. But don't be a chicken! : )

Soon, it'll get better.

Answer 3

In a big city, the inhabitants are aclimated to resisting "intrusions" to their space. It makes it very hard for a country-hic to break in or feel like an actual part of an actual community. A majority of people in a big city feel lonely.

It is important to realize that there is no "silver-bullet". Everybody is different and something that works for someone else might not work for you. You also need to consider that you might find several things that work some of the way, but nothing that fully resolves how lonely you feel. Somewhere in there is usually a good-enough even though its not perfect point.

What you are trying to do is to build a sense of belonging. To do that you need 5 important shared objects. 1) Shared spaces - run into each other regularly. 2) Shared values - the stuff you think is awesome, or terrible, you need to be around people who can agree with you in that to some degree. 3) Shared language - this doesnt mean english, this means the specialized jargon and language that you make with your sibs (if you have them) or within your field. This is very hard, but really is the best foundation for very highly effective verbal and nonverbal communication and therefore the foundation for very high quality understanding. 4) Shared vision - people working toward the same goal tend to work better together and have a better time, even if its a task they hate. 5) Shared resources - do some sharing. Borrow a cup of sugar. Watch the game on their hdtv. Car pool in one car. See how that works.

Community needs a context. Often people who make great friends never get the chance because there is no artificial structure, no context. The group of die-hard half-life players can find that they build deeper friendships with each other during the 32 continuous hours every weekend they are shooting at each other in a video game.

So find a context where you can find the other 5 things, and get it. It might work... some. Standard disclaimers apply.

Answer 4

I lived in NYC for 8 years and it can be the most exciting, thrilling place in the world - the unquestioned center of the universe, and it can be the lonliest, most desolate and barren landscape anywhere. The suggestions you are getting here are mostly good and you'll benefit from consciously trying some out. Here are a couple of my favorites.

1. If your lonliness translates into desperately wanting a girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, etc. learn to value yourself and your own time. Create the kind of ambitious goals for yourself that, if you HAD that person in your life, would cause you to neglect them.

2. In all seriousness, ask yourself if you suffer from depression. Go to WebMD or Wikipedia and look it up. If you think you do or you even might have a LITTLE of it run, don't walk, to your general practitioner and have a discussion about the pros and cons of the variou anti-depressants. If you go that route, be aware that the research says therapy (like with a psychologist) and drugs work better than drugs alone.

3. You have to take risks. If you are the kind of person who, like me, can happily participate in several different group activities (softball team, Toastmasters, Ad Club, whatever) and never end up dating anyone... consider whether you are asking anyone for dates! Obviously, get to know people a little first, hang out after meetings and chat, don't ask married or involved people out on dates (duh), start with simple, non-threatening things like lunch. Maybe that is enough to start a small series of lunches, and then drinks one night, and then a trip to see the latest show at the Guggenheim. Each step along the way requires a risk, and you are usually going to have to be the one to take it.

Anyway, the answer to your question is yes. New York is one of the few places where you can be more alone than you've ever been in your life while you stand in the largest crowd you've ever seen.

Answer 5

It is possible to be lonely no matter where you are, but in big cities I've heard it's more difficult to build relationships with people in a large city and that many huge-city dwellers make friends with their coworkers and classmates before they would with people they meet randomly. Not many opportunities to run into the same person a ton of times, but it's possible.

Find yourself a "place." Somewhere you can frequent, become a regular, meet other people that frequent the same spot. If they have friends you end up meeting their friends too... chain reaction!

I moved from a tiny town where everyone knew everyone in town and the neighboring towns and moved to a city for college. Hardly a big city, the university is tiny compared to others in the country. My entire freshman year I didn't meet or talk to anyone, I made some friends at a show venue and they all ended up being assholes. My sophomore year I started going to a local bar pretty regularly and from there met someone who had been in one of my classes, I started talking to her friends and that's how I ended up with my boyfriend and most of the friends I have now.

I wish you the best of luck, find yourself a regular place to go.

Answer 6

I agree. It happened to me. I moved from a town of 20,000 to a city of 400,000 just an hour apart. It was like a world apart. Harder to get to know people, hustle bustle, no one talking to anyone, and such.
I think the secret is to get a small community inside the big city. What do I mean by that? You can join different groups (communities) to meet people. Different circles so to say that you see all the time. Like church, clubs, organizations, sports, and more. When you meet regularly you all get to know each other. If is like your world.
There are shopping clubs, chess clubs, bridge clubs, 4-H clubs, leadership clubs etc. Even voluntering is good.

Get out and get involved, I did and it works.

Answer 7

You're in NYC - there must be hundreds if not thousands of people who share similar interests with you - say you're into art, there must be a local community college or high school that offers art classes just for fun, and could be a good, safe place to meet people like yourself.

Answer 8

Yes, it is absolutely possible to feel lonely in a big city. People are not as outgoing as in small towns. Have you tried to go to an art museum? Go to those little deli's, sometimes the people are somewhat outgoing.

Answer 9

you know, i live in a city, and i am very lonely. i hate not knowing who is who around here. it is hard to trust anyone here. i am new in the city so i feel not only lonely but also lost. when guys come up and ask me to give them a chance, i don't know if they mean lets get to learn about each other or if he wants me in his sack for the night. which i am not like that. i just ignore them and go on my way. good luck

Answer 10

OMG i totally feel ya!! I know what U mean completely... I am not sure what to do... Just give it time and when You least expect it you will start meeting new people and things will just be okay,.... That is what always happens to me... i have lived in Denver, Dallas, Minneapolis, and now Houston..... everything will work out.....