Trapped
This girl is trapped in a bad world
The walls are scoffacting me
I can hardly breathe
Let me out of this room
Let me out of this tomb
2006-11-02 14:35:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
Remember this the next time you are writing a poem, writing is an art form and if you say for instance "This girl is trapped in a bad world" then you need to describe the world. For example: "I am trapped in world unlike what I have known what was once bright and peaceful is now dark and cold I feel a constricting pressure for every breath I take my bones have finally begun to break I try and try to crawl out of this place but there is no light and no hope for me this is my life and the only thing I can do is just wait." something like that, you want to focus on describing things as if you are trying to describe it to a blind man/woman.
2006-11-02 15:06:12 · answer #1 · answered by klynna 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think that if your poem is a reflection of how you are feeling, you need to make some changes in your life.
Please call a friend or someone else you trust. If you can't think of anyone you trust, please phone a crisis line or check out a site for people feeling bad.
You sound like you have a lot of stuff inside that needs to get out before you hurt too bad to care.
People do care...
.... and if I've read too much into this poem, and those are just words put on my a character you are assuming... then darn good poem. I'm concerned about you, and I have no idea who you are.
Please take care of you.
2006-11-02 14:58:45 · answer #2 · answered by Mikisew 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
~I assume you want an honest answer and you're not looking for some cyber stroking (no, I don't really), so here goes:
Amateur rhyme scheme, inconsistent meter, no theme, childish effort at best. I daresay it took longer to type than to compose. You grab for attention by this woefully deficient wallow in self-pity is pathetic. Sorry, but it sucks. You asked. If you are over ten, don't consider the literary arts as a career option.
Composition: D-
Effort: F
2006-11-02 14:47:36 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wait a minute, I'll get my key! I like it, but if it is true, you need a friend. A counsel er to talk to.
Go to the search bar, type in "Thestarlitecafe.com", I write there under the name "WORDSMITH" Write some more, you are pretty good!
Don't get discouraged, these other folks are being too tough on you. Put it on the Starlite and see what they think.
2006-11-02 14:40:05 · answer #4 · answered by It All Matters.~☺♥ 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It sounds more like a bad relationship than a poem.
2006-11-02 14:38:58 · answer #5 · answered by ret w 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How old are you? It sounds like a typical angst-filled high school poem. Also, check your spelling. But keep creating!
2006-11-02 18:38:34 · answer #6 · answered by Mompoet 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Grade-D- No fluidity, lacks substance, poor timing, poor pacing...you use the most mundane words to describe such deep emotion. very superficial....you can do way better!
2006-11-02 17:07:18 · answer #7 · answered by Pie's_Guy 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Seen better. Seen worse. Keep trying though.
2006-11-02 14:37:11 · answer #8 · answered by Sophist 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
its an expression of what u feel
keep writing! enjoy what u like to do best:)
2006-11-02 15:49:50 · answer #9 · answered by radha 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is not much substance to it. I think you can surely improve on it. :)
2006-11-02 14:37:20 · answer #10 · answered by ♡ Choc ♡ 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋