Recently my fiance finally got her visa and moved here to states. We've been married six months and we started meeting my friends. Now my best friend Todd (known 14 years) and his wife Jane we have seen on two occassions. Jane invited us both time to have dinner wth them and things seemed fine. This halloween we went over another friends house and Todd & Jane showed up. According to my wife, Jane did not say greet her and ignored her the entire night. She feels Jane does not like her. I ask her if this behavior was typical of Jane or not. Her response was the behavior was atypical, but her intuition tells her Jane dislikes her.
The kicker is now my wife says she doesn't want to meet any of my friends. It seems to me she is stereotyping all my friends based on Jane's actions. My thought is that Jane could have just had an bad day. My worry is that to be with my wife I will have to ostercize my friends. How should I approach this as I can't understand her perspective.
2006-11-02 14:17:28 · 17 answers · asked by nub5 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
she better grow up or she'll lose you!
It ain't your problem. That's a manipulating characteristic, do not encourage it
2006-11-02 14:23:37 · answer #1 · answered by B N 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Nothing wrong with Jane, Filipinos pull this sh!t all the time, next it will be your colleagues that 'dislike her' and finally members of your family will also start to 'dislike her' making social functions difficult for you as she places you in a 'them or me' situation.
And just wait till the next time you hook up with Todd and Jane!, firstly it will be endless protests and silent treatment from her, then when your with Todd and Jane you wife will make it painfully obvious that she is pissed off and wants the world to know it, pouting those lips and not socializing of communicating with anyone.
And when thanksgiving at your mums comes around and your wife says she will "stay here" 10 minutes before leaving...........mate, been there done that.
Filipinos are like wild animals, that will lead you on a merry dance if you let them..they need to be tamed right from the beginning, need to be told how its going to be not given a long leash to run rings around you.
Im not a sexist nor am I anti-filipino, just my personal observations over the past 14 years.
2006-11-02 15:54:14 · answer #2 · answered by stefjeff 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand her perfectly.
Every country has its own culture. Some countries (like Australia and England) are quite similar. Other countries (like Africa and Iceland) are extremely different. The differences can be immediately obvious, like how people dress, to tiny things like politeness.
For instance, in Africa it's an insult to give someone something with your left hand. In Australia it doesn't matter, so an African in Australia would constantly be offended by what she sees as rude behaviour by Australians.
So your wife may just be misunderstanding your friends' reactions, because they are behaving like Americans, not like Filipinos.
Or maybe she is suffering from "culture shock". This is when the number and magnitude of differences between a person's home country and their new country are so great, that she feels overwhelmed. When that happens, she will start seeing everything negatively, and over-reacting to every little thing that is different. It's not her fault, it's a very well-known syndrome and not abnormal.
Try to be understanding. When she comments on someone's strange behaviour, talk to her and try to work out whether the person is really being unreasonable. If it seems reasonable to you, then you need to discuss with her and find out what the equivalent behaviour in her country would be.
2006-11-02 16:11:46 · answer #3 · answered by Kylie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should ask Jane how she feels about your new wife. Maybe your wife is just feeling a little out of place...and if you explain this to Jane (assuming that she has no ill feelings towards your wife) maybe she can make an extra effort to befriend her and make her feel more at ease. Do not let your wifey make you stop socializing with your friends. Maybe you could talk to all your friends before they meet her and explain that she may need some extra T.L.C. when it comes to starting up a new friendships and feeling welcomed into the circle.
Best wishes for a long and happy marriage! :)
2006-11-02 14:24:17 · answer #4 · answered by bettywitdabigbooty 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well it is good that you want to make an effort to do something about this situation. I give you props for that!
It is really unfair of her to not give your other friends a chance. If she is around Jane one more time and Jane doesn't speak to her then honestly I can understand why she wouldn't want to be around HER (not other friends that she hasn't even met yet). You need to tell her that she is being unfair and that she needs to give your friends a chance. If she feels totally uncomfortable though then don't push her to hang around with them. I know it is so fun to do things as couples but maybe you can just hang out with your friends without her. Hopefully she would understand that. Does she have friends of her own here or no? Maybe twice a month or something you could hang out with your friends and she with hers. I hope I helped a little. Good Luck!
2006-11-02 14:23:00 · answer #5 · answered by Amaya 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your wife is totallyyyyy new to this country. Think about that. Everything is so totally new and foreign. And the feeling of being over whelmed has got to be there. Also, it might make her feel like all things are being shoved on her. The pressure of having to fit in having to be liked... your friends having to be her friends. There is so much pressure and tension on her right now.
If you do have social outtings make sure you are veryyyyy aware what is going on, who is saying what and whether or not your new wife is being included.... make sure that she is included and made to feel important. How you show your love in public will set the standards too on how your friends will treat her. Do not let them get away with the snubs. She is new here and needs ppl around her that can be helpful and kind.
I thnk she feels like the outsider, where she is the one who is on trial all the time to fit in.. to be on the defensive. That is where you will need to really be there and be compassionate and patient until she can feel secure and settled in. Remember..... she is your wife..... she comes first....not your friends. Only pick friends to go out with (for now), whose wives are super sweet and who you know would make your wife feel at home. Chose carefully. Perhaps even call one of your friends ahead of time and let them know that your wife is feeling a lil overwhelmed and trying hard to adjust and needs to be taken by the hand and made to feel welcome.... good luck...
2006-11-02 14:43:43 · answer #6 · answered by Sundar 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that your wife is probably just feeling the pains of being in a new place surrounded by totally new people. Sit her down and talk to her about the situation. Assure her that your friends are good people and they have no reason to dislike her, and ask her nicely if she would mind giving them another chance. It might also be good for her to meet some friends of her own, maybe a community club, a gym or church?
2006-11-02 14:26:57 · answer #7 · answered by missapparition 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best thing to do is, stop going to your friends place. instead, invite your friends to your house. Atleast being the host, she will have the confidence that she won't feel insecure or allienized since she's in her own house. then eventually, she will get used of your friends. meeting new people with different race is hard especially when you feel different. so give more time for her to adjust. go out and let her see the difference of each person she sees.
2006-11-02 16:11:06 · answer #8 · answered by K 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I disliked most of my husbands friends when I met them, and I had no prob. telling him. Me and my husband are opposites but share the same outgoing personalities. I have been there for my husband through thick and thin and I usually support him, but when it comes to my intuition about people I'm always right. Don't forget friends can be the most critical when it comes to choosing a spouse and they can be non -chalant about being rude so much so that she may notice, but you may not. Choose your fiance and get mutual friends. They have each other and so will you and yours.
2006-11-02 16:19:31 · answer #9 · answered by cargirldawn 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she's been living here for only 6 months? I can't imagine a more difficult living transition from one country to another.
I think your wife is having difficulties adjusting to life in the US. It is just coming out in other areas.
2006-11-02 14:31:42 · answer #10 · answered by Mr. Sensitivity 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its always nerve wrecking to meet family and friends. Jane probably is afraid she won't fit in. Just reassure her that you love her and you friends love her too. Be sure not to say anything negative about her to your friends too. That will make it worse.
2006-11-02 14:20:51 · answer #11 · answered by lucy02 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋