December 3rd7:45AM
Hello my name is Ashley Tripp and today is my 16th birthday. This so called journal is a gift from my father who is desperately trying to control me. My school’s counselor told him that if I write my feelings down, I would stop being so vile. The only reason I am even writing in this thing is because I actually hope it works, even though I’m not vile. See my parents think I have a bad attitude towards them and everyone else, but I’m here to tell you that I so do not have a bad attitude, I just want my opinion to be heard no matter what it is.
8:30AM
Well I’m on the bus now on my way to school with my best friend Scarlett at my side. Scarlett and I are inseparable. We have been best friends since 3rd grade! The first thing Scarlett asked me on the bus was why I was carrying around a journal. I lied and told her that it was a for a literature project.
2006-11-02 13:50:56 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous in Education & Reference ➔ Homework Help
Nothing wrong with it at all. The writer's voice matches the character, so it comes off feeling very natural.
Good work!
2006-11-02 13:58:15 · answer #1 · answered by Canadian Bacon 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Except for the poor grammar and order of phrasings it's not bad. Start it off with a stronger sentence, such as:
I'm Ashley Tripp and this day is special: it's my 16th birthday celebration! This journal is a gift from my father, who, I believe, is trying to control me, but I also think he is trying to show me how to become less anxious and pithy. (Then start a new paragraph).
Showing the time of the day is like this: 7:45 a.m., 9:15 p.m.
2006-11-02 22:04:18 · answer #2 · answered by Guitarpicker 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As you only have two paragraphs, I have no idea where you're going with this. Good word choice, and it sets up interesting tension.
2006-11-02 21:59:41 · answer #3 · answered by abby 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ummm it pretty much sux...jk
2006-11-02 21:58:52 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋