Who out there is choosing to stay married because of their children? Whether it's so you can be around them 24/7 or you're afraid of giving them instability, whatever.
Part 2: How bad is the marriage you're putting up with and do you see anything being the "final straw" for you?
2006-11-02 13:23:55 · 17 answers · asked by You'll Never Outfox the Fox 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This is hypothetical, why are some reading this as sought advice?
2006-11-02 13:34:23 · update #1
Thing is, when you stay in a marriage just because of the kids, there is tension and anger, and the kids feel that as well. Is it really the best environment to bring kids up in?
2006-11-02 13:28:13 · answer #1 · answered by JC 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I stayed in an abusive marriage for 11 years. He would go after the children, and I would step in his way, and take the worst of it.
I divorced him. As we were going through the seperation, he told me not to close my eyes or I would never wake up! He scared me alot, but I survived it and so did my kids. I remarried 3 years later to a man I believed would be a positive influence on my children. He tried to do things with them, but never had the tools, from his own upbringing to do the job right. He gave up on my kids and became very emotionally distant from us all. I am currently divorcing him....my kids are all over the age of 30 now, and I want to find some peace before I die. I have my childrens blessing, as they wittnessed all of the above, and much more than I can ever tell you. I believe that the abuser should be the loser in the relationships with those they have made miserable.
People change, and sometimes you just can't tell when that will happen. I stayed too long with both of these men. My children would have been much better off with just me. I love my children.
I wish I could go back and re-do the years I spent defending myself and the children. Please don't think that anything will change if it is bad now, it only becomes worse with time, and the kids are the ones it effect the most. Take care of yourself and your children and get rid of the jerk who doesn't have a clue as to what he has with you and the kids. The sooner the better. Don't waste your life and risk the kids emotional well being. Niki
2006-11-02 21:41:17 · answer #2 · answered by niki-niki-tembo 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Of course there are people out there that stay for the kids. This may be one (or the only) factor that is holding a marriage together but quite honestly, when you get married (might I add "till death do us part") you choose to have children with the person you love and children are a gift of that love that two people have for each. Children should always be a determining factor but so should your marriage vows. Get counselling if it is that bad. The only times divorce should be considered is when one person has broken the vows of marriage, examples are cheating and abuse. In these circumstances the vows of love, honor and cherish are clearly not being exercised.
2006-11-02 21:35:40 · answer #3 · answered by Pearl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have many divorced friends that were very hurt by their parents divorce and thought that it damaged their lives.
I also had parents who stayed married for us and argued constantly (even to this day) and it was just as destructive.
Don't stay together for the kids. They will see through it if you and your wife are going to have problems.
Most importantly, if you do seperate, you both need to be extra active BEFORE the break up with your children. Make them feel secure and loved, and if you do break up, continue to show them love and let them know that they can come see you or call you regardless of 'who's weekend it is'.
You and your wife need to be mature, amicable, and unselfish. You have to let your kids feel that this was your and her fault and not theirs.
And I'm not saying it's a fault, just a reality that things don't always work out, but most kids only know fault. If it makes it easier on them, then say it's mommy and daddy's fault, not your's.
I think this would be alot better than me sitting on the stairs year after year, hearing my parents fight every night and staying together because they 'thought they should' - that did alot of damage.
2006-11-02 21:30:11 · answer #4 · answered by happy g 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
dont stay for the kids inless you feel you can make it work with their mother you are not helping them that way.... staying in a loveless (marriage?) is only going to teach them that that is okay ... what kind of relationships do you think your children will have when they are older?... if it is not working and you have tryed ... then just go ... get custody or vistation and better your own life never ever abandon them though you may not live with them but ALWAYS be available to them 24/7 you can still raise them ect ect
2: i am not in a bad marrige at this time! but in the beginning it went through a very tough time with my husband (then bf) drugs porn lying ect ect... we were both younger (me 18 him 20) we broke up for almost 2 years and now are back together and very happy (2 children) one his before we broke up and one i had with a man while we were split up... (long story)
anyway i think the final straw for me would be cheating or continuous lying (had problems with both lol... why we broke up!!)
2006-11-02 21:35:02 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am most definitely staying in my marriage because of my children. I never met my father; he left the day I was born. My mother was a secretary and without my father's help it was pretty rough for us as I grew up. I used to hate him, but I found out that I couldn't hate a person I had never met. However even though he abandoned us I learned a valuable lesson from him. I have vowed my entire life that I would NEVER have a child that didn't have their father there for them.
I didn't find out how bad my marriage was going to be until shortly after our honeymoon. Within a month of our marriage, my wife told me that I was not allowed to see my friends anymore. I used to take martial arts classes and I was told I wasn't allowed to take those anymore. IF I was away from the house for more than 1/2 hour (not including work) I was 'cheating'. I would have left our marriage except God plays good jokes every now and then...we got pregnant on our honeymoon. Things have progressively gotten worse in the last 12 years, but we rarely argue in front of our children..mainly because in our fifth year of marriage I decided to give up. I honestly don't think she knows that I feel dead inside..or she doesn't care.
There is no final straw.I live for the day my son graduates..
2006-11-03 00:31:18 · answer #6 · answered by scottjo6 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Too many people don't want to honor the vows they made on their wedding day when the going gets "worse". You made a vow and are obligated to honor it. Find a way to live compatibly with your spouse. It makes a huge difference in a child's life having their parents together but not if they are too immature and selfish to do so without constant fights. Why should the kids pay?
2006-11-02 21:32:08 · answer #7 · answered by GrnApl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
as much as possible when you got married it's not so easy to divorce when you have kids. as much as possible try to work it out. sometimes there are just challenges that comes along. life has it's ups and downs and it is how we pick up ourselves and the ones we love that we emerge into a new and better life. By divorcing, its sort of running away from problems and not working it out. The final straw would be disrespect, repeated illicit affairs, irresponsibility and abusive behaviors.
2006-11-02 21:40:03 · answer #8 · answered by janice 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I stayed with my ex for the sake of my kids. It took me 10 years is misery to finally get away. The final straw was his infidelity and his addiction to alcohol.
2006-11-02 21:29:00 · answer #9 · answered by Susan 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i was married to a woman for twenty one years the marriage was good for the first ten years, the last eleven i stayed for the sake of my children. it was the oldest who came to me one day and said
" dad why are you staying in the marriage we know their is no love left,"
" i said because of you and your brother."
he replied is it worth killing yourself over, because that's you are doing to yourself we can see it
i learned that day the longer you stay in a loveless relationship for the sake of the kids, the more damage you may be doing to the kids. its easier on them if you divorce well they are younger because its easier for them to adjust., the only thing your doing is is postponing the date of the divorce. and loosing a lot of time to enjoy life and to be happy. so i have to say don't stay in a marriage for the sake of the kids, because by doing so you may be causing more problems for them down the road
2006-11-02 21:41:14 · answer #10 · answered by redsyoungstud 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋