not sure what to do?

Question

My husband cheated on me a year ago and we are supposed to be working on it. but i'm not sure if i want to keep trying. i forgave him for it but i don't feel the same about him, like i did when we first got together and married. i know it takes time.but we are almost in another year and i feel like something should have change about how i feel.

Answer 1

sincerely.... are you looking at what he did as an excuse to leave him for someone else ??

Answer 2

By 'working on it' I hope you mean regular counseling sessions. If you haven't done that then I would. Cheating is very hard to get over (but not impossible). It will affect every aspect of your relationship. If he won't go with you to counseling I would go on my own, if I were you. You might be suffering from depression or anxiety - infidelity can cause post-traumatic stress-like symptoms. And even if you think you have forgiven him it is something that is very difficult to forget.
One thing that might help is a 'love contract'. You should both write out what you love most about the other, why, and the direction you see (or would like to see) your future together heading. Outline ways that you would both feel more appreciated and secure. (Just stating 'more sex' doesn't count). In addition, write out how a breach of that contract would make either of you feel and what the consequences would be.
I would also read (both of you) The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's not expensive. You can get it at your local bookstore or on ebay for under 13.00.
You both need to reconnect and recommitt your love and loyalty to one another. You can do that in the contract or through a counselor. You can keep it as simple or make it as elaborate as you both want.
Good luck to you both.

Answer 3

I have been there , it happened 3 years ago for me..I did leave him, But then we started to work it out while we were separated,Then i moved home after about 3 months..Its a very hard place to be in, The trust is gone. But it does come back little by little, I don't know if it ever fully comes back, But it does get better as the years pass, Your only in the 1st year sweetie, believe me it does get better..some days i don't feel like i want to try anymore either..Some days i wonder why i came back..But for the most part it takes time..They say it takes 3-5 years for a marriage to recover from an affair..Good Luck on whatever decision you make..

Answer 4

Well---how are you working on it? Are you going into counseling? You should know if you are making progress or not. You can never go back to before. It just won't happen. The real question is have you really forgiven him and is your relationship worth saving. How bad do you want it? Think about the reason that you are 'not sure what to do'. Answer that, and you will have your own answer. Has he given you any reason to think that he will do it again? Is he really trying his best? Can you see yourself feeling the way you do, living the life that you are living for the next 5 years? These are all questions that you need to ask. Good luck.

Answer 5

Go see a counselor by yourself. Cheating destroys the trust factor in a marriage. If you had cheated you probably would have been thrown out bodilyl when it happened. (Men don't try to work things out as much as women do.) You have waited a year. If you feel that you no longer feel comfortable with him you need to take steps to get out. You and the counselor will be able to bring your feelings to the surface. I suggest you pay the money to see a good counselor. Ask for a referral from a friend you trust, a lawyer or your YWCA Women's Advocacy. If all else fails look one up in the phone book. Good luck.

Answer 6

You know I am never surprised by this statement anymore. The guy or girl cheats, the wonderful spouse, instead of drop kicking them out, tries with all they have to reconcile. Yet something has died. Can't put your finger on it but you can tell the magics just gone. Not to get religious on you but the only reason for divorce in the Bible, that is acceptable, is guess what? Cheating! Guess God knows us better than we know ourselves. Listen, you're going to feel bad about getting a divorce, but you can't beat yourself up about it. You honestly gave it a chance! One year! Some marriages don't last that long. There's lots of work to do ending this chapter in your life. You should start by finding the less stressful approach and just get on with it. I rarely ever tell someone to divorce, However, with cheating there rarely is another option. Except for living a lie?

Answer 7

Unfortunately, you will never feel the same as you did back then but you have to move on and learn to love and trust him this day on. To remember those days over and over will not change the fact that he did what he did but you have to look beyond that and create a new image and fall in love again.
If you can't let go and expect it to be back to what it was before your dreaming and no relationship will survive if you continue reverting back to the good old days. Look at him with new eyes and remember why you married him in the first place.

Answer 8

for every person it is different and time means something different for every person, what one may accomplish in one year it will take someone else 2 or maybe 3 or in some cases never, so do a deep personal inventory and talk to God about this and give it as much time as you can endure, Good luck and God Bless, PS. And try not to fight fire with fire because revenge will only hurt you in the long run

Answer 9

Most couple that get back together never deal with the issues that broke them up. You may never feel that way again, but you can reconnect. But only you know whats in your heart. Look at the issues, why did he cheat and what has been resolved so he wont do it again...Lets face it men are only as faithful as there options.

Answer 10

No children then and you dont feel you love him then move on. Which maybe for the best as something went wrong along time ago he went elsewhere. If you have children I would give a very good shot before moving on and if you still dont feel you can live with him them part but do it on good terms for the childrens sake.

Answer 11

Only you know what you are willing to work out with him. If you feel like it is not worth saving, then leave. Be honest with yourself and you will never regret it..........good luck in your decision