Separation suggestions needed?

Question

My husband has decided he wants to separate as he feels things will not work out with us (not the issue here) BUT he wants to live in our basement until he gets his finances together (he put us into incredible debt).

We have two children under 3. He doesn't and has never helped out with them. He helps himself to the food and is always happy to remind me toi pick up this or that for him at the store.

I have asked him to get his own place and he gets very mad and tell me this is half his house (it's in my name like everythigng because he had bad credit and never told me that before we got married) and he has not brought in any income for over 6 months.

I want to work things out so my heart leets him stay but my head knows I need to get him out so I can get on with my life.

I either need rules and responsibilities written up for us to follow if he stays..or how do I get him out? It's like I am looking after 3 kids right now with him.

Any suggestions? Serious please

Answer 1

Sandra,
Really ask yourself is this going to work if he stays? Secondly, you really have to weight the odds what would be the outcome if you should decide to tell him to go. I don't see any harm telling him to leave. He is not supporting his children nor himself. Now on your behalf, understand one thing, and that is, how is this going to effect your children? I think the answer is logically yours to answer. I would tell him that he has to prove to be not only a husband in this relationship, but to also be a provider. If he cannot accept those terms, then maybe it is time the two of you move on...
Good luck.

Answer 2

It is my personal experience that if a separation is desired get an attorney and have a legal separation drawn up with stipulations of who will pay for what , visitation,who will reside where, etc. etc. and that way everything will be in black and white and the both of you will have set boundaries and know where each one stands legally, please don't do like I did and just get a casual separation only to have the counterpart walk all over you for a year and still not have anything resolved and hold a bunch of resentment and anger towards each other, I'm not implying you would do this but it already sounds like your husband is taking advantage of the situation and only wants his cake and eat it too, don't let him control the situation, Good luck and if you really want things to work suggest counseling later on after he gets over his selfishness if he ever does.

Answer 3

He may indeed have financial needs, but another thing to think about is that if he leaves, the judge will look more favorably on you as the injured spouse. So, he may be trying to protect his interests.

In regard to your dilemma, you need to get him out and away from you so that you can get over him. If he is close to you in person or by talking, you will continue to hold out unreasonable hope for a reconsiliation. You need to sell the house and get your own place however hard that may be. You will need to have as little contact with him as possible while you disconnect. How will you live with the fact that he will want to see other women and you will be exposed to that. It will kill you emotionally if you still love this man. When a man says it's over, he usually means it. The best thing to do is to separate yourself from him emotionally, which is next to impossible if he is living with you.

Answer 4

I think that the best thing for both of you would be to live in seperate houses. There is no way to heal and/or move on when your spouse (ex or not) is under the same roof as you are. Basically, you are supporting him and his poor work ethic. So...

My first thought would be to sit down with him and let him know that you want him to move out. You are willing to help him for 30 or maybe even 60 days (enough time to find someplace else to live), but that during that time, you expect him to pay 50/50 for all bills, food, etc. If he refuses, you have to get tough. You might want to contact a lawyer and explain to him/her that your spouse is putting you in a hardship position and see what he/she has to say.

Lastly, you have to figure out if you really want a divorce...it sounds like you are still holding out hope.

Answer 5

First talk to an attorney. Most attorneys offer the first consultation free.
Second, really decide on what you want and stick to your guns. For your kids sake as well as your own. If you really want to work it out with him let him know counseling is mandatory - at least 6 months of weekly therapy for both of you.
Third, sit down and draft exactly what has to be different if he is to remain in the house with you - even if it's just in the basement. Make a chore list and a reasonable timeline on when they need to be finished. Sit down and outline all of your expenses (yours and what's shared). Including groceries. Let him know he has X amount of time to get a job and how much he needs to contribute. If he opts to leave let him know when you expect him out and what he is allowed to take with him. Ask him to sign a statement that he will repay you for any expenses he incurs between now and when he leaves - make sure it states when and how. You can write most of this up informally and have a notary public stamp/sign it to let him know it's legit. Ask him to sign off on any claim to the house in return (he will be more likely to do this while he is wanting something for you). Make sure he does not have access to your any bank accounts/credit cards. If you have him as a joint cardholder and he goes on a spending spree you will still be held responsible for all of it. Watch what you say around the house, esp. on the phone - my ex was taping everything I said/did for two years. I never would have suspected it - I found the recorder by accident and later found out he was recording phone conversations through the computer, also (there is software to do this and my ex was extremely computer savvy). He was bipolar and very paranoid - he thought I was cheating on him and lying to him while I was going through chemotherapy and radiation for breast cancer. The whole time he was really cheating on me - something I never even thought he had time for. If you find out he is seeing someone else make sure your separation agreement states that he is not allowed to have unrelated members of the opposite sex present (this mainly pertains to overnight visits) on nights he has your children.
I would sit and discuss how things are going to be handled with the kids. Write everything down - the documentation could be critical if and when you go to court. Keep a journal on everything that has been said and done (dates, times, facts) and keep it in a safe place.
Best of luck to you, I don't envy you.

Answer 6

living under the same roof is difficult, however I have a friend that was able to do.
anmd the had very clear cut rules, however they went and proceeded right to divorce and had agreed ahead of time on selling the house and divided up assets according ly.

I suggest strongly you contact a divorce attorny and ask her to draw up a legal separation document

Answer 7

Talk to an attorney; yes, you need to get him out of the house a.s.a.p., and separate your finances and bills etc. I would call up some divorce lawyers, and see what the options are; the first phone consultation is usually free.

Answer 8

Time to bring your lawyer in the picture. It's time for you to get on with your life and get rid of the baggage that holds you back..smiles. He has a control issue going on with you and your allowing it to happen and it needs to stop. He is not a kid and needs to grow up and get on with his life too..and living in the basement isn't moving on for either one of you!!! He wants his cake and eat it too, Lord forbid he tries to save you some money by babysitting while you work since you are supporting the lazy butt!!!! So stop giving him that control over you and the fear about being alone..smiles. You can do this alone, I did with three kids..smiles. Good Luck and get rid of the Loser!!! YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER BELIEVE ME!!!

Answer 9

He totally has his cake & eats it too!
He is taking advantage of you. You need to tell him to get out--he can go live with a buddy or a parent !
Get a restraining order if necessary, and the cops will remove him.
He won't want to go, as he has it made there...you need to be TOUGH. He will need to be forced to face his options!

Answer 10

Tell him "No, it's not working out. We can be roommates but If you don't have your half of the rent and all the other expenses - I will evict you - it's that simple." And don't you dare back down!!! He will only use you if you let him.