I've been married for 12 years now and have one child. My wife basically stopped showing any interest in sex after the birth of my son. If I try to initiate intimacy, she's always got a reason to say "no". It's been several years now. I believe it's a result of her depression, but she refuses to acknowledge her condition, let alone seek help for it. I really don't want a divorce, but lately I've been having trouble finding reasons to love her. I'm not some sex crazed guy....I just want a normal sex life. Celibacy was certainly not one of my long term goals in life. I find myself thinking about straying, but I realize how destructive that would be and don't act on it. I really need advice on this one....
2006-11-02 09:06:56 · 28 answers · asked by Scotty 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Just to clarify..my statement about not finding reasons to love her is not just because of the absence of sex. I do love her, but she does not return the love and her depression drives her to treat me less than civily most of the time.
2006-11-02 09:25:14 · update #1
Talk to her! What would she do if you took her on a romantic weekend - just the two of you - and while you're sitting in front of the fire (or somewhere equally romantic), just look her in the eyes and tell her that you MISS holding and kissing her! If she doesn't respond, then you need to get her into counseling. God bless!
2006-11-02 09:10:09 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The fact that you ''say'' you haven't cheated and it's already been forever and a day since your wife handled her marital obligation is worth praise!! God bless you for honoring God and your Wife so much, but marriage was not meant to be a non-contact sport. Marriage IS a contract for contact! Sex is a gift within marriage, and you wanting some is not a bad thing at all. Your wife needs help, ASAP!! Right now your emotional bank account is on E, and if the devil has his way pretty soon someone one will come into your life and start making real big deposits, and it's gonna be ugly for your wife. You need to be up front with her. She needs to accept the fact that she's not honoring God nor her husband. God does not excuse one from marital duties just cause they don't want to. What if you just didn't want to pay the mortgage? Just didn't want to pay the energy bill, car note, buy groceries.etc....I could go on and on. It's obvious you love her, but she needs to step up, or move out the way.
2006-11-02 09:23:38 · answer #2 · answered by NURSING FOR LIFE!! 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
There's an old saying that goes something like this: Sex is a small part of a marriage, unless you're not having it and then it becomes a big deal.
I'm sorry, but depression or your wife's inability to communicate with you regarding this issue is unaccceptable. She needs to wake up and get over her selfish behavior and realize that she has a husband and marriage. Give her an ultimatum and tell her to suck it up. Either she seek counseling or you will need to separate. Sex is normal and its one of the great things about being married, isn't it?
My mom (who is very frank about sex...)always told me that you may not feel like it before you start, but once you're into it you'll change your mind. Good luck to you.
2006-11-02 09:17:33 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well, if she a) too selfish to "put out" at least once in a while, and b) refuses to get help or improve her condition - I don't see what you can possibly do. You can't *make* someone get help. I would suggest counseling, but I'm afraid this will be something your wife will refuse to do as well. To be honest - if I were you, I would probably find something on the side with no strings attached, and keep the marriage as is. Something she doesn't know about can't hurt her.
2006-11-02 09:19:54 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Does any of her reasons sound legit to you? She may think she will get pregnant again. If this is a big fear then you may want to talk about a vasectomy. If you decide to stray then tell her before you do and this may wake her up. I think she is being selfish and you have been understanding and without sex for too long. I don't think you can have a marriage with out some sex. Will she do oral? This is one way of getting intimate with out risk of pregnancy. If she wont help you out then she doesn't love you enough to try. How long does a depression last? Don't kid yourself. I would get some with or without her help.
2006-11-02 09:16:32 · answer #5 · answered by Chuck C 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I first have to commend you for not straying from your wife. I know that is hard. I would have to agree with alot of the other advice given, seek counseling.
*Just as a side note, I have not been so interested in sex with my husband after my last child either, but I give it up for him every once in a while. He doesn't like that I'm not too into it, but hey, at least he's getting some. Don't be too hard on her if it takes her awhile to take care of herself to be ready for intimacy again. Also, remember that intimacy doesn't always need to be intercourse.
2006-11-02 09:14:48 · answer #6 · answered by Stacy 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I agree with the above answer, marriage counseling certainly seems in order. You're a very patient man for staying faithful this long. I really respect that. Your wife probably will need your continued love and support if you go to counseling together. Good luck to both of you!
2006-11-02 09:12:12 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to have your priorities in order. If staying with your wife is important to you, than you have to make that known to her. If she is committed to the marriage she should want to get help. If you go to her with your need for intimacy and affection and she refuses, you then have to weigh out what you have against what you need. It takes two willing people to make a marriage work, one person can't do it alone. You may be making some hard choices soon. Good luck.
2006-11-02 10:54:20 · answer #8 · answered by Special K 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know what you are talking about. I got the same way after my son was born. I know you guys don't think it really helps, my husband didn't either, but marriage counseling is the only thing that saved my marriage. We had the paper work filed, and the court date set for a divorce. Then we tried our last resort. It really helped. It saved my marriage. Thank God. That was this past January and my husband and I are happy and together!!!!!
It really does help, you could ask my husband. He recommends it to people now.
2006-11-02 09:11:19 · answer #9 · answered by ♥♥♥♥Rebel Racin' Gal♥♥♥♥♥ 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Go directly to marriage counseling. If she'll go with, great, if not, go alone. Something is wrong - very wrong, and I believe its more than a mild case of depression. Please, find someone you are comfortable talking to. Allow your wife to help you pick the counselor - hopefully she will appreciate that you are willing to seek help. Don't make it be about her. Make sure she understands that you want to do everything in your power to ensure a healthy and happy relationship for both of you
2006-11-02 09:09:34 · answer #10 · answered by lysamariebetts 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋