my husband has had an affair for a year with a woman he works with?

Question

My husband had an affair 2 years ago with the secretary at work that bombed out for him she wanted money. He waited a year and started another affair with a woman older than him with smaller children and continued this affair for a year. Several times the mistress emailed me and told me about the affair and he would break it off and then they would start it over again. Now she has found someone else, he says he wants us to work it out and stay together but this is twice in a row he has done this and each time it is during the fall of the year. I really dont understand what he is thinking we have been together for over 15 years and he just says that he thought the grass was greener on the other side. Well how many times does he have to check the other grass? I love him with all my heart but right now I am really confused as to what to do. He always tells me he loves me and always has but I wonder about that. I feel like I am just convenient to him.

Answer 1

Give him the lawn mower for the green grass and divorce his cheating @ss.

He has proven himself to be a serial cheater, once you may be able to forgive, but any trust you had is now destroyed. He wants to work it out because he doesn't want to loose half of everything and be left trying to find companionship on his own.

Its either go for the divorce, or spend the rest of you life wondering if he is being faithful anytime he is out of your sight.

Answer 2

Once is more then enough unless you and your husband will cooperate for you to heal.
Infidelity is always destructive, and often fatal, to a marriage. In your case a systematic infidelity is even more destructive but it is possible to avoid allowing infidelity to bring a marriage to an end, however.
Discovering the betrayal and anticipating the potential loss of the person most important in your life causes great distress. Unlike the trauma of death, which has an end and can be compensated for by positive elements in the relationship, infidelity undermines all that is good in the relationship and the pain seems to have no natural end point. Although not welcomed, death is to be expected at some point in a marriage. Betrayal is not. The victim of betrayal questions if the spouse ever loved them, and if so, what they might have done to lose it. It is as if the adulterous spouse has thrown dirt in the river of their marriage contaminating the water behind them and before them.
To recover from trauma, a victim has a natural tendency to go back to the traumatic experience, questioning, going over details repetitiously: “What did you do? Where? When? How often?” The traumatized spouse must go over the events until the emotional distress caused by them becomes manageable. They must reach a point where they feel there are no more surprises.
Often, the betraying spouse wants to get things over quickly, after admitting to their infidelity. They must develop empathy for what the betrayed spouse is experiencing, and be willing to live with the pain of guilt, until genuine healing can occur. In addition, the betraying spouse may learn something about them self in the questioning process. They may begin to see their own motives, vulnerabilities, and selfishness. If both spouses can tolerate and control the emotions involved, they may come to a joint understanding of how the infidelity occurred, signaling the beginning of a more substantial level of recovery. Recovery usually takes 1 to 3 years.

Answer 3

Wow that's a tricky one, what I am going to tell you may sound pretty harsh but I have a strong opinion about cheating. I believe that if your spouse cheats on you it's time to move on, because in many cases if they do it once then there most likely going to continue the behavior, as in your situation. This is not to say that your husband doesn't love you, but he may love you like a sister or a mother. When he cheats he totally dissrespects you and because you allow him to say sorry and get over it, he will probably continue this behavior forever. I'm not saying you should run out and get a divorce but maybe you should separate for a while and let him feel what it is like not having you. If it becomes party time for him then you will know but if he is miserable than maybe you should try and work things out.

Answer 4

WELL I NO HOW U FEEL. MY HUSBAND HAS ALSO GONE OUTSIDE THE MARRIAGE. NOT EVERY YEAR. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 4 10 YRS. LAST YR HE MESSED UP AROUND THIS TIME ALSO. I WAS PREGNANT SO IT WAS REALLY BAD ON ME. I DIDN'T THINK WE WOULD WORK THINGS OUT OR THAT I EVEN WANTED TO. BUT AFTER MONTHS OF TALKING AND TAKING THINS SLOW WE REALIZE WE LOVED EACH OTHER AND IT WAS WORTH GIVING IT ANOTHER GO I DIDN'T BUT ALL THESE YEARS IN FOR NOTHING. IT WASN'T 4 THE KIDS EITHER.

I HOPE HE HASN'T DONE THIS EVERY YR TO U IF SO I WOULD SAY IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON. IF U FEEL YOU CAN GIVE IT ANOTHER GO THEN GO 4 IT. JUST DON'T BECOME HIS DOORMAT. I DO BELIEVE THAT SOME GUYS DO IT BECAUSE THEY FEEL THEY CAN. IF HE FEELS U WON'T EVER REALLY GO HE MAY JUST THINK HE CAN GET AWAY W/IT. U NEED TO BE STRONG AND REALLY PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN IF HE REALLY WANTS THINGS TO WORK LIKE U DO HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO BE FAITHFUL IF HE WANTS HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TO HE NEEDS TO JUST GO AND STOP PUTTING U THOUGH THE PAIN. I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK!

Answer 5

Quite frankly, if you stay with him at this point, you deserve what you get.

I don't mean to be rude, but at some point, you need to wake up and understand that he doesn't love you. You are just his safety; someone to have around the house until he finds someone that he thinks is better.

Your husband will continue to do this until he either finds a woman that he can leave you for, or until he gets too old that no other women are willing to sleep with him.

There is no reason you should remain married to this man unless you approve of him sleeping with other women. If you do not approve of this, yet stay with him anyway, you are a fool.

Again, I'm not trying to be mean, but someone needs to be realistic with you, because based on your question, you are obviously not being realistic with yourself. Stop allowing yourself to be a victim and do something with your life that will help you to be happy.

Answer 6

Girl please, the last thing you need to do id feel pity for yourself! YOU are WORTH A LOT MORE THAN HE IS!!!! You have to really think this out especially is there are kids involved. They are the ones that suffer- no matter the age-they will feel it. I really suggest that you separated and give yourself time to think. Once they cheat they will do it again! He has already done it twice! No matter how much you love him, value yourself! Do you want to end up with some kind of infection or HIV! Protect yourself at all times! Good Luck! God Be with you!

Answer 7

You just answered your own question...you are just convenient to him. When he gets tired of you, he finds something new to play with, then when that falls through he knows you will take him back. I would take him somewhere if I were you, and that's not back....I would take him to court, after of course you get the divorce papers. I don't know why some people choose to let the person walk all over them, then play the victim when it happens again. There should be no confusion...leave him, or better yet, kick his a** out! Good luck :)

Answer 8

Sign the divorce papers and kick out your husband right away.. Cheating in a married life is not leading anywhere.. cheating is to show that you never cared for your other half. You should have divorced him last year.. if he cheated last year, doesn't mean he's not going to do the same thing again agiain and again.. Think about this mam... answer this question.. "do i really want to spend all my life with someone that I don't even trust?"..

Answer 9

Sounds to me like he is a snake in the grass. He is using you big time!! Now you may want to give him another chance, but you need to conditionalize the agreement with a "If you do this again" clause which states that you will throw his sorry a*s out if he does it again. Then - follow through. If he happens to mean what he is saying, he will straighten out. If not - then please do what is best for you and get rid of him. You have to wake him up out of his dream world. Let him know that you are hurt deeply by his unfaithfulness, and that you will give him only one more chance. Don't play games with him either.

Answer 10

I think it is big of him to even get NEAR you after what he has done, and to confes it to you. That is the first step.. but before I took him back he would have to jump every cartwheel in the world before I would..... I would INSIST that he goes to counseling.. if he does not fix what made him cheat in the first and SECOND place, he will do it again.. he needs to work on HIS issues.. and I would INSIST that he do so.

In the meantime, I would suggest that you become the best you that you can possibly be.. don't sit around and wait on him.. work out, get NEW friends, new INTERESTS.. let him know that he has to do some serious stuff on his part before he EARNS his way back into your life.

This has dragged on for far too long...If he's not willing to face it with a trained counselor and other things to prove it, you need to move on and get HIS chaos out of your life. You deserve better, not just his left overs.