Can anyone advise me. I am married, but very unhappy in my relationship with my husband?

Question

I care for him as a friend, he does not know this, but my problem is, I fancy this other younger man, I am in my mid 40's he is in his late 30s, I cant stop thinking about him, I think he knows I like him, and I think he likes me also, but neither of us is saying a word, can you advise, what would you do? I am to shy to come out with it and say somthing, and also, if it came down to it, I dont think I could ever do anything with this man, just to scared to hurt people, what should I do please advise.

Answer 1

If you are unhappy in your marriage then decide what to do about that first......

Answer 2

I would say be honest. Be honest with your husband first of all. Tell him that you do not love him but think of him as a friend. If you think that you will never be able to stay faithful to him and will always hanker after someone else, do the decent thing and leave him so that he can get on with his life and find someone who can love him.
Think about what would happen if you had a fling with this other man and in 6 months he turned out to be a complete ****. You will have thrown away a good relationship for nothing.
You have to make a decision wether to seperate from your husband so that you can have sex with this other man (your feelings are only lust, not love) or whether to stay with your husband and work through the problems you are having. Perhaps marriage guidance councilling might help? Nobody can make the decision for you. You have to sit down and think hard about what you want in the long term. If sex with this other man is more important than your stable, if boring, relationship with the man you are married to, then do right by your husband and leave him. If you value him in any way you MUST be honest with him.
I feel this is just a mid life crisis because your marriage has become mundane. You and your husband could make the effort to rekindle the love you felt for him once (and probably still do deep down). This is probably unfashionable advice since giving up and doing what is best for YOU seems to be the modern way regardless of whether it is right for you in the long term.

Answer 3

The more and more people i talk to that are married just seem to be giving up at the first hurdle. It is such a waste of time and it causes so much pain.

Why did you get married?
When did you get married?
Do you have children?
Are you having a mid life crisis?

Sit down and answer these questions truthfully.

You said that your husband doesn't know that you don't love him. Do you not think he should be the first to know if something is wrong? Are you so selfish that all you can think about is this other man? You know that it will all end in tears don't you? You go ahead and ruin your life and marriage for a younger man but when he leaves you for a younger woman don't say you were not warned.

Talk to your husband.. he deserves that much having put all his faith, love, friendship and future in you. Don't be a hateful,selfish person - at least not to him.

Answer 4

I think you need to ask yourself if you were happy with your husband before this younger man came along. If you have been with your husband a long time things cant stay the same all the time. There are periods of discontent with any relationship which have to be worked through. Who is to say you wouldnt be unhappy if anything were to happen with this younger man in time.
Long term relationships loose that initial "love" and develop into a deeper more meaningful love. That initial feeling is only ever there initailly. If you are trying to achieve that again you could end up moving on each time it lessens.

You need to be careful to not rush into a decision, you may not be able to take it back if you decide to move on. There are no guarantees in any relationship, but you must have stayed with your husband till now for a reason.

I wish you all the best for the future and think it through.

Answer 5

So Sandy, are you just going to continue on like this for the rest of your life? If so, then accept it and forget about this other man. Otherwise, we're not getting any younger. If you are going to resent the fact that you never gave yourself the chance to explore or find excitement, then make your move. Without judgment, you need to do what's right for you. Of course most the ladies are going to say don't cheat. I say, nature gives us these desires, while marriage is a man-made institution which is at times contrary to who we really are. Maybe it's just time for you to experiment a little in order to learn what is going to bring you true happiness. I'm not telling you what to do, but we only live once. A shame to waste it sitting on the fence and in either case, enjoy. Also know, that this thing with this other guy will most likely just be a fling. Would be wise to accept that before you dive in with some sort of expectations.

Answer 6

When did you "fall out of love" with your husband? Was it before or after the other man came into the picture? If you are truly unhappy, get a divorce and move on. Don't use the other man as an escape or reason to get a divorce. Really talk to your husband and tell him you are unhappy. Maybe you could try counseling. Just do not cheat on your husband. Happy or not, infidelity is still a sin. Who needs guilt on top of unhappiness.

Answer 7

If you are unhappy in your relationship, consider why you are unhappy. Do you think the other man will make you happier? DO you think you could actually get used to the way another man thinks, acts, and does things? Maybe you just need to talk to your husband about why you are unhappy. If you can't come to a real solution, maybe take a trial seperation for a while and see what you find out. I hope this works for you. Take care!

Answer 8

i think you should maybe try to separate the two problems 1) unhappy with husband 2) new man on the scene

i think i would probably first sort out the situation with my husband, either decide to make a go of things or tell him it isn't working and make a fresh start. easier said than done i know.
then when its all settled down you will be thinking clearer and will know if this young chap is really for you or if you were just craving a bit of love and attention during your crappy time at home.
not sure if these are words of wisdom or not but hope it helps :)

Answer 9

you sound very lonely and bored the younger guy may seem more interesting and adventurous Its not worth the mental turmoil of hurting everyone have you children? if so i suggest you reassess your true feelings if you cant live with your husband anymore (and lets face it) you need a husband not a friend then start to make plans for your future without him i think you like the fantasy of a sexual encounter with another man but in reality it would terrify you. I am also in my early 40s life can improve you know. you are stagnating but what ever you decide take a deep breath and move on to your future

Answer 10

No use staying in a relationship if you are unhappy, sit down with him and have a discussion to see if you can come to some sort of amiccable agreement, i know you say that you are shy but as i say there is no use on keep on being unhappy, because if you get too unhappy then you will find it harder not to let something happen with this other bloke and more people will get hurt

Answer 11

The way you are mentioning your honest feeling about this young man, you should say directly to your husband and tell him also that, you don't think that you could do anything with that young man. Perhaps you too get a good feeling for each other.
This way you are not honest with your husband at this moment and that is the reason of your bad relation. You are not doing fare with your husband at the moment. You should think, if he would have done same with you, how would you feel ?