Is it wrong to have a close relationship with your ex-inlaws?

Question

I have been divorced for almost a year now and still have a close relationship with my ex-inlaws. I have always been close to them over the past 10+ years. I also have three of their grandchildren. Their son, my ex has little to do with them or our kids, and I feel its up to me to help facilitate a relationship. The problem is my fiance seems to think my contact with them should be minimal. He feels its not my responsibility to make sure they have contact with my kids. He gets upset when I talk with them and always refer to them as my EX inlaws. These are people who have been a big part of my life, I personally have a family that is basically not part of my life. I want to be able too have my ex inlaws over for the holidays. Am I wrong and how can i make fiance understand.

Answer 1

It would be very strange if I'd remarried or were in a new relationship. As grandparents, they have the right to see their grand children (in my opinion), but hanging out with them and calling them all the time would not be on the table.

Answer 2

It's a difficult position. It's understandable that you are still close to people who were a good part of your life for so long. Given that they are more your family than your own makes it even more sticky. And since your kids are minors and their father isn't in the picture, you are the only adult to help them keep a relationship with their grandparents. You shouldn't have to give them up, but you will need to put some boundaries in place in order to keep your relationship with your fiance from failing.

Your fiance probably sees this as you trying to cling to the old while starting something new, having cake and eating it too. He wants to be the man in your life, and you have to understand that he feels threatened. The in-laws are not his, they are a remnant from your former marriage that hasn't gone away. That might make him feel that *maybe* the first husband didn't really go away, either. Perhaps in time, you can have the "one big happy family" that you want, but right now pushing that is just picking at a festering sore for your fiance. He'll end up resenting you.

I would suggest slowing down the attempts to integrate in-laws and fiance. I would discuss with your fiance a plan to help everyone ease into this and give both of you a chance to air your feelings. I also would mention to him that as the kids get older, YOUR need for participation in the kids' relationships with their grandparents will lessen -- they can call, write, and visit on their own without you and finace.

But in the meantime, BOTH of you will have to compromise. For instance, maybe you can cut back your time on the phone with them. Maybe you talk only 5 minutes instead of 10, or only talk on the phone once a week instead of 3. (This goes for YOUR interaction with them, not the kids'.) Making new traditions is important for new families and helps bind them together, helps adjustments work better. For holidays, maybe have time for grandparents to visit, and time alone with your little family unit. If you celebrate Christmas, maybe some time on Christmas eve with the grandparents and Christmas morning just your family, for example. Maybe even the kids could have their own holiday time with grandpa and grandma while you and fiance have your own special time. Don't make the fiance share his entire holiday with them -- otherwise how will you start your own traditions?

I think if you start listening to your fiance, showing him that you are willing to work to make him more comfortable and start new traditions, he would be more willing to accept the inlaws and give on a few things, too.

Answer 3

Well, being that you have their Grandchildren and they were a part of your life for 10+ years I can understand why you still have them in your life. But, I also feel that you should try to understand your Fiance's point view as well. Your with someone new now that you have made as a member of your Family as well and with him comes more Family, (new In-Laws). Have your new Family over for the Holidays and make a dinner before Christmas or Thanksgiving for the ex In-Laws if you feel so adamant. But keep your Fiance's feelings in mind and try to be understanding. Good Luck!!!

Answer 4

You aren't wrong. It's important that your children still see their grandparents. These people aren't some random strangers you can just throw away. It's always hard to go through a divorce, especially if there are children involved.

It depends on how close you mean by close. If you have them over for dinner once a week, that's a problem. But visiting with them and your children is no problem at all. I think your fiance is jealous and afraid that they will take you from him or convince you to get back with your husband. I think you need to work through that together.

Answer 5

You need to change your approach. Instead of YOU wanting them around because they were (key word were) a big part of your life, instead you need to make it more for your kids then you. Grandparents can be a wonderful blessing and if they are willing and able to be a part of your children's lives, then they deserve it and your kids deserve it.

You are starting a new life with your fiance and he needs to understand that, but at the same time you need to understand his feelings. He is thinking that you are holding on to them tighter than you need to and for your own reasons and not the kids.

Refocus your relationship with your ex-inlaws to be more about the kids and less about yourself and hopefully your fiance will come around.

Answer 6

Your fiance needs to understand that it is very important for your children to have a relationship with their grandparents, and that your former in-laws are going to be a part of your lives because of the children. As far as your relationship with them, I don't see any reason why you can't remain friends. I really do commend you for facilitating a relationship between your children and former in-laws, because it's important for children to have a relationship with their grandparents. Especially if their father has very little to do with them. They need to know who they are and who their family is. And your fiance should already know this. You shouldn't have to make him understand.

Answer 7

I do not see a problem with that at all. If you get along with them, then what is the deal? You have known them for years, and want to continue the relationship with them. You are lucky to still be in "good" with them, most relationships with in-laws crumble after the divorce, because most want to blame the other, not their son/daughter. If it is interfering with you and your fiance, then I would cut the visiting time with them down a bit. Good luck! :)

Answer 8

You were part of their family for over 10 years. You're fiance should understand that but tell him that no matter how you feel towards them, he will always be a part of your life. He may feel insecure about the whole situation.

Sit him down and try to explain the situation to him and try to get him to see your side of it. Your kids deserve to see their grandparents as much as they want and you cant deprive them of that, no matter what..

Answer 9

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Answer 10

It is now not a marriage relationship, but a freindship.

These people are your friends and are to be accorded that level of courtesy reserved for friends