My wife of 11 years is dying of cancer. Before she was diagnosed we were in the process of separating. She suffers from severe depression, and needless to say our love life disappeared when she started antidepressants. Regardless of what I tried to spark the relationship, she just turned me down - to the point I got tired of it and stopped asking. She's 49 and I'm 33 - that also has some factor in the matter as well as at this point in my life, I'm ready for kids. The Cancer has spread and is incurable, so it's a matter of time before she does die from it, but it could be several years. I told her that I would stay and see her through this journey. I feel I owe her that at least – we’re still close – like best friends.
I think I'm at the point that I want to start dating again. I have had a couple of women approach me and express interest. They know the details of my wife's situation, and my unhappiness. Do I tell my wife I'm seeing others, or go behind her back?
2006-11-02 01:10:26 · 16 answers · asked by Benjamin P 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I feel your pain. Thats not an easy position to be in and it must be very confusing for you. I would say do what you can for your wife, but also follow your heart. If you neglect yourself in the care for your wife - you'll resent her after she passes. I think she probably wants you to be happy - and if you guys were seperating then she knows you probably need more than she can give you - therefore - approach it like the miliatary - don't ask - don't tell - I think she'll appreciate you being a man to her even if you are no longer there just for her.
2006-11-02 04:56:57 · answer #1 · answered by InTheGroove 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I give you credit for standing by her side thru this terrible thing she is now going thru. My mother died of cancer and my father was there thru it all. But you are still married to her regardless and she is still very much alive. If you want to go on with your life and find another woman and have children it's up to you to tell your wife your plans. I know it may seem painful but at the same time it would only be right. You mentioned you were planning a separation before she found she had cancer so I'm sure she knows how the marriage was not going as it should be anyways. You could still end things where you will still be there for her as her friend but that's up to you both. good luck to you.
2006-11-02 09:22:39 · answer #2 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This problem transcends all the normal platitudes regarding fidelity.
There is not a single person who can tell you to do anything one way or the other.
There is also no one who can blame you for having a physical relationship somewhere. Keep it discreet and very quiet.
You have already faced a number of things which have weighed on you mentally but there are more coming. Separation, divorce, cancer, death, all issues coming up which will preclude you from having any substantial relationship with another woman. There will be women in your circle who recognize that you are an honorable guy who has his plate full right now. They also see how you are handling things and appreciate it. They also wish to have a guy who acts that way, honorably. Your time with them will come.
Good Luck on this one.
2006-11-02 09:42:46 · answer #3 · answered by Flagger 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have you and your wife talked about if she wants you to move on after she is gone etc. Her wishes for you things like that? If so and you want children I would say in 4 even 5 years you will be considered an older parent if you wait if you have talked to your wife about How she feels about you moving on what is the difference in doing it now and doing it it after she is gone.. You are a great man for sticking by her and you shouldn't have to keep suffering and putting your life on hold IF YOU WERE GOING TO SEPARATE BEFORE SHE GOT SICK>
2006-11-02 09:47:43 · answer #4 · answered by momof2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is a tough question i think if i was your wife and had the cancer i would want you to be happy ,how ever a woman never wants to know that her husband is with another woman but know you wife knows you have needs at 33 you are in the prime of your life,if i was in this situation i think i would not tell her it is obvious that you care about her or you would not stand beside her but you need to take care of you to,i think i would maybe talk to these woman that have express interest and tell them up front that you are obligated to your wife but you are lonely and need conpaminship to,you will just have to follow your heart on this,
2006-11-02 09:25:40 · answer #5 · answered by just_me_1955 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you have a committment to your wife.Cancer is a wicked disease I lost my husband to cancer at the age of 32 your wife needs you now more than ever don't let her carry this burden alone.Could you imagine knowing that you are going to die and there is nothing that can be done about it.I understand that you are ready for kids but you are still young.chances are if and when you remarry the woman would be younger than you,and ready for a family.
2006-11-02 09:22:06 · answer #6 · answered by leoslady3900 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you made a choice to stay and are living with her then you honor that commitment that you made to stay and see her through this. That is what you promised. You didn't promise her you would stay and see other people, so you in effect laid your word out that you would honor your commitment to her.
If all that changed then for sure you owe it to her to tell her it has changed.
Put yourself on her end of this, wouldn't you want to know what she was up to if it was you?
Honesty is always best.
2006-11-02 09:13:35 · answer #7 · answered by yeller 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough question. I believe you owe it to her to tell her what is going on. You have to assure her that you are still there for her, and that nothing in your relationship will change. You do not want to be the guy who is cheating on his wife while she lay at home on her death bed.
2006-11-02 09:29:36 · answer #8 · answered by Bill 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think that if you can have your dating life so that it doesnt affect time with your wife, then you should keep it quiet. She must have enough going through her mind, just be happy round her so she can live her last however long happily.
2006-11-02 09:17:21 · answer #9 · answered by Chez 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all...your a good man. And...I think....it's better not to tell her...because you don't want her to worry or cause her additional pain than what she is already going through. So...just see someone with her knowledge...and when the right time comes you can tell her smoothly
2006-11-02 09:13:27 · answer #10 · answered by Citizen 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋