help me! i married the wrong man at 19 years old?

Question

i was very young and naive and blinded by the excitement of marraige, i thought id found the one. im now 20 and we have been married 11 months. we have a 6 week old baby boy. what should be such a great time im so unhappy. for the whole of my married life its been hell. hes possesive and controlling, i cant wear make up, go out with friends, he has such a temper, hes never hit me but put his fist through doors, broke mirrors etc.im scared to talk to him or ask him anything im not allowed to be happy. ive tried to leave so many times but he turns on the charm and makes me feel sorry for him, he'll also say he will commit suicide if i leave. he says i am a bad mother for splitting a family up and taking a baby away from his dad. i have to lie about where im going when i see my friends and do anything for myself.my life feels to be passing me by i regret my marraige so much and wish every day i could turn the clock back. has anyone else been in my situation?i feel so alone

Answer 1

Hi Charlie, well you and your man have both survived in this relationship for this long, have you learnt all you need to know from each other? I think most people reading your question will see that you want out. It could be easy to say maybe you have some post natal depression but it sounds like it has been bad for a long time. I found the first six weeks with my first baby one of the most difficult in my life, it was like a slap in the face, so I can only imagine how hard it must be without the support and love you must be craving at this point in time.

Still, this is not about sympathy or feeling sorry, my answer is about being strong and moving on.... I can certainly relate to staying in a bad relationship with a man with a violent personality, getting together with him when you're both too young to know any better, changing the way you behave to keep a peaceful atmosphere in the house, doing what you can to keep him in a good mood etc. You said it 'i thought id found the one' - you haven't. He isn't the one for you and you are not 'the one' for him, he needs some time on his own to learn and grow from his mistakes before he moves on to his next relationship, don't buy into any rubbish about suicide. You care greatly about this man, and he knows it, just decide that you will not be manipulated into staying with him.

I believe you know what is best for you and your baby and I don't think you have any room for a needy, immature, selfish, bad tempered man in your life, even if you love him. I understand that you can feel for him, most likely a great deal of sympathy has replaced the attraction and love you once felt, you need to let him go. You will be doing him a favour in the long run because he will then have the opportunity to learn. I also understand that it can seem safer and less scary to stay in a bad situation that is familiar than start down a path of the unknown, but your unknown has some certainties...freedom to be you, freedom to dress as you wish, freedom to see your friends, freedom to speak, freedom from fear, freedom from manipulation, freedom from guilt. You owe each other nothing, you may feel you have made mistakes and the wrong decisions (many people have) but none of it is really wrong if you see what you have learnt and gained from your experience.

I just want to add here that you must not base any of your decision on what others may think. All those people who may think you are happily married, the people who may have given you presents at your wedding, his friends, your friends, parents, family etc. It doesn't matter what they think. What matters is that you create a positive environment for you and your baby. If others understand and support you, that's great, if not keep focused on what you want. My understanding of your question is that what you want is the freedom to be you, to live without fear, to live without the guilt and manipulative behaviour, to live as an adult making your own decisions, to not feel alone.

It was the last thing you wrote that prompted me to write. You deserve to feel love. I know being a new mum can be a very lonely place in itself, so I really want to encourage you to hold on to your courage and move on. Even though you will be in an emotional turmoil write down an action plan for leaving and what you will do once you do. Join mothers groups, plan time with your friends, contact support places, plan to do one nice thing for you each day.

The question you asked was 'has anyone else been in my situation?' My answer is yes. I hope that by reading supportive answers that you feel even just a tiny bit less alone. Others have been there, and life can be all the better for what you have learnt, what you now know.

Good thoughts and wishes to you.

Answer 2

Controlling men like that only get worse, and now you have the baby to think of too. He hasnt hit you yet, but if he is angry enough to break mirrors etc evenutally he will start hitting you as well. This is the pattern of such men.

I suggest you immediately get in touch with someone who could help you make plans to get away from him. Don't let him know you plans and when they are in place, just go. If you tell him he will try and prevent you, perhaps violently.

I hope you have a mother to go to, or a trusted friend.

You are very young and can start again. I also got married for the first time at 19, although he wasnt like your husband. You are not alone, many women are in your situation.

Answer 3

It sounds like you're in a very tough situation!! I hope I can help.

Your husband's actions (being possesive, breaking things, threating to commit suicide if you leave, and then turning on the charm to make you stay) are all classic signs of an abusive relationship. Yes, you are in an abusive relationship.

You are the one who will need to recognize this before any change can be made.

Once you recognize you are in an abusive situation, there are a few ways to continue. One, is to stay and take it. (BAD option.) Two, is to find a good marriage counselor and the two of you go together and get some real help. He will need counseling too. As before, if he doesn't see he is abusive, he won't change. Three, you could leave. (might be your best bet, at such a young age.) There are numerous ways to do this: woman's shelter, local abuse centers, enlist of the aid of a trusted family member or friend, etc.

It is up to YOU to make this decision. You are not only making this decision for yourself, you are making it for your baby boy too. Do you want him living in that kind of household? The choice is yours: get help, or get out. It's your call.

If you decide to leave, there is help; you're NOT alone. May God grant you the wisdom to know what to do and the strength to do it. Love shouldn't hurt.

Answer 4

Hi

I know this isn't going to be a popular answer, but reading between the lines this doesn't seem to be a one sided "problem"
I am sure that you are unhappy with the situation, but it DOES take two to tango
He hasn't hit you, he hits/breaks inanimate objects, which is a good sign
The fact that he is so "angry" could well mean that he feels the same way you do (married too young, feels confined etc etc etc) he just has a different way of showing it

Before you simply give up and go, why not ry sorting it out, that's what marriage is all about.

Is there someone (grandparent?) you can leave the baby with, just for a few hours, so you can tlak to your husband? Don't forget, he IS your husband, you married him, you made vows

I wish both of you luck, and the strength and patience to work it out.

Don't give up until you've tried, please

Answer 5

Omg! you are so not alone! Why are you falling for his charm?? Take the baby and go. Have you got your mum around? Can you move in with her for a while? You need support as well as a roof over your head at the minute. Trust me, I did it when my daughter was two. My husband kept turning up and crying and made me feel awful and without my mums support I would have gone back to him out of guilt. Four years later I have re-married, have a baby son and I've never been happier. It's hard and it's a long road but you need to be strong or you will look back in ten years and still be wondering how you're going to get out of it. Do it now. No if's and but's.

Answer 6

my mother sat it through for 12 years and in the end divorced him but he had affairs and did hit her. He is using emotional blackmail to control you like playing good cop bad cop try being strong and not letting him win if he is that eager to keep you than you can try hitting back wear the make up, go out with the friends he can only do 3 things either leave you, loose control and hit you or accept the change in circumstances and accept you and have a loving marriage - if he leaves you then ok he decided, if he hits you, you only allow a man 1 hit you never 2 therefore you leave him on good grounds and get the protection of the Court if he accepts it and changes all good. Good Luck

Answer 7

This is truly sad so many people jump into marriage thinking they are deeply in love when they aren’t and later realize. It also seems you’re in what could develop into a violent relationship. I say take the courage and leave and get a divorce.

A baby will certainly not make a marriage work, all it does is give people another poor excuse to remain together. If there is no love in the marriage before children there isn’t going to be any once kids come.

Answer 8

Hi is if been in that situation. I am 21 years old and been married for 4 months. And that is 4 months of anger. I cry myself at sleep at night. I just do not know what to do. I feel like I cant get divorce. But I must. My hubbie just feel there is nothing wrong. The last month he work till late at night and then he just want sex and I cant sleep with him if he is like that with me. Just do not know what to do any more. He want I baby know. Do you thing is the right time for a baby. Everyone tell me the baby will make the marriage work

Answer 9

Get out while you're young and before you have more children! But once you get away...do NOT allow him to charm his way back into your life. You have done this and he ALWAYS goes back to treating you this way. He will continue to control, and sadly the abuse will more than likely become physical. At any rate, you are being emotionally abused. You're young and should get out and start a new life for you and your baby. I hope your family and friends are supportive. Good luck. And when he says you're a bad mother for breaking the family up...know in your heart that you're saving your baby from growing up in fear and abuse by getting out

Answer 10

Honey, I married the wrong man at 18, had a baby at 19, divorced him at 21.

I'm 44 now. Never a moment's regret.

Control freaks and manipulators just get worse.

When my xH threatened suicide (for the umteenth time), I just yawned and said, "Fine. Just don't leave a big mess for me to clean up." and went to bed. Slept soundly.

The best thing you can do for your child is remove him from a very bad male role model's presence...make sure you get documentation that your H is mentally unstable (call the cops next time he threatens suicide, and get copies of the police report later). It will help you gain sole custody or at least supervised visitation.

Loneliness is the first step on the path of becoming an abused wife. I've been down that path, please trust me on this!!

email me if you want to....

YOU need a HUG!!

(((HUGS)))