Story Help?

Question

Ashley Jones opened the door and entered the house. She walked inside the house and saw a note. She read the note, it said murderer's don't live. She was scared, someone saw her commit the murder. She drank a glass of wine and sat on the chair. The telephone rang. She picked up the telephone. She heard a creepy voice. "You did the crime." She breathed heavily and put the telephone down.

Okay i was just wondering how should i finish this story i made, i need to have it end with a twist. The reason i didn't use really good words is because i have to do this in french in the passe compose. Do you like it so far? what can i do to end it?

oh the reason it's so short is becuz it has to be 10 sentences only, and i'm not very very good in french. Otherwise i could write a much better english story. I'm thkning she opens the trunk picks her boyfriends body and umm not sure lol any ideas?

Answer 1

I hope there was more to the beginning of that story, it felt like I was reading it from the middle of a scene.

The note could have said "Murderer" or something like "I saw you" or "Die Murderer", etc.

Okay not the question you asked.
She thinks she's dreaming, things are just too strange. She walks around the house trying to figure out why she's not waking up. She goes outside and its pretty normal looking from where she is standing. Finally she is walking to her mail box, nothing out of place on her walk.
She gets her mail and finally looks up at the house from the road and sees her lawn is torn up near the garage, blood splatter is on the cement. She opens the garage door to see what happened to her car to discover .....

*put your twist in right there.

Or she wakes up, is groogy. Thinking to herself it really was all a bad dream. She tries to sit up but finds that she can't. The room is dark, only a small light comes thru the window. She is pinned down, can't cry out, just has to lay there and wonder where she is and how she got there. She can't remember anything past talking to her friend Lisa about a party.
Suddenly the room fills with light, a person enters the room, its a nurse. She now realizes she is in the hospital. She still can't move or speak. The nurse is talking to her, talking like she doesn't expect her to hear.

She wonders where her family is, why is no one in the room with her if she's in the hospital. Where are her friends? Her boyfriend? Her parents? The nurse continues to work in the room, a second nurse comes in. They talk like she can't hear them, they gossip.
One nurse says "She the only survivor" the other nurse replies "yes"
The nurses are talking about a tragic car accident, a drunk driver.
The nurses continue talking one says "Why is it the drunk is the one that always survives?"
She tries to say something, to she wants to tell them that she survived it too.
Slowly it begins to occur to her that she was the drunk driver.

Answer 2

I like it so far, it's actually very creepy the way you wrote it. I'd like to hear more about the actual crime. Or maybe better would be to describe her appearance when she enters the house, to suggest that she was in a struggle or something. Some questions: was the house locked? Where was the note? Are you implying that whoever put the note in the house has a key to the house? Describe her pouring the wine, her hands are shaking in nervousness, wine spilling all over, mixing with the blood on her hands.... Also, she should pause when the phone rings.. wondering if she should answer it or not, let it ring a few times to build suspense. How was the voice creepy? was it deep, muffled, what.. could she recognize it?

OK, I'm having a hard time trying to figure out a twist. Hmm. She looks down at the Caller ID and sees the phone #. She does a reverse search on the computer and finds the address. It's the address of her ex-husband who was stalking her at the time she committed the crime. The crime was she killed her boyfriend who attacked her, it was in self-defense. But she can't prove it was self-defense so she didn't report it. After all it was her fingerprints on the knife. She goes to the ex-husband's house and he's got the whole crime on videotape. He's edited it to make it look like she premeditated it and committed first degree murder. He even spliced in their old vacation footage from the Grand Canyon where she's saying "I'd kill anybody if they came between me and that ice cream stand right now!" He only included the first three words of the sentence. She tries to grab the videotape and they struggle when who should walk through the door but the boyfriend who is covered in blood but not dead. What happens next..hmm. maybe it's all fake blood because the whole thing was a setup arranged between Ashley and the boyfriend

Answer 3

She could get away with it only to be taken down by her own stupid mistakes such as leaving something at the crime location, like her own phone number on a tablet in the trash!
I like the story so far! Good luck with the ending I hope this gave you some ideas!!!

Answer 4

she try to find out who had phone her, she think hardly and make a conclusion, there are three suspect. first is the maid in her house (maybe she saw that body in that secret room inside her house, second is her ex boyfriend because he knows that she hate that person so much, third is her friend called janet that went to her house at the day she killed someone.

it's not really good especially the english, i'm just trying hehe

Answer 5

a magical cow came in and started to sing numa numa and all was well!

Answer 6

u killed everything in your garden!

Answer 7

she left the message in order to train herself not to be sacred. i dunno, its not much.