after a very dark period in our lives and 6-7 different men i chose to stay with her. 8 years later i still wonder if i made the right choice. of course i stayed for my children but will it always hurt this much? can i ever get past it ? i mean i can never trust her again but is there any hope at all? my boys are almost grown now and i dont believe she has cheated for a very long time .. so what do you think?
2006-11-01 15:15:42 · 37 answers · asked by askmike 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Wow, you have more character than most guys.
I am thinking that this is well and truly over in her mind, she would probably be surprised to know that you still think about it yes?
Are you going to be any happier if you leave her once the kids are grown?
If you become single again at this time of life it will almost certainly take quite some time to get over that, and then find the right woman. Then IF that works you marry her and settle down again, but another 5 - 10 years has passed by. None of this will change what happened in the past. Financially you will almost certainly be worse off.
It is OK you know to be a different person to the one you were before this happened. life's experiences do tend to change us.
What is worth it the most to you?
2006-11-01 15:22:04 · answer #1 · answered by teef_au 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
so many people say' once a cheater always a cheater' but I don't think this is always the case. There can always be an exception and it really depends on how sincerely your wife regretted her actions. If she was really remorseful and being caught out made her realise she really wanted you and had been an idiot then maybe it will work out because she can appreciate you more now. It depends if she has truly repented of this sin in her life. For your sake I hope so. Every person and relationship is different and you obviously believed your marriage was worth saving. This is an admirable quality these days and I hope you will work through these issues and have a stronger relationship than ever before.
2006-11-01 15:26:55 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is what i think. I cheated on my husband he was a way from me for 6 months and i had a relationship with his nephew while he was gone. I got pregnant by the nephew. My husband came back to me when i was two months along. He forgave me and i think it made our relationship stronger at times. We are going thru counceling now for other reasons but i have brought up the issue with the counceler and we are working on everythings as a whole. I feel that if a women cheats its for a reason she is not feeling loved or she is needing something she is not getting out of the relationship. This is only my opinnion. If this is still bothering you this much you need to talk to her about it and a counceler. If you can not get past it, it might be better for everyone if you both move on in your lives because you can' t have a relationship without trust and love. Good luck
2006-11-01 15:34:05 · answer #3 · answered by mistiful2001 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
People usually cheat because they feel they're not getting something from their spouse (this can be emotional or intellectual, not just physical). In order for you to get past this, you're going to have to examine what you might've done (or not done) that would cause her to seek out someone else, take responsibility for that, own it, forgive yourself for it, and then forgive her (I know, it's easier said than done). Doing those things will help you heal your own hurt and might just allow you to trust her (and yourself) again...and possibly save your marriage. Your feelings of distrust probably stem more from your own low self esteem (meaning you feel you weren't enough for her so she had to find someone else) than from her actually cheating on you again. Of course, she has to be willing to do all of this as well (and maybe she already has to some extent, especially if she hasn't cheated anymore), but if you're both treating each other with honor, respect, and love, the odds of either of you cheating are very, very small while the odds of you staying together and being happy are huge! So, essentially, the ball's in your court. I've experienced this kind of pain and come through the other side, so I can empathize. I wish you all the best, whatever you decide. Good Luck!
2006-11-01 15:26:16 · answer #4 · answered by ricktheirish1967 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
So, you need to decide if you are going let events in the past that you cannot change impact your life now. If you are happy now, and you can forgive and let sleeping dogs lie (remember you cheated too), then you should be good to go. If you cannot, then you have to decide how you want to manage it. There is a lot on the line with your marriage if you don't address it well. Yeah - those thoughts will come up, but I bet you think about your own infidelity as well. Remember this occurred when you were both young and not married.
2016-05-23 10:45:33 · answer #5 · answered by S 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why did she cheat and is she over that? If you can't get over it leave. I knew a couple where the wife cheated a week before the marriage and the husband never did get over it, it led to a very vicious marriage and 2 unhappy children, he was even told to end the marriage before it started but he didn't want to disappoint the guest. Anyway if you haven't got the trust back by now you never will. See what a counselor says , you could always remain civil to each other for the children.
2006-11-01 15:43:22 · answer #6 · answered by just me 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Forgiveness, trust and love are choices. We CHOOSE to do them, or we don't. You have chosen to not forgive, trust, or love.
It's been 8 years. I suspect this series of choices has become a habit with you by now and I am mostly surprised you are still letting it hurt so much.
I'd suggest you make up your mind. You are calling for us to tell you to leave her (all things you told us are bad and reasons to break up), but obviously you are resisting this option for some reason or you just would have done it.
What do YOU want? Her, or not her? It may take counselling to get over some issues and to help straighten out the kinks in your thinking, but it sure sounds like you want to choose her.
Take a deep breath, announce to her and the world that that was then, and this is now, and it is time for a renewal. You forgive her, and beg forgiveness for your own sin of making her live the last 8 years with this.
2006-11-01 15:26:00 · answer #7 · answered by Madkins007 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well now there is a subject near and dear to my heart, nice to know I'm not the only scmuck in this world. My wife has/had still having, an affair with a with one married guy, but it has been for the past 6 years. My yougest son is now 12 and so I am going thru a divorce, he wants to live with me, my oldest daughter (22) is estanged from both her mother and I and my other (21) son is doing just fine, Jr. Fresno St.
If some one says, hey you have to work on whats wrong with the marriage, tell them it TAKES TWO PEOPLE to want to get it right. When one of them wants to do what makes them happy and feel the other person listens better, understands better, pays more attention to them, etc, etc, etc, WELL DUH, the milk is FREE.
Follow your instincts, bail out, help yourself, make yourself better, after 27 years, I'm learning to do that myself and you may or may not be a Christian, but if you are, find someplace where people can help you take care and understand yourself better. My son (12) and I found a place and he is happy here. He does not like the rigid, regimented, distant theocracy of the Catholic Church, the do this and then that so you can be a member in good standing that his mother attends on x-mas, Easter, and when her parents come to visit. He has made friends and so have I, that do not judge us, but pray with us and are there for us.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST, THEN YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN!
2006-11-01 15:58:09 · answer #8 · answered by John H B 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are a very devoted father to have stayed with someone that has cheated one you that many times. I know that I could not have stayed with my husband after 1x. As for the pain, I am not sure that it will ever go away maybe it will lessen over time but that is something that is hard to forget let alone forgive. I commend you on your dedication to your boys but also sometimes staying together is not the best for the kids sometimes it is but sometimes it isnt. Your pain and anger and been felt and seen by children even if you think that you are not letting it show. I think that you deserve someone that cares for you and is devoted to you
2006-11-01 15:23:32 · answer #9 · answered by worriedmom 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
After all this time- I would think you - or actually she would have earned the trust back- hopefully she did- you are to be admired for your strength and tenacity- hopeully the love is there- and not just obligation- on both sides- counseling may help finish patching things up- instead of having the big pink elephant in the living room that everybody steps around and ignores- take care- D
2006-11-01 15:20:41 · answer #10 · answered by Debby B 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋