Gay brother - religious obligation or familial support?

Question

Usually, I would avoid discusing religious issues and would try not to impose my religious view on anyone, but this has me torn as a follower of God and a person.
I come from a traditional family in a country deeply ingrained in its religious culure (Islam) - and my brother is gay. My brother has always been kinda not into what our culture represents - he's quick tempered, sometimes discusses inappropriate things (are you on your period?) and not very respectful to our parents - e.g. disses them in front of them, and I'm pretty sure they coud hear him too. This migh not sound bad to some people but here that's just shockingly rude behaviour. He's not a family values person; at least, not this family.
But of course, I love my bro. He can be sweet a lot of the times. And helpful and nice. Right now, I don't encourage his lifestyle, nor do I preach in front of his face. But I feel that if I leave him be - I'm sorry if this offends anyone - I'm leaving him to a life of 'sin'. I'm scared for him. I'm pretty sure my parents suspect, maybe even already know (I saw his porn in their room - evidence?) but aren't saying anything. The rate he's going (pictures on his bedroom floor, desktop background...), it will only be a matter of time before they have to face this head-on and I don't know what they'd do.
Personally, honestly, I have nothing against it, but doesn't my religion obligate me to do something? Should I do something? Or leave him be and let him be happy however he chooses to be? There is no hate from me, I truly love him. As annoying he could be sometimes, I wouldn't replace him for anything.

I'm in no way saying that I will abandon him or anything like that just for his orientation; that I wouldstop loving him because of it. Only if I should do anything. If he can't help being gay, then doesn't religion say to resist temptation? What's earthly happiness compared to one shared forever in heaven?

Answer 1

I can see that you are in a tough situation.

I don't have any easy answers. In some ways it seems that your brother is trying to provoke a response - maybe he's testing your and your family's ability and willingness to love and accept him despite his difference. Maybe he thinks 'I'm going to get treated badly in my culture and maybe my family anyway" so his behaviours that put people off are a way of shielding himself from letting people get too close, so it won't hurt as much if he does feel rejected, or so he can tell himself that any rejection is because of dumb things he DOES (like being rude) instead of because of who he IS (like being gay) - it's less painful that way.

You are in a unique position of being his sibling - one of the few people he will know and have a relationship with virtually from the cradle to the grave. My suggestion is that, since you live in a Muslim culture, he already knows what Islam and Allah and the Imams think of homosexuality, and he doesn't actually need to hear it from you. What he needs from you, as his brother? sister? is your continued love and support for him.
I know that my mother doesn't really understand my sexual orientation, and she probably isn't HAPPY about it, but I'm so grateful that when I came out to her, her response was to genuinely try to understand, not preach or argue, and to acknowldege that my experience (that of having fallen in love with a straight woman I could never be with) "must have been very hard for" me. There was a lot of wisdom in her response.

Love him. And when you disagree, stay calm and suspend your judgement, and maybe even honestly try to learn what it's like for him. Leave the lectures and the judging to other people - he;ll get enough of it, trust me.

Christians in my culture can say and do some pretty horrid things toward people like myself, but there are also many, many supportive Christians. A lesbian friend of mine and her sisters (also both lesbians) grew up in Pakistan, and moved to Canada as adults. Though I've seen the movie "Fire", and heard them talk about their own experiences, I know I can't even begin to grasp how difficult it must be to be a queer person in an Islamic nation.

(Perhaps that's partly why Irshad Manjii, Canada's most outspoken feminist, reformist, Muslim lesbian woman, is as outspoken as she is. I don't know.)

Peace. Shalom. Salaam.

Answer 2

All religions make a lot of assumptions and set a lot of rules based on the assumptions. The thing is, the assumptions and rules were written by man and are interpreted by people. It does not matter whether they were devinely inspired, there still exists an element of human bias in them. Afterall, God did not write the holy books they are based upon. I mean no disrespect by this at all. It's just that I don't believe that you need to choose your religion or your brother, if you can open your mind to the imperfections of people and their interpretations.

Personally, I don't think God would hate his own creations. Being gay is not an intellectual choice. It is just as much a natural part of people as hair color and size. I think most people fear what they do not know or understand, and I think that this influenced religion.

I'm not sure this helps, but I do think it'd be very sad if you abandoned your brother just because he's not what other people want him to be.

Answer 3

I'm not a Muslim. You have a right to know that upfront. I have very close Arabic friends, whose families are historically Muslim however, and I know some practicing Muslims -- though from very liberal mosques. I know Muslim boys and men who are straight, and some who are gay -- including some of the sweetest ones you could ever find.

The short version I'm going to give you is this: Sin, and the idea of duality (deity and anti-deity -- expressed in Islam I think as ... Allah and Satan -- correct me if I'm wrong) is, while widespread due the the pattern of its diaspora, still myth. What your brother is happens to be what your brother is. If he loves you and you love him then any god worth worshiping is happy for you. Might does not make right and I for one would never worship power without love.

If you want a more indepth analysis of why I said what I just said, or if you would prefer just to have someone listen, or speak from a secular prespective, please feel free to email me at the address given below. I promise to listen, and to answer as honestly and as best as I can. Several friends that I love so much (from Dubai - now the US, from Lebanon, and from Pakistan (some now in the US and some in Pakistan still)) would expect no less of me -- and I would be honored and happy to try to help.

May you be embraced in light and love,

Reyn
[e-mail]

In answer to your additional remarks. Yes, IF the religion is 100% true, and the interpretation of it is 100% true then sure, I suppose so. However, that assumption has to be established and honestly, it can't be. I'm fairly religious myself, within old line Christianity (Anglican) -- but I certainly don't twist myself into an intellectual pretzel to believe that the Bible is anything other than a collection of Bronze and early Iron Age myths. Be honest with yourself, and ask yourself if you genuinely can prove that the Koran is any different than the Bible -- look at it critically and add in the extra 800 years worth of knowledge to explain some differences that appear to be more supportive of science, and I don't believe if you can get past the religious training -- that you can so claim or that you will so think when you finish the examination. That leaves you with the question of how much do you love your brother -- that is paramount, no matter how much you might prefer it not to be.

Kind thoughts.

Answer 4

I'll first address the cultural elephant in the room. The society I was raised in was VERY big on religious freedom. If you're in a country where religion is a little more tightly linked to the government, that's probably not going to be the case; anyways not as much. And that has an impact on the way we view religion and its place in our lives. I find it interesting that you say that you have nothing against it personally, but feel that your religion does. The individualist in me wants to ask you how YOU think about what G-d feels. And, again, the individualist in me says that it's not your place to necessarily place that belief onto your brother; maybe he feels very differently about the answer to that question. If that sounds judgemental to you, I apologize; that's not what I'm going for. I guess I'm just saying that your reaction needs to take several factors into account.
This probably really didn't help much, and for that I'm sorry, but I wish you much luck and wisdom in coming to a decision.

Answer 5

Instead of preaching to him about your beliefs, why don't you just tell him what you know or think and tell him you are there to help him. Being a good brother or friend, requires love, openness, respect, and above all the ability to listen to others when they are in crises. Isn't that what any religion should be, love, forgiveness, understanding, patients, and above all the ability to look at a situation and judge by love, not your own thoughts?

Answer 6

It's refresthing to hear from a religous person who is genuinely concerned. Just sit your brother down and talk to him. From what you said he can be kindof dificult, so you'll just have to keep pressing that you love him and you're not trying to change him, but just giving him a tip to make sure nothing bad happens. And as far as the whole religion/family issue, times change, society changes, and whose to say that God's laws wouldn't change. I hope that it works out for you man!

Answer 7

Please don't turn your back on him. He needs you & you will be the only preson who will have regrets if you do. I don't know much about your religion but God created everyone. A young boy who lived the next town over from me years ago never seemed like a happy boy & one day he commited suicide. In the note he left behind he apologized to his family for shaming them. Although his parents were strict Catholics they would rather have a living gay son then any kind od dead son. Please keep that in mind, either you love your brother for everything he is or you don't love him at all.

Answer 8

I don't know if you are Arab or not, but, there is perhaps a chance you might find some gay arabs who might also be muslim in order to talk with, perhaps someone at the gay and lesbian arab society might have family members who can empathize with you. Talking with others in similar situations might help. Just a thought. Here is a link, i hope you find some peace, please don't forget we share a common bond as humans, i'm sure the creator has something in mind for each creation. Let love, and peace rule over fear, as love and peace are signs of faith and fear a sign of doubt.

I realize I speak from a sepparate cultural experience, but, i speak from my heart.

my thoughts are with you!

Answer 9

You should do nothing...You can't "save" him and furthermore he doesn't want to be saved...You can disagree with him --but if you push too hard you may lose his love as a brother and you seem to value that.. It is his life and his responsibility to find his own happiness ...as it is yours. You should just love him...because there is nothing you can do to change him. People have tried for thousands of years to change gay people and nothing but nothing has ever worked...Value your friendship with him.

Answer 10

Your bro has the choice of what he does and does not believe in. You have all the right in the world to think that he's made the wrong decision but you have to accept and respect the fact that it is his decision to make.