My husband called me a "hand me down"?

Question

He is and has been mad that I wasn't a virgin and he was. When we went to get "busy" I was being playful and asking "What's that?" and He told me that a "Hand me down should know". I'm really at a loss for what to do, I just cried my eyes out while he kept making comments like that. Any advice? Help? Please? Thanks.

I want to thank everyone for your answers. They're helpful and some made me crack a smile. I'm starting to feel better. Thanks :)

Let me clairfy- We've had sex many times, it was not our first. Even though some of the answeres include that, they are all very helpful and I appreciate them all. Thanks!

Answer 1

Sorry but that is very disrespectful of him. If he had problems with this then why did he marry u in the first place? I suggest u talk to him about it and u tell him firmly that he either needs to learn to respect u or else...

Answer 2

I can tell by some of the answers that I have read here that most people did not really thoroughly read your question. You clearly stated that he was mad that you were not a virgin and he was. Key word here is "he was". I do not know if he is 17 or 30, whether he made the decision to remain a virgin until marraige and waited a long time and was disappointed that you had not chosen to do that, or whether he was just young and inexperienced, or whether he was so insecure that he had remained a virgin because of insecurity about his sexual experience with women. Knowing those things could determine why he said what he did.

First, you say that you were being playful and asked "What's that?" I would imagine that he was feeling nervous and insecure enough about his "first time" and perhaps he took that as a belittling comment about his "equipment". In a time when I would expect very few men go to the marraige bed as virgins I would think that "sensitivity" above all would be the best mood setter, not playfulness - a fact that you have probably realized yourself by now. His choice of comments was not only unfortunate in that it was a hurtful and insulting thing to say, it was said at a time when it will not be forgotten, and apparently, according to your statement that he kept making comments like that, he has not apologized or tried to make it up to you - otherwise, you would not be asking a flock of strangers for advice on what to do. What I would really like to do is tell you that you have married an oaf who has the sensitivity of a box of oatmeal. Unfortunately, you have married him and I guess you don't want to unmarry him this soon in the marraige. You need to sit down with him and tell him that you regret your comment to him, that you did not mean anything offensive by it and that his treatment of you is not something that you can or will tolerate in this marraige. It is neither a crime, nor unusual for a girl to not be a virgin when she marries anymore. That is simply a fact of the time we live in, and he should not look upon you as "used" or "damaged goods" or a "hand me down" because of it. He should realize that people's sexual experiences are expressions of love and caring or of physical need, and just because adult people have chosen to express themselves in different ways does not make either of them wrong - just different choices. I am so sorry that you were hurt by this at such an important time in your life and I hope you can get things clear enough with him that you can feel that he really did not mean what he said, or has changed his attitude after realizing how much he hurt you. Otherwise, let me tell you that if you go through life with this man with him continuing to have this attitude then your marraige won't have much chance of being a happy one. Just what does he think a husband does? What happened to the Love, Honor & Cherish that he vowed? This oaf needs to grow up and develop some sensitivity to the young woman he claims to love. I wish you good luck. If he does not find a way to make up his comments to you find a way out of this most unfortunate situation and do not waste any time doing it. I am the mother of 3 grown children and if you were my own daughter I would tell you the same thing.

Answer 3

Did he know that you had experienced sex before? If so, then you should confront him about his insensitivity and blatant rudeness, and let him know that he is hurting you emotionally and that if he didn't want to love you, and be with you, then he could have chose different. Also let him know that if he DOES intend on the two of you remaining together, RESPECT has to be given, and he needs to treat you with love and courtesy as well.

Maybe he is insecure about his technique. If you said "what's that?", he may have taken it badly and thought that you were saying it is so small that you can't see it......or something derogatory like that. I bet it is all insecurity. Just reassure him that he is the one you love, and the one who fulfills you, and that nothing done before him counts or even matters to you anymore because it's all about him, and he is your past, present, and your future......anything else isn't even remembered.

Give it a try. But definetely call him on that. People ONLY treat you the way you LET them treat you. DON'T LET HIM TREAT YOU THAT WAY. You set the standards about the way you are treated. Don't be a door mat. Not even for your husband.

Answer 4

I'm assuming this is information he KNEW prior to the wedding, right? If so and he was ok with it then he has no right to open his big trap now. I don't blame you for being angry and sad! That would just break my heart to hear something like that from the man I loved enough to marry!

I think you should tell him if he keeps up the hurtful comments he's going to be "handing you down" to a better, more understanding guy because you aren't going to put up with it anymore.

God bless you sweetie!

Answer 5

I think that he sounded very nervous and unsure of himself his first time around and took it too much to heart and got defensive when you were teasing and said ..."whats that". Though what he said to you was rather cruel, it stemmed from insecurity. These types of hurtful name callings are destructive in a relationship. Hopefully this is not a habit with him. A long talk with him without is a good idea. Of course if he cannot get past his virginity and your lil bit of experience.... you need to then find a man who does not have such a fragile male ego.

Answer 6

Wow! He is already abusive. That is the harshest thing I have ever heard and I have been in abusive relationships. No one has ever said something like that to me. What a horrible thing to say. Your husband does not deserve you. I would divorce him while you still can. I wouldn't want to wait until I had kids with the man. I doubt this is a long lasting marriage. You deserve better. BTW, my husband read this and I think he is more upset about it then I am. He told me to tell you to LEAVE HIM NOW! We have our fight and he says things, same with me, but he said he would never say something like that to me. He thinks it's disgusting. I hope you don't put up with this. Take care.

Answer 7

If you don't want to say anything due to your role as a wife, I can understand that. But, you do not have to take ridiculing, insulting comments. If you don't want to visit a counselor, I would think of several comeback comments and blast him one. If he does not like that, it open the door for a good talk about your sexual pasts (both sides) and respectful comments (in the bedroom and out).
Good Luck!!

Answer 8

I hope he was kidding in response.
If not, that's horrible and abusive. That's a really mean thing to say. You shouldn't tolerate that at all. Really, that's unfair to you. You are not a hand me down! He sounds like a disgusting person. Do you want to be married to someone that wants to insult you like that? He sounds like he has issues. Don't let him bring you down like that. No one should have to hear those kinds of things said to them. If someone really cares about you they would not say those things. No one can tell you what to do, only you can make your mind up as to your outcome. Personally, I would leave. You do not need that mental abuse tearing you down.

Answer 9

You need to set some ground rules about respect....somethings are off limits.

If you not being a virgin mattered to him he shouldn't have married you.

I don't think I would continue to stay in a relationship if things that were now beyond my control were commented on. That's a form of abuse.

Answer 10

Wow... i cant imagine this. Me and my wife were in the EXACT same situation when we got together, but i would have never said something like this.

You need to talk... a lot. Do it in a completely NON sexual environment. If it cant be resolved, you should not be progressing with the relationship. This is a MAJOR hurdle.

he doesn't have any respect for you.